Last night on Twitter, the #WhyWeMarch hashtag from this week's March for Life made a big splash. Namely, the splash of vomit that hit my keyboard as I read back through the hashtag's timeline. Put on your biohazard suit and take a look at the most eyeroll-inducing and bile-raising Tweets used to explain why the pro-life crowd thinks the bodily autonomy of women needs to be revoked.
1. No abortions, because ginger Harry Potter wants a birthday.Good news, y'all: every child DOES have a birthday. Also good news: most children will probably grow up to learn that it is not appropriate to compare things they dislike to the freaking Holocaust.
2. But what if you have allergies?"Mother Theresa, there are too many flowers in my uterus." "IMPOSSIBLE."
3. Must be a quiet day wherever Jodster is.
As we all know, President Obama single-handedly invented abortion, and then traveled back in time to introduce it to the world, before dropping by 1973 to force the Supreme Court's vote on Roe v. Wade.
4. Why stop at abortions?
Ah yes, the 'contraceptive mentality': silly womenfolk thinking that maybe they don't want to choose between a sexless existence and a continually-pregnant one. Those wacky dames!
Also, I think Tina has a great slogan opportunity here, à la Herbert Hoover: "A chicken in every pot, and a bun in every oven."
5. I don't remember this verse in the Bible, for some reason.
Abortion, despite apparently being way worse than rape or murder, is missing its own call-out in the Ten Commandments. Or anywhere else in the entire Bible. Weird!
6. This is all about the babies me!There seem to be a lot of people in this hashtag who are concerned about being retroactively aborted. If you are in the 50th or so trimester, you are probably safe.
P.S. I am also thankful that Lydia's mom was able to CHOOSE what she wanted to do with her own body.
7. Pregnant women, you owe the world your bodies.Obviously infertility is a terrible thing to deal with, but as someone who has dealt with that? No one owed me shit for the time I spent with a dusty, empty uterus - a person who is pregnant against her will is not a baby-making factory for other people's convenience.
8. Our hero.
It's about protecting women from the ability to make decisions for themselves. Besides, it's not as if anyone has suffered emotional, mental, or physical wounds from continuing an unwanted pregnancy!
There are quite of few of these, too. I guess a lot of people are either drawing a blank on why they march, or "I HATE WOMEN!!" seemed too over-the-top to Tweet.
10. What's the return policy on this 'gift'?Make sure you keep the receipt.
11. What about ugly babies?
A cute baby exists, therefore MORE BABIES. Flawless logic.
12. WTF? Excuse me. I need to back slowly away from my computer, douse it in gasoline, set it on fire, and build a rocket to launch the ashes into the sun.