Now This Is The Kind Of Obituary We Want Our Kids To Write About Us
Yay! We get to be all morbid again like we were last week when we discussed the woman who had kids who penned her obituary to look like hate mail, but this time we have the exact opposite of that. William McCullough passed away on September 11th and one of his surviving sons wrote him an amazing obituary that reads like a country and western song (But not like new country, a song by Waylon Jennings) crossed with a Burt Reynolds movie from the 1970s. From the Savannah Morning News:
The man. The myth. The legend. Men wanted to be him and women wanted to be with him. William Freddie McCullough died on September 11, 2013. Freddie loved deep fried Southern food smothered in Cane Syrup, fishing at Santee Cooper Lake, Little Debbie Cakes, Two and a Half Men, beautiful women, Reeses Cups and Jim Beam. Not necessarily in that order. He hated vegetables and hypocrites. Not necessarily in that order.
I want to be him/be around him! The obituary goes on to say that he is survived by his six children, Mark, Shain, Clint, Brandice, Ashley and Thomas. And also says William (due to this obituary, I feel on a first name basis with him) and that he had been married, a few times:
Freddie adored the ladies. And they adored him. There isn’t enough space here to list all of the women from Freddie’s past. There isn’t enough space in the Bloomingdale phone book. A few of the more colorful ones were Momma Margie, Crazy Pam, Big Tittie Wanda, Spacy Stacy and Sweet Melissa (he explained that nickname had nothing to do with her attitude). He attracted more women than a shoe sale at Macy’s. He got married when he was 18, but it didn’t last. Freddie was no quitter, however, so he gave it a shot two more times. It didn’t work out with any of the wives, but he managed to stay friends with them and their parents.
His son Mark was the one who wrote the obituary, and is reported to be developing a TV show based on his dad. It ends with:
Freddie was killed when he rushed into a burning orphanage to save a group of adorable children. Or maybe not. We all know how he liked to tell stories.”
Thinking about our own mortality is depressing, but I hope when my time comes I have lived an interesting enough life where I get an obituary that makes me sound like a badass too. I guess I better start making my kids really like me.