Childrearing

9 Reasons Why Women Can’t Have It All…But Cats Totally Can

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There’s been a lot of chatter recently about whether or not women can balance both family life and work life. Not surprisingly, most of this chatter has come from people like Clueless DudeBro Matt Lauer, out-of-touch CEO Indra Nooyi or pampered hospitality mogul Martha Stewart. And what do all three of these people have in common? None of them have any clue what the average working parent has to deal with, and therefore they shouldn’t be weighing in on the issue at all, in my opinion. Yet they’re quick to say things like “having it all isn’t a gender issue”, or “working moms can’t be good parents,” because apparently once you’re famous and on T.V. you’re no longer expected to back your statements up with facts.

Unfortunately this kind of attitude is rampant. So nowadays, when someone asks me whether I think women can have it all, I say no. Women can’t have it all. But you know who can? CATS.

9. People actually care whether or not a cat gets decent healthcare

9 Reasons Why Women Can t Have It All But Cats Totally Can cat doctor meme medical catnip jpg

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This is obviously anecdata, but I’ve been poor as both a young mom and a pet parent. Neither position is a fun time, but as a cat owner there aren’t dozens of people protesting and shoving photos of aborted kittens at you in front of the ASPCA clinic. This does, however, happen outside of many Planned Parenthood centers, even if you’re just there for a fucking pap smear. Hell, it happens even if the clinic doesn’t freaking provide abortions. And an entire political party isn’t lobbying to cut funding for veterinary clinics or force unnecessary medical procedures on pregnant cats, now are they?

8. There is no gender pay gap when you get paid in catnip and cuddles

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Hell, most people can’t even tell the difference between a male or a female cat, and cats give exactly zero fucks about it. They certainly don’t give enough fucks to place arbitrary pay limits based on antiquated gender stereotypes. And how would that even work with catnip and cuddles?

7. Cat work-life balance means chasing a laser pointer, shitting in a box and occasionally catching a mouse

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No one expects a cat to be the breadwinner or give two shits about balancing work and life. They’re just expected to look cute, live their lives, and perhaps kill a wayward rodent or two. Shit, cats can literally lay around all day doing nothing and will still considered majestic and intelligent, yet SAHMs bust their ass and get accused of binge watching Maury and eating bonbons. What the fuck is a bonbon anyway?

6. Cats get free birth control, no questions asked

9 Reasons Why Women Can t Have It All But Cats Totally Can birthd control saves lives PETA jpg

Unless you’re a human woman, then fuck that noise you slut (photo: PETA.com)

In fact, birth control is expected of all cats, and you’re considered a shitty pet parent if you don’t provide it (via spaying or neutering). This so important to society that there are hundreds of programs designed to prevent unwanted kittens, free of charge. But find yourself pregnant with an unwanted baby in a place like Texas? Well, you’re shit out of luck.

5. In the cat world, there’s no such thing as “women’s work”

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Unlike silly humans, cats couldn’t care less about bullshit “women’s work” household expectations that were set in place generations ago. Cats understand that these restrictions have little-to-no meaning in the real world, and certainly have no meaning on their “trying to fit into every box in the house” schedule. Cats reserve their disdain for all types of work, not just the stuff society has decided is lady-work and therefore less worthy of respect. To that, cats say “fuck the pawtriarchy.”

4. You won’t see Matt Lauer asking a cat if she can be a good mom and do her job too

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Nope, Lauer saves that for human women. But never human men, because men have better things to worry about than silly old babies! But of course, this isn’t a “gender issue.” Nope, those poor menz have it just as hard! So Matty Boy saves the misogynist bullshit for us ladies, because he knows that cats just DGAF.

3. When cats “Lean in” they’re usually knocking shit over

As the great Tina Fey once said, “Bitches get stuff done,” and this is a motto cats have taken to the extreme. Once a cat has its eyes on the prize, no amount of expensive knick-knacks or house plants can stop it. Nope, that shit is going straight to the floor. But does society call a cat a “bitch” or “aggressive” for going after what it wants? Of course not. Cats, like men, are considered “bold” and “charismatic” when they’re ambitious.

2. No one cares if a lady cat has casual sex

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Putting aside the fact that once they’re spayed or neutered it’s a moot point, no one really cares whether or not a cat chooses to participate in the pleasures of the flesh fur. And why would they? It doesn’t affect anybody else and there’s nothing wrong with it. But you better not try that if you’re a human woman, because only slutty women have casual sex. Who cares if it’s not hurting anyone and you enjoy it. It makes men’s boners sad!

1. Cats are incapable of guilt, irrational or not

9 Reasons Why Women Can t Have It All But Cats Totally Can lazy cat doesnt give a fuck jpg

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Unlike human women, cats are incapable of feeling guilty, whether it’s justified or not. Obviously this can be frustrating when your little furry buddy just killed your pet canary and shit in your laundry, but this also means cats don’t feel irrationally guilty over stuff they can’t control. So what if the litter box is dirty and it hasn’t meet its mouse-catching-quota (or whatever cats would feel guilty about if they weren’t hairy little murder machines)? Cats give zero fucks about what you think, and it’s a glorious thing to behold.

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