Loss

This Is What Happens When Your Sister Dies

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when your sister dies This is what happens when your sister dies. You wake up one morning to a lot of texts from your younger sister asking you to call her and you assume it is just to talk about your week or gossip about something. Your husband takes the kids out for pancakes and you have editing to do and coffee to drink so you start your day and wait for a normal time to return the call because you have no idea your older sister had died and your younger sister has been up all night trying to reach you. You never sleep with your cell phone on weekends, and for some reason your husband didn’t either, which never happens. It’s Saturday and your house is quiet and empty and your oldest kid spent the night at a friend’s house and you get a few hours alone, a cat sleeping next to you and the coffee strong and hot.

You call your sister back and she tells you and of course you don’t believe her. You realize how loud you are crying and that nothing makes sense and she tells you that your husband is on the way home and that you need to come there but you still can’t believe what she told you and you try and make sense of it through a voice full of snot and tears and you talk to your mother. She no longer sounds like your mother but some weak far-away keening ghost and you are not even sure what language she is speaking so you tell her you love her and you will be there soon.

You vomit and your husband comes home and he finds you standing in the kitchen with the floor littered in Kleenex. You tell your kids and they don’t understand it either and you pack half-damp clothes into suitcases and your older son comes home and you tell him and he speaks the same ghost language as his grandmother. Your husband takes the dog to the boarding place and you find some expired Xanax in a drawer from some flight you took a few years ago and you gobble those like Halloween candy and you drive and drive and drive to go home. You pull your shit together as best as you can because you don’t want to freak the kids out and you remind yourself they are looking to you.

You’ve had people close to you die before. Your father, your grandmother, your uncle. These deaths were expected, either due to to the cruelty of age or cancer, and you prepare as much as you can for death, the inevitable reality of someone you care for no longer existing. It’s hard, and you know it happens daily, people lose loved ones every moment, car crashes, suicides, illnesses, homicides, accidents. Death isn’t special, or rare. It happens to all of us and it can happen at any moment and it happened to my sister. My sister, who was just 47, who had health problems but nothing super alarming and nothing that predicted she would leave a family who loved her very much, a son who has yet to have his own children and a daughter who hasn’t even finished middle school. My sister, who at times in her life hated me and who I annoyed greatly, who called me a bitch and hung up the phone and complained about me to our mother and who taught me how to use a curling iron and held all my babies after they were born and who had a lifetime of weddings and births to attend and holidays and graduations and she always made the relish tray at Thanksgiving.

When your sister dies you try to make arrangements and view her body which now looks nothing like her and you leave a lipstick smear on her forehead by accident but are afraid to wipe it off and you can’t help your mother who is now suddenly a million years older than 70. You feel the worst you could ever possibly feel because you shouldn’t have fought so much, you shouldn’t have been so stubborn, you should have called more often and visited more often and you do that thing where people say they would give anything to have just another few minutes.

You drink too much with your family and stay up late telling stories and you have to return home because your kids have school and you have a job and you leave more arrangements to be made and your mother who is now a million-and-70-years-old and your younger sister who still has shaking hands. You wonder if it’s possible to take your nephew and his wife and your family and all just hide in a room and never leave.

You get a lot of messages from people who say things like “I know how you feel ” and “You have so much to be thankful for!” and “She is in a better place now!” and you bite your tongue and want to say a better place is with her daughter, getting her ready for school and packing her lunch and taking her dog for a walk because she was just 47 and that is far too young to die.

When your sister dies you google things like is it normal to cry in the shower after the death of a sibling and how long does it take to feel okay after someone you love dies and you have this terror when someone doesn’t answer the phone right away or your husband is late coming home from work.

Things no longer make sense. You refuse to let your kids do anything but go to school because you are afraid of them leaving the house. You can no longer write, and you burn eggs, and you leave laundry to mildew in the washing machine. You consider making an appointment to talk to someone but you want to give it another week. You snap at your husband for no reason and sit on the sofa with the dog a lot. You feel guilty and sad and lonely and stupid and all you want to do is talk to your sister.  You see your grief because it is now tangible and lives in the corner of rooms, this giant hulking mass of pulpy blood, and it is heavy and whispers you should have done more.

