Women's Issues

Elliot Rodger’s Horrific Violence Sparks When Women Refuse, And It Will Fill You With Rage

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In the wake of the horrible violence that happened last weekend in Santa Barbara – when a man fueled by misogyny and rage took to the streets on a killing spree – the conversation around women and violence has come to the forefront. The YesAllWomen hashtag started on Twitter, with women everywhere sharing their own stories of consequences they’ve faced for snubbing the advances of men. This week, the When Women Refuse Tumblr was born – and it will fill you with rage.

When Women Refuse is filled with links to stories about women who were hurt or killed as a result of a man feeling rejected. It’s absolutely horrifying. As long as women are seen as objects to be controlled, manipulated and owned, we will never be safe. Here’s a sampling of the headlines the page offers:

Transgender woman threatened with a crowbar after refusing sex

Man Allegedly Shot At Women For Refusing To Have Sex With Him

Police: Man hits on woman at Alewife and when that doesn’t work he punches her in the face

Man tosses a woman’s toddler in a creek after she breaks off their engagement

Woman attacked with acid after refusing to have sex

Casper man accused of starting house fire after failed sexual advances

The list goes on and on and on.

Why are some men filled with anger when a woman turns down their advances? It’s a question I’ve often asked myself. I, like most women, have been on the receiving end of unwanted advances many, many times. I’ve been called a “bitch” more times than I can count. I’ve been schooled by men I’ve rebuffed on the “right” way to turn a man down. Women are not personally responsible for the care of a man’s fragile ego. If a woman doesn’t want to have sex with you – tough shit. Work on yourself. Get smarter and less creepy. Be interesting.

One in five women will be raped in her lifetime. Sites like When Women Refuse are filled with stories. There are endless MRA sites that bash women for finding men undesirable or being “unapproachable.” There does not exist sites where women bash men for refuting their advances. They do not exist. 

We have to start dealing with these crimes correctly. If a woman is killed strictly because she is a woman – that is a hate crime. Women are plagued by violence. They are unsafe leaving relationships. When will we escape this prison? When everyone starts recognizing that misogyny exists and women “pay” for simply not wanting to be with someone all the time.

(photo: Tumblr)

82 Comments

  1. keelhaulrose

    May 27, 2014 at 5:40 pm

    If men want a woman who will never say no I can direct them to a few realistic sex dolls.
    Other than that I have the right to refuse what happens to my body and by whom, including my husband.
    (It does go both ways. If my husband says no I have a boyfriend who only ever says no when the batteries die)

    • sweetgotham

      May 27, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      Hatachi Magic Wand. It plugs in. Never worry about dead batteries again!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 9:08 pm

      Never worry about ANYTHING ever again!

  2. Rachel Sea

    May 27, 2014 at 6:05 pm

    An acquaintance was bludgeoned to death with a baseball bat, in front of her 2 year old, because she turned down a date.

    The first time a strange man ever groped me I was 12. Later that year I was raped by a boy who thought it was hot that I played hard to get when I said “no.” When I was 14, men would occasionally shove dollar bills into my cleavage. When I was 16, a man in a brown Ford asked me for directions while yanking on his dick, when it turned out that he had borrowed the car, the police ended their investigation because his friend wouldn’t turn him in, even though I was the 27th girl he’d done it to. When I was 22, a man tried to pull me into a car at gunpoint when I ignored his catcalls, the cops said I didn’t have enough identifying information to file a report. If I walk down the street for more than 2 blocks, it is virtually guaranteed that someone will say something which suggests that my body is public property.

    And I’m supposed to believe that culturally ingrained misogyny isn’t real.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 31, 2014 at 8:38 am

      My mom always raised me to feel confident how I acted and what I wore.
      The warning she did give me was “Not all guys are jerks, but there are a handful of them. Don’t let them get the better of you. If someone is giving you hassle, call them out on it. Most of the time they’re cowards and won’t want to be confronted”

      It does work.
      Not all the time but it has worked for me before.
      I had a guy leer at my chest (in a freaking Spongebob shirt so unless he had a fetish…?) and say “Woah you’ve big tits”
      I stared at his crotch and said “WOAH MAN YOU’VE GOT A MASSIVE DICK!!! NICE ONE!”

      His jaw dropped and he started freaking out, asking why I’d talk to him like that.
      So I just said- “Just repaying the favour dude” and walked away.

      I do have a habit of putting myself in situations where others would say “O just keep your mouth shut, there’ll be less trouble.” I won’t back down.

      My response is FUCK NO! Why should I be made to feel like a piece of meat, or that I’m only as attractive as the size of the pieces of fat on my chest?
      Or that my big curvy hips that I love could “do with a good grinding”?