Someone tells you it will take time.

(Image: xNstAbLe/shutterstock)

100 Comments

  1. keetakat

    May 12, 2014 at 10:11 am

    Eve, thank you for sharing your story.

  2. longtime lurking reader

    May 12, 2014 at 10:12 am

    Eve, I am so sorry. I’ll be thinking of you and your family.

  3. JulesAboutTown

    May 12, 2014 at 10:16 am

    This was profoundly familiar to me. It was powerfully written, accurate, pointed. Real. I wish I had some way to assuage your pain. Time, what it takes, takes time. And that hurts. Know there are a lot of people thinking about you.

  4. Bethany Ramos

    May 12, 2014 at 10:17 am

    Love you! Always here for you.

  5. Elizabeth Mangum

    May 12, 2014 at 10:17 am

    There are no words. May you and your family find your way through this grief.

  6. JenH1986

    May 12, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Love and Light and long distance hugs.

  7. Kendra

    May 12, 2014 at 10:20 am

    Oh, Eve, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband’s lost both his best friend and his brother within a year, and I have seen all of this far too much. I still think about them both every single day. I’m not going to say those cliché things people say to grieving people because it doesn’t feel genuine. I’m going to say that it’s completely and totally okay to hurt, and to hurt badly for as long as you need to, and that you should cry as much as you need to cry. I wish for your peace.

  8. Frannie

    May 12, 2014 at 10:26 am

    Eve, I am so sorry. I too lost my big sister, 10 years ago this month, when she was just 26. My most vivid memory was of calling the hotel my stepmom was at a conference at over and over again, because she had no cell phone, and finally having her office call one of her coworkers. It took me 8 hours to reach her, and then she had to fly home and then hop another flight with me to say goodbye. Yes, it’s normal to randomly cry anywhere. I can remember hopping on buses and just sitting there, tears streaming down my cheeks as I stared into space. I lost my focus for a very long time. I lost my mom when I was very little, but losing my sister hit me a thousand times harder.

  9. pixie

    May 12, 2014 at 10:27 am

    I’ve never been very good with words of sympathy, I can never get them to sound quite right, but I’m thinking of you and your family. I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you for sharing your story.

    All the internet hugs for you. You are amazing and wonderful and strong and funny. It will take time for the pain to fade, and we’re all here for you. Love you, Eve. <3

  10. jenstar

    May 12, 2014 at 10:40 am

    Cry in the shower as much as you damn well want. I’m so sorry to read this, it hurt in my heart. I hope you’re at least doing better than shit.

  11. LiteBrite

    May 12, 2014 at 10:47 am

    I am so sorry Eve. If you lived closer to me, I would give you a big hug and tell you how sorry I am in person.

  12. mommabeer

    May 12, 2014 at 10:50 am

    I am so so sorry for your loss. I know internet strangers’ words of consolation will mean little, but your writing means a lot to me, and it’s unfortunately all I can do but say I’m sorry and I hope you and your family will find peace soon out of this tragedy.

  13. SarahJane86

    May 12, 2014 at 10:51 am

    I’m so sorry Eve. I really am.

    In 2009 my grandfather died of pancreatic cancer, he was in his mid-60s and with pancreatic cancer, you just *expect* from diagnosis, that today might be the day. We were sad, and hurt and it was painful and awful, but you just *expect*.

    And the night before his funeral, my grandmother became that keening ghost, because her nephew died on the way to the funeral. He was travelling from a country town to our city for the funeral, and lorry just came out of an unmarked driveway. He was on a motorcycle and didn’t stand a chance. He was close to your sister’s age, and had a daughter close to your niece’s age and two son’s close to your nephew’s age.

    And would you fucking believe it, because I couldn’t, my uncle, my grandma’s brother, and the father of the nephew, who was fit and strong, and trained Olympic cyclists, just died of a heart attack. Just.like.that.

    And less than a month later, smack between my grandfather’s and cousin’s anniversaries my daughter was born at 32 weeks. And how do you even cope with all that at once?

    And apparently, just for fun, 9 months later, my mother had a catastrophic brain aneurysm rupture, resulting in subarachnoid hemorrhage and multiple moderate and severe disabilities.

    And I wish it got better, I wish that’s the what I could tell you. But it doesn’t. 5 years this year, and it’s not better. It’s just normal. You can laugh and carry on and have Christmas, but you know that pain? The one where it feels something huge has grabbed you by each limb and is pulling with all it’s might, and the tearing point is your heart? That pain just becomes normal. There’s no better, there’s just a new normal, that includes that pain.

    I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m crying my heart out for you right now.

  14. TheRealKelly

    May 12, 2014 at 10:52 am

    I am hugging you in my heart. I’m so sorry.

  15. Guest Sister

    May 12, 2014 at 10:52 am

    So so sorry for your loss Eve. You don’t say how you lost your sister (and do not have to). I lost my brother to suicide 8 years ago. He was just shy of 25. Time heals, but the pain never goes away. I am so so sorry for you. Those days and weeks ahead are tough. Lean on others as much as you can. Don’t expect too much from yourself. Be gentle. Allow yourself to cry, scream, rage, etc. Internet hugs. xxxxxxx

  16. Gina

    May 12, 2014 at 10:54 am

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  17. Mollie

    May 12, 2014 at 10:54 am

    I understand I am just a fan of your writing, and ultimately a stranger, but I really am so sorry for your loss. Your writing is so poignant and I can just begin to feel how sad you are. My deepest condolences.

  18. That_Darn_Kat

    May 12, 2014 at 11:00 am

    I’m so sorry for you loss, Eve. *hugs*

  19. CMJ

    May 12, 2014 at 11:00 am

    Love you <3

    • momjones

      May 12, 2014 at 11:59 am

      Sending endless hugs and love.

  20. Terra Spencer

    May 12, 2014 at 11:04 am

    I will never know what this feels like – I am an only child. And it is precisely for that reason that I am so glad you wrote it. This month marks three years since my cousin – brilliant, brave, and beautiful – was murdered, leaving a twin sister behind. Your words give me a glimpse of what she went through and struggles with still. Thank you for that.

  21. Melody

    May 12, 2014 at 11:04 am

    I’m sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you. <3

  22. jendra_berri

    May 12, 2014 at 11:08 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss, Eve 🙁

  23. Ddaisy

    May 12, 2014 at 11:26 am

    I am so very sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine what I would do if I lost one of my sisters. All my love to you and your family.

  24. lauramich

    May 12, 2014 at 11:27 am

    God, I’m so sorry…

  25. Elizabeth Anne Brasington

    May 12, 2014 at 11:36 am

    I am so sorry for your loss. My brother died when I was 15. I related to your post and, although I can never know your pain, my heart reaches out to you.

  26. Aimee Ogden

    May 12, 2014 at 11:38 am

    Eve, I’m so sorry for you and your family. I can’t imagine how grieving for such a sudden loss must feel. I am not a praying sort but you’re in my thoughts this morning – sending all love and hopes for healing to you today.

  27. Mystik Spiral

    May 12, 2014 at 11:39 am

    I’m so sorry Eve, I have been thinking about you. Lots of love and hugs.

  28. Syd

    May 12, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I hate the cliches. My mother died at 49, leaving a scared 20-year-old daughter to receive the news alone in her dorm room. The “I know how you feel” always came from someone that lost a pet/great-grandmother/best-friend’s, cousin’s father. The “she’s in a better place” made me want to kick puppies, but the worst was “how are you holding up?”, because there is never an answer. Three years later, I still don’t have an answer.

    I’m so sorry for your loss. There are never words to say to lessen the pain.

    • Rowan

      May 13, 2014 at 7:12 am

      People ask me how I’m feeling and I say “shit” and then shrug. Also “is there anything I can do?” Well, I dunno, can you bring my brother back? No? Then shut up.

  29. candyvines

    May 12, 2014 at 11:43 am

    My thoughts are with you and your family during this difficult time.

  30. arielmarie

    May 12, 2014 at 11:49 am

    Oh God, I am so sorry. I lost my brother about 4 years ago now and nothing at all compares to the absolute horror and pain that comes with it.