  3. Michael Weldon

    May 27, 2014 at 6:33 pm

    Its hard to see this getting better, look at the demographics of the sources of new young males in the US. Those cultures with highest birth rates are the most likely to disregard the message presented in this article.

    • falcongirl

      May 27, 2014 at 7:22 pm

      So your assertion is that these “demographics” (you’re talking about the increase in the Hispanic population, right?) have high birth rates because the men don’t take no for an answer? Do you have any supporting evidence that that’s the reason and not things like poor access to contraceptives, adherence to religious beliefs that forbid the use of contraceptives, earlier first birth than other groups, etc?

    • CMJ

      May 27, 2014 at 7:24 pm

      I *think* he’s saying that those specific “demographics” are more prone to violence against women…..

      Either way, it’s pretttttttyyyy racist.

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 1:10 am

      Go to the FBI website. Stats don’t lie.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 7:11 am

      Wow. So the police in the US are allowed to use racial profiling? That is seriously fucked up.

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 11:28 am

      You have data to prove that racial profiling is a heavy factor in LE response to sexual violence?

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 1:09 am

      Latin men, the religious (Islamic, Mormon, Christian) fanatics, and those that brought forth the rap culture are having a lot more kids than the 120+ IQ set. Call it racist if you want, but the reality of the situation is educated people are not breeding at the rate that less educated people are.

    • Kat

      May 28, 2014 at 3:17 am

      Holy mother fucker, “than the 120+ IQ set.” As opposed to the hispanics, huh. Just lay it down, don’t you?

      What is this “those that brought forth the rap culture”? That’s supposed to say rape, right? I hope, but then I also don’t.

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 11:26 am

      Please. You honestly believe that over time the rate of sexual violence will go down in spite of the demographics that are headed this way? Based on what evidence?
      If you look at actual crime stats, not anecdotal crap that some other posters are using, from 1990, 2000, and 2010 its fairly clear that some groups are spending more time in jail for sexual violence crimes against women. And the groups that lead the pack in crimes per capita are rising as a % of the population. The only possible way this might be incorrect is if (as some have suggested) some population groups are under-charged and thus less likely to be convicted. That may be true, but there is no data out there to confirm that.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 6:01 am

      Wow, you really went there, didn’t you, racist?! You have absolutely no evidence to support your claim that your stated ‘demographics’ are more likely to commit violence against women because of sexual frustration. While I am lucky to have never been physically assaulted by a man, I can tell you that the men who have gotten aggressive towards me for turning down their advances were white, affluent and college educated.

    • falcongirl

      May 28, 2014 at 8:49 am

      Yup, the guys who used to shout lewd things at me from their cars when I was walking to and from work: white dudes, often driving decent cars and clearly commuting to a white collar job. The guys who used to get too close to me in bars, grab my ass when they were walking by, block my way past intentionally: always a white guy, almost always in a suit.

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 11:31 am

      Because anecdotal evidence is all that matters on a national scale…

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 11:29 am

      I have no data as to the why violent crimes are committed by any group. There is tons of data to show who is arrested and who is convicted of actual sexual crimes against women. Your anecdotal evidence is cute though.

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 1:51 pm

      Being arrested and convicted doesn’t mean you’re guilty, and it doesn’t mean you’re not. Try again.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 6:06 pm

      Data on who is arrested and convicted isn’t the same as data on who rapes and beats women. Given that the majority of women never even report the crime means that your cute little stats (oh wait… you didn’t provide any, silly little racist) don’t mean very much.

    • CMJ

      May 28, 2014 at 10:06 am

      Scratch the “pretty racist” from above and upgrade to super racist.

    • brebay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:37 am

      Country music has done more to promote misogyny than rap. Because at least rap is obvious about it, country cloaks it in twang and flag-waving, and purdy words.

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 2:40 pm

      Yeah, I’m sorry, but my bilingual nine year old godson is smart enough to know that’s stupid.

    • Gangle

      May 27, 2014 at 8:03 pm

      Racial profiling. Nice.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 27, 2014 at 9:09 pm

      More than half of convicted rapists are white men, but cute racism!

    • Rachel Sea

      May 27, 2014 at 10:14 pm

      And given that whites are more likely to get off whether they’re guilty or not, and that women don’t report rapes that they don’t think will be prosecuted…

    • KaeTay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:38 am

      If they’re innocent they don’t deserve to be locked up! The issue with rape IS NOT SKIN COLOR PEOPLE! It’s the the fact many women have lied about being rap ed and sending innocent men to jail. Our system is more skeptic and careful about these cases. This very thing happened in a town I lived in. I believe he spent 10 years in jail.

    • CMJ

      May 28, 2014 at 11:51 am

      no. No. no. no.

      “many woman” have NOT lied about rape. Most rapists don’t spend a day in jail.