    I’m still shocked I never snapped on someone who said “God must have needed him in heaven” with the response of THEN GOD IS A SELFISH ASS! HE’S GOD HE DOESN’T NEED MY FUCKING BROTHER.

    I’m just so very very sorry. I know it doesn’t at all make you feel better to know that the pain will be there for a long, long time, but at least it’s real to know that. Cry, cry, cry as much as you need to and talk about your feelings as much as you can because it does help, if only a little tiny bit at a time.

  31. TngldBlue

    May 12, 2014 at 11:54 am

    Eve, my deepest sympathy on your loss. I am praying for you and your family and hope, that with time, you find comfort in the many memories of your sister.

  32. Carrie Murphy

    May 12, 2014 at 11:54 am

    <3 Eve.

  33. Bunmi

    May 12, 2014 at 11:55 am

    I’m so sorry, Eve. I love you. Wish I could hug you.

  34. Valerie

    May 12, 2014 at 11:56 am

    Eve, all I can say is that I am so deeply sorry for you and your family. I have been praying for you and thinking of you- I will continue to do so. Your words are so raw and your writing so heartfelt- I can tell it comes from a place of deep love and I know your sister knew it. Huge hugs. We are all here for you, for whatever it is worth.

  35. Uk mummy

    May 12, 2014 at 12:04 pm

    I’m so sorry. How heartbreaking and terrifying. There is no right or wrong way for you to grieve xx

  36. meteor_echo

    May 12, 2014 at 12:10 pm

    I’m so, so sorry, Eve 🙁

  37. Alicia Kiner

    May 12, 2014 at 12:13 pm

    Eve, I’m so so sorry. I can’t imagine what you and your family are going through right now. As a middle sister, I can tell you, your sister knew you loved her. Not calling as often, fighting, it’s all sibling bonds. It’s okay to feel what you feel, and cry all the damn time. Might even help to find a punching bag. But she loved you too.

    Big hugs your way.

  38. Jennifer Freeman

    May 12, 2014 at 12:15 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss, Eve. You and your family will be in my thoughts. 🙁

  39. Alex Lee

    May 12, 2014 at 12:25 pm

    One of my friends passed-away suddenly and unexpectedly. He was the crossfit, dragon boat, marathon, fitness type…and collapsed on the road during his morning jog.

    Yes, it makes absolutely no sense.

    It serves as a very impolite reminder of how finite we are. How fallible our memory is and how we frustrate ourselves in trying to accomplish the impossible – to recall sights, sounds, smells, and feels from so long ago. We have limits.

    I barely remember attending his wedding, close to fifteen years ago. I had this Kodak digital camera, just a 2 megapixel point-and-shoot but that piece of junk captured a picture of him and his wife which they both just loved. I had totally forgotten about it but when they told me they wanted to use “my Wedding Picture” in the funeral montage, I knew exactly what they were talking about and what an honor it was. A good time that could be shared with everyone.

    Mourning helps. It’s personal and different for everyone. I’d want some people to mourn me when I go, but I’d also want them to continue living life – even dance to some ragtime music at my funeral like they do in New Orleans. There would definitely be drums.

    There are so many GREAT memories you have of your sister. Remember them, share them, smile, and laugh. Fuck that grief right in its cake hole.

    Your friend always.

  40. Alexandra Quinlan

    May 12, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    This is heartbreaking Eve. I am so very sorry.

  41. AP

    May 12, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    I’m sorry for your loss. The only way to move past extreme pain and grief is to just keep moving forward as best as you can. Eventually, it starts to hurt less.

  42. val97

    May 12, 2014 at 12:32 pm

    I’m so sorry for you and your family. My sister died 6 years ago. It does get easier with time, but you never feel quite the same again.

  43. C.J.

    May 12, 2014 at 12:46 pm

    I’m so very sorry for your family’s loss Eve. I know there is nothing I can say to ease your pain. All I can say is you are in my thoughts and prayers. What you wrote was very touching.

  44. Ann

    May 12, 2014 at 12:49 pm

    I’m very sorry for your loss.

  45. Elyne

    May 12, 2014 at 12:52 pm

    I’m very sorry for your loss *hugs* My condolences to you and your family.

  46. cabinfever

    May 12, 2014 at 12:55 pm

    I’m so sorry, Eve.
    Wishing you strength and peace.

  47. Beth

    May 12, 2014 at 1:00 pm

    My husband’s brother and only sibling was 23 when he was killed by a drunk driver. He had listed his brother as his emergency contact, and we were so far from the midwest, in Yosemite, hiking on our first night of a first vacation in years. I will never forget that phone call at 2am, the disbelief in my husband’s voice as he robotically gave the phone number of his parents or my husband’s hardly-ever-seen tears, the fight to get a flight home, although I will also say that those details remain in a fog as well. In that way that if you look at something straight on it becomes fuzzy, but in your peripheral vision it is clear. It has been 5 years. I made a photo book of him for our future child – it helped me grieve, but I know for me, even though he was my brother-in-law & I had known him since he was a young teen, it was not the same. I am but the support for true sibling. Sometimes, at night, near a birthday or other milestone day, when he thinks I am asleep, I hear my husband’s quiet tears.
    I wish you the healing that only time can give, in the hopes that time moves quickly for you, and salves it the best it can.

    When you can bring your head above the grief waters to breathe, I would recommend “Compassionate Friends” sibling groups. Until then, may you be surrounded by the love of your husband and children and friends, and let it buoy you until you are able to stand on your own again.

  48. Beth

    May 12, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    I lost my sister 2 years ago, who was sick, but we didn’t expect to die. Your story took me right back to that day. I’m so sorry for your loss. I guess time does make it better. I don’t cry everyday anymore, but I am still so incredibly sad, and I still miss her so much. It is normal to cry in the shower, I think especially when you have kids necause you strive so hard to keep it together in front of them. It’s ok to be sad. Please know I am thinking of you, and hoping for you to find peace.

  49. Hibbie

    May 12, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    My deepest condolences.

  50. Kay_Sue

    May 12, 2014 at 1:05 pm

    You get a lot of messages from people who say things like “I know how you feel ” and “You have so much to be thankful for!” and “She is in a better place now!”

    Seriously fuck these people. Fuck them. Fuck them all, every single one of them. People like these are the reason that I’ve managed to become a raging and unapologetic atheists after all of the deaths in our family this year. FUCK them.

    You are wonderful, Eve, and this was beautiful. I am so very, very sorry for your loss. I can’t begin to imagine. My thoughts have been, and stay with you and yours as you are going through this. (hug) ((((((((((really big hug)))))))))

    • Rachel Sea

      May 12, 2014 at 2:08 pm

      When a very dear friend died two years ago, I got a lot of joy out of thinking how he’d respond to everyone who said, “He’s with Jesus.”

    • Kay_Sue

      May 12, 2014 at 5:39 pm

      My aunt had a ton of great responses when her sister passed in March. I will be saving them for future reference. It really was ridiculous.

      I know people just don’t know what else to say, but…keep your mouth shut if you can’t figure it out. In my aunt’s case, she was only 52. She has a son who is going to be graduating from Brown in the next few weeks with honors. Her daughter just finished up classes for her doctorate on Friday and starts a very lucrative internship that she worked hard for in August. I don’t think Jesus needed her smile (actual quote…) as much as her kids needed their mother…

    • Rachel Sea

      May 12, 2014 at 6:27 pm

      There are some people (I call them grief vampires) who latch onto people grieving and try to suck their sad feelings to the surface for their own creepy emotional satisfaction. They seem mostly to be people who haven’t experienced much death, who want to commiserate, but can’t, and who kind of get off on the whole concept of loss and grieving as a means to get attention. I understand, but still, they can all to go fuck themselves with a chainsaw.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 12, 2014 at 6:44 pm

      I volunteer to provide the chainsaw.

    • Rowan

      May 13, 2014 at 6:52 am

      When my brother died, my mum had a very religious friend doing all of the “god’s ineffable will” stuff and she said she had to restrain herself from yelling “FUCK GOD!” at the top of her lungs.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 13, 2014 at 1:58 pm

      I don’t blame her in the slightest.