      Go to hell. Seriously. You go straight to hell.

    • Eve Vawter

      May 28, 2014 at 11:59 am

      do not pass go

    • practicallyperfectineveryway

      May 28, 2014 at 7:42 pm

      The idea that many women lie about rape makes it so much more difficult for women to report it and be taken seriously. You’re right, most rapists don’t spend a day in jail.

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      I’m sorry, have you lost your mind?

      According to RAINN, 60% of sexual assaults are never reported. 97% of rapists never spent a day in jail. 73% of sexual assaults are committed by someone the victim knows.

      Given all that, it has nothing to do with an EXTREMELY broken system being “more skeptic”. It has a lot to do with the fact that people don’t believe a woman when she reports her rape, and even if they do, it’s often a he said/she said situation- and guess who gets believed? Women are told that there’s no point reporting a rape. And sadly, that’s often true. The only way we can change that is placing blame for rapes squarely where it belongs- on the rapist’s shoulders.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 5:50 pm

      I am sorry, but just fuck off. The number of women who lie about rape is miniscule. The majority of victims don’t even report because they are fearful of arseholes like you.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 31, 2014 at 8:33 am

      I was raped.
      I tried reporting it.
      I was told that the guy who did it “would never do something like that, he’s from such a good family”

      And the bit that hurt- “If you’re going out with him, then it’s not really rape is it?”

      A lot of the time women aren’t taken seriously when reporting a sex crime!

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 1:11 am

      And 80% of the population is considered white men. Fairly sure you can do that math as to what that means for sexual violence in the future. If you can’t all you need to do is look at the music videos associated with the young men of the cultures that are having the most male children…

    • KaeTay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:39 am

      Not anymore it’s not. And that comparison is like saying a video game made me violent which is bull.

    • KaeTay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:35 am

      Your statistics are horribly wrong and horribly racist. Do your research.

    • CMJ

      May 28, 2014 at 11:49 am

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      RAINN estimates that 52% of rapists are white men. So there’s that.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 28, 2014 at 2:23 pm

      Do YOUR research. And please, tell me more about this racism against white men. What the fuck is wrong with you?

    • practicallyperfectineveryway

      May 28, 2014 at 7:46 pm

      Is racism against white men what they call “reverse racism”? Because it doesn’t exist. Whether a white man is racist or not, he does benefit from the institutionalized racism in our society. (So do white women, obviously.) I actually had to scroll up and see what the original comment KaeTay was responding to was, because I thought that calling “racist” against white people was a JOKE.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 28, 2014 at 7:51 pm

      Yes and I totally agree. I just wanted her to run her mouth about it some more because I’m a masochist and I like reading the ramblings of morons 🙂

    • Rachel Sea

      May 27, 2014 at 10:17 pm

      Aww look at the cute little racist and his pretend statistics. “Most likely to disregard,” where’d you get that, Stormfront?

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 1:13 am

      Rachel, if you read my follow up post I do also include white fundie religious types. Please tell me I am wrong and that educated liberal folks are having lots and lots of kids. Then I will laugh at you…

    • March

      May 28, 2014 at 9:24 am

      Sex ed has a lot to answer for, if you so strongly emphasise the correlation between birth rates and sex in general. It also says a lot about your own general knowledge…

    • Michael Weldon

      May 28, 2014 at 11:14 am

      What are you talking about. Birth rate data is easily available online and easily sortable for any number of factors. You are embarissing yourself by conflating sex and birthrates, no one else here is.

    • shorty_RN

      May 28, 2014 at 12:21 am

      Pretty sure abuse ignores all racial boundaries…

  4. Jodina Joseph

    May 27, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    I can’t believe on it because of http://goo.gl/QBaHdV

  5. Gangle

    May 27, 2014 at 8:11 pm

    It confounds me that men take it so personally when they are turned down on an offer of sex. I have a friend who is quite the lad. He isn’t in a relationship, and for now is pretty happy to ‘play the field’. I have watched him in action. He walks up to a woman he likes, chats her up for a few minutes and then asks her if she is interested in having sex with him. Probably about 8 times out of ten (probably more) she turns him down. He wishes her good night and moves on. Nothing personal. He is pretty gross, to be sure, and largely unsuccessful I imagine, but at least he gets that women are entitled to say no and he isn’t entitled to know the reason why.

    • Jessie

      May 28, 2014 at 10:59 am

      As semi-gross as that is, I also kind of have to applaud him for being straightfoward. He makes it very clear what he wants, none of those false promises of a real relationship that lead to so many disappointed women. AND, like you said, he makes no big deal out of a rejection, so good on him for that.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 5:58 pm

      I think it is why I can be friends with him. He isn’t trying to trick women… he is just on the lookout for women who also just want some casual sex. I guess the easiest way to figure that out is to ask.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 31, 2014 at 8:31 am

      Fair play for him being so honest.
      Too many guys play the “I might wanna date you, but I can’t decide til after we’ve jiggied”

      Nothing wrong with a night of casual sex as long as he stays respectful.