  51. SA

    May 12, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    So sorry for your loss.

  52. Elise

    May 12, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    I’m so very sorry. I’m one of three girls too… Your essay is so beautifully worded and I know your gift will help sustain you through this. Cry, write, cry, scream, and then write some more. xoxoxo

  53. Jessie

    May 12, 2014 at 1:24 pm

    I had been wondering you’ve been, and now I see… Oh, Eve, I am so very sorry for your loss. I won’t spout any of those cliche’d lines about being in a better place or any of the other nonsense that people say, I know firsthand that it doesn’t help, but… I am just so very sorry. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers, truly. Death is such a vicious bastard.

  54. Good Robot for Today

    May 12, 2014 at 1:45 pm

    Eve, my most heartfelt and sincere condolences to you and your family.

  55. Kitsune

    May 12, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss.

  56. LadyClodia

    May 12, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    I’m so, so sorry for your loss, Eve. *hugs*

  57. Rachel Sea

    May 12, 2014 at 2:01 pm

    Eve, I’m so sorry. There are some deaths that just can’t be quantified, that make it impossible to understand how the rest of the world is still moving forward with business as usual.

    It will never not hurt to have your sister gone, but it will become a pain you’ll grow accustomed to. When her kids get married you’ll cry, when you see a perfect gift for her you’ll cry, when you go to pick up the phone to tell her something and remember that she won’t pick up you’ll cry, but in time you’ll do more of your crying on the inside, and it will only twinge instead of feeling like some vital organ has been ripped out of your chest.

    I wish you wine, and joyful memories. All my love to you, and yours.

  58. Fondue

    May 12, 2014 at 2:07 pm

    I am truly sorry for your loss, Eve.

  59. Angelica

    May 12, 2014 at 2:12 pm

    I couldn’t even finish reading this. It is utterly heartbreaking and far too easy to imagine myself in this situation. I am very deeply sorry for your loss.

  60. Alexis Rhiannon

    May 12, 2014 at 2:13 pm

    Oh Eve.

  61. Sam Inoue

    May 12, 2014 at 2:18 pm

    It’s one of the most impossible loses to really come to terms with, especially right after it happens. It has been eight years since my older sister passed and I still think about her most days. Thankfully I have her daughter with me everyday to remind me of her. This is really perfectly written. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss Eve, my family is sending so much love to yours in this awful time.

  62. aCongaLine

    May 12, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Oh how awful- for everyone. And tragic. Thinking of you and your kin.

  63. keelhaulrose

    May 12, 2014 at 2:41 pm

    I’m so sorry for you loss, and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

  64. Clarissa

    May 12, 2014 at 2:56 pm

    When my brother died, at 21, by his own hand, it changed my life forever. You’ll never feel “normal”, I’m sorry to say. It’s been 1 year 3 months and 1 day. I still sometimes feel like he’s alive until I think about standing in Target, buying my husband socks, when my mom called and told me. I literally fell to my knees and screamed.(not a normal thing to see in the men’s underwear aisle. I caused quite a scene) It’s not normal to lose someone young, its just not. I’m sorry for your loss. It’s the hardest thing in the world

  65. STFUParents

    May 12, 2014 at 3:12 pm

    This is a very powerful read and just reinforces my love for you and your endless compassion, Eve. <3

  66. Paul White

    May 12, 2014 at 3:21 pm

    Damn 🙁 I’m sorry and I don’t have anything to say that’ll make it better.

  67. personal

    May 12, 2014 at 3:24 pm

    I am so very, very sorry. I hope you and the rest of your family can find strength and comfort in some way, as much as possible.

  68. that_girl_again

    May 12, 2014 at 3:27 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss. This is one of the most beautiful pieces on grief and loss I’ve ever read. Thank you.

  69. brebay

    May 12, 2014 at 3:34 pm

    Sometimes something happens that 100% sucks. There is not a grand lesson in every tragedy. Some things are all awful and have no silver lining. This is one. I’m so sorry.

  70. BW2

    May 12, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Eve, beautifully written and I am just so sorry. There are no good words for this terrible time in your life.

  71. Zoe Lansing

    May 12, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    I’m so sorry. I lost my sister 7 years ago but I still won’t try to tell you that I know how you feel because I don’t. Every person, every relationship, every loss is unique. I just know that it sucks, that it’s not fair, that you suddenly have memories that nobody else on this earth shares, that it hurts more than you ever imagined possible. I’m just sorry.

  72. Guest

    May 12, 2014 at 5:15 pm

    🙁 I’m so sorry Eve.

  73. gothicgaelicgirl

    May 12, 2014 at 6:37 pm

    “how long does it take to feel okay after someone you love dies”

    I’m not gonna bullshit you- You don’t feel ok, not for a long LONG time.
    I’m not one to blow smoke up your butt, there is no gentle or easy approach to this.
    Every day will be a hammer blow as you remember.
    Every night you’ll have that churning feeling in your stomach.

    You won’t be ok- AND THAT IS OK!

    DO NOT try to rush your grief or convince yourself you’re fine.
    This is a terrible terrible thing and every day will be hard.

    But-
    There will be a day where you’ll think of her and instead of feeling your heart ache, you’ll feel it jump. You’ll remember the good times and not the grief surrounding her passing.

    I sound horrible and I know it, but I speak from experience of having my heart ripped out by the death of someone I loved with all my being.

    You are allowed to grieve in any way you want, for however long you want and DON’T let anyone pull that timeline shit, that irritating, insensitive “O it’s already been 6 months though”

    Grief hurts. It’s a chemical, emotional and physical process. You don’t think straight. You neglect yourself, forget to shower or eat. You feel sick to your stomach.
    It hurts and it will hurt for a long time. It could take a year. For me, it took four years for me to be able to think of him without my stomach shrivelling and my eyes welling up.

    The main thing is to Take
    Your
    Time.

    My thoughts are with you, and I hope I didn’t come across as being cruel or harsh, I just don’t believe in this softly softly, “let’s hide how shit grieving really is and keep saying everything’s gonna be fine” approach. People need real advice when dealing with grief, not stereotypical one liners.

  74. Tinyfaeri

    May 12, 2014 at 6:58 pm

    I’m so sorry for your loss and *hug*

  75. jes

    May 12, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Eve- I have 4 sisters and although I have come to accept that my parents will eventually pass away- my biggest fear is my sisters passing away before “I’m ready”. We are all really close in age- and as we got older they became my best friends instead of just my sisters. My relationship with my sisters is actually what motivates me to be a better mother because i can truly think of no better bond then one of sisters as friends.

    I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you- in fact I am sitting at work with tears pouring down my face and all I want to do is hug you as hard as I can.

  76. wispy

    May 12, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    I am so so sorry 🙁

  77. whiteroses

    May 12, 2014 at 7:56 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss and have nothing to add except to say that there is no guilt to be found here. Death is a son of a bitch, mostly because 99% of the time it gives us absolutely no warning whatsoever. And even in that 1%, it’s still a son of a bitch.
    Take time to grieve. You owe that to yourself.

  78. FormerlyKnownAsWendy

    May 12, 2014 at 8:00 pm

    Sorry for your loss, Eve. *hugs*

  79. Suzie

    May 12, 2014 at 8:17 pm

    My heart dropped when I saw this headline. I am so, so sorry for your lost. I just lost my young, beautiful, healthy sister on New Years Eve to some very unexpected complications of her pregnancy/delivery. It was, and continues to be, so devastating. She was my best friend, my role model. We did everything together….shared a room growing up, became roommates as twenty-somethings, and then neighbors after we both got married. We were even pregnant together. 5 months later, it’s still very fresh and raw. Thinking of you.

  80. Sylvia

    May 13, 2014 at 12:10 am

    I just so happened to stumble across this article. And now I type through my tears. My baby sister 26, mother of 2 young boys took her own life 1 month and soon to be 4 days ago. And this, “You feel guilty and sad and lonely and stupid and all you want to do is talk to your sister. You see your grief because it is now tangible and lives in the corner of rooms, this giant hulking mass of pulpy blood, and it is heavy and whispers you should have done more”, is Exactly what I feel. We were/are sisters. We fought as children and as adults. She was mentally ill but no one, not her psychiatrist, nor her husband, absolutely no one seen this coming. This happens to other people, not to me, never to me and my family. Not my sister. So many words you spoke resonated with me tonight. I find it no coincidence that “I just so happened to stumble across this article”. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your honesty. I am with you.

    • whiteroses

      May 13, 2014 at 7:52 am

      I hope you know that you can’t share the guilt for this. It is not your fault. It’s not your sister’s fault.

  81. Katymonster

    May 13, 2014 at 4:08 am

    I am so sorry.

  82. Rowan

    May 13, 2014 at 7:07 am

    7 weeks and 3 days ago, I got a call at 7.20 in the morning to tell me my baby brother had died in a car accident. Nothing in my life has made sense since then. I remember thinking “that’s bullshit, he can’t be dead”, my partner seeing the stunned look on my face and asking if something had happened to my mum and me managing only single words because of the huge weight crushing my chest. I remember thinking, irrationally, how inconvenient it was because my son had a theatre performance that day. I remember standing outside of my mum’s door, feeling like I was going to scream or throw up or pass out, knowing that I was going to break her heart forever.

    He was 39. He has two little boys, one who’s just turned 8 and one who’s not quite 6. They had not long moved into their dream house, one that he had spent 2 years working with designers to get just the way he and his wife wanted. We were all starting to get life back on track after losing Dad nearly 4 years ago.

    My mother and sister-in-law have wept oceans. I have barely cried. I did the formal ID for the police, stroked his cold, scraped cheek and told him he was just bunking out of cleaning Mum’s attic. I am sitting with the booklet from his funeral beside me but I still can’t get my head round the fact that he’s never going to be there ever ever again. I am completely numb. Because it makes no sense.

    7 weeks. 3 days. 5 hours.

  83. allisonjayne

    May 13, 2014 at 9:22 am

    I’m very sorry Eve.

  84. Kristen

    May 13, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    I am so sorry for your loss.

  85. Hana Graham

    May 13, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    I’m so sorry Eve. Big hugs and big love to you and yours. <3 xxxxx

  86. muffalish

    May 14, 2014 at 1:45 am

    I’m so sorry for your loss Eve.

  87. Eleanor

    May 14, 2014 at 2:09 am

    Five…five Mother’s days with no mother. I tell my kids thanks for the stuff my husband bought, eat the food they make, and think about that time my sister called me, over and over, until she had my brother call because she knew that it would get my attention. I know what that call is like, I remember every bit of it but none of the words. It has gotten easier, not to cry in public anyway, but you will always remember. Telling my kids was one of the hardest parts. You have all of my sympathy, Eve, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but really you just get used to it. You change, the pain doesn’t.

  88. BlossomSquare

    May 14, 2014 at 7:12 am

    THis is looking like a incident that has happened with Author. blossomsquare.com

  89. Pingback: Kids And Crushes: I'm Not Ready For My Daughter To Like Boys

  90. Kg

    August 23, 2014 at 11:24 pm

    I lost my older sister 3 months ago. I too want to tell people fuck off. So many family members who tell me to be happy and move on. My sister was the kindest person in the world, a larger than life type of person who had a tremendous impact on all those who met her. She left everyone feeling good about themselves. And yet she herself was brutalized. I feel so angry at all the people who failed her, and there were so many. I want to thank you for your thoughts. I’m sorry about your sister.

  91. Dawn Saboff Hesh

    October 30, 2014 at 11:57 am

    My little sister passed away last week. Funeral was 2 days ago. I’m numb. I have also lost my father grandmother and uncle to various types of cancers but my sister was relatively healthy. She had a 17,4,5 yr old. She herself was a nurse, on many hospice cases and in several states. and I found your article by looking up the same silly stuff that you mentioned. tomorrow is Halloween and we were supposed to go trick or treating together. I feel that you wrote this article for me and you and I thank you. this is exactly how I feel but cannot articulate it in such a way that you did. I am NOT going to tell you that I’m sorry or any of that other gibberish that people have rattled off over the last week. Just know that there’s someone out there that you touched and that’s going through the same thing.

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