      I actually have admiration for him.

    • brebay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:35 am

      In a weird way, that’s more respectful. Nothing wrong with wanting sex and not wanting a relationship, it’s the attempt at manipulation that’s such a turn-off.

  6. Byron

    May 27, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    I’m pretty sure there’s no website of women complaining about men turning them down because men generally don’t turn down free sex offers unless you’re like a -7/10 while commonly acceptable-looking men get turned down all the time. If you weigh 300 pounds you’re less likely to be awed about rejection enough to make a website about it while if you (think) you fit the “desirable ” standard that’d make you much more likely to do that.

    • Gangle

      May 27, 2014 at 10:54 pm

      I don’t know where you got your information that women are never turned down, but even assuming you are correct, the problem isn’t about men feeling disgruntled because they get turned down for sex. It is that they feel so angry about their ‘basic rights’ being denied them that they use hate speech and talk about being violent (or worse -carry out violent acts) against women because of it.

    • Byron

      May 27, 2014 at 11:12 pm

      I don’t know where you got that “never” from. I said “generally”. Generally, meaning most of the time. Most of the time allows for occasions where the statement ceases to be true while maintaining the point.

      I was responding to the part in the story about how there do not exist websites where women complain about rejection. I wasn’t touching upon the existence of the other sites and merely explained the rational common sense reason as to why there’s no women complaining about this. Nothing more.

    • G.S.

      May 28, 2014 at 12:31 am

      I think it’s more because women are more raised to see men as people with their own shit going on (and if we do want to complain, it’s usually to best friends over the phone, and even then, it’s usually, “Don’t worry about it, it’s one guy, there are millions more, you’ll find one”), while a number of men are raised to believe that a woman is something that “you get,” (usually by doing “nice” things) and that if you can’t get one, something’s wrong.

    • Gangle

      May 28, 2014 at 1:46 am

      I as G.S. said, women don’t view men as objects to be earned or owned. When we complain about being rejected, it never seems to come down to speaking disparagingly or violently about men. Over the phone/fb/text we may console each other and encourage each other.. but not ‘that fucking arsehole is going to get it and he will deserve it!!’. Women are much more likely to be raised to believe that believing someone owes you sexual favours or dates just because they are female or they did xyz is wrong.

    • Bunny Lou

      May 28, 2014 at 1:19 am

      I am a woman, I have never been above the overweight line, and I have been turned down for sex more times than I can even care to remember.

      You can look at my picture if you care to, I don’t consider myself to be “like a -7/10.” But apparently some men disagree?

    • Tinyfaeri

      May 28, 2014 at 11:28 am

      It’s attitudes like that that make it difficult for men to report their own rapes. Because no man is going to turn down sex (it’s all the want/need and they have no self control anyway), so how could she/he have raped him? Hey! Misogyny, it does affect all of us.

    • practicallyperfectineveryway

      May 28, 2014 at 7:37 pm

      This! Feminism is for everyone’s benefit not just women’s.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 31, 2014 at 8:29 am

      I found out last year a close friend of mine had been raped by his girlfriend.
      They’re kinda into BDSM (AWESOME!) but he had had enough and she refused to untie him and raped him repeatedly the entire night.

      I asked him why he didn’t report it. and he said- “who would believe me?”
      He’s a well built rugby player, she’s a little blonde pixie.
      Plus the fact that their sex life would be called into question.
      Very difficult to prove sexual assault if you’re into BDSM.

      What was worse (if that’s possible) is that he said she seemed to get off on him begging her to stop, and once she did untie him she laughed and said “I enjoyed that”

      Those words will haunt me forever- “Who would believe me?”

      Sick bitch.

    • Tinyfaeri

      May 31, 2014 at 11:20 am

      That’s horrible, and sick bitch is an understatement. No one ever deserves to be abused like that, I don’t care what kind of sex you like. No means no, and safe words exist for a reason, not listening to one is a tremendous breach of trust (which is the most important part of most BSDM activities). I hope they aren’t still together, and I hope he has been able to at least talk to a rape or abuse counselor about it, even if he isn’t filing charges.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 31, 2014 at 8:05 pm

      Exactly!!
      Thank god he got the f**k away from her.

      He never pressed charges, I think it was down to male pride because he’s huge like 6 foot 6 and she barely hit 5’2″.

      He is in counselling at the moment but it’s so sad, he hasn’t had a relationship since her (I was told last year, it happened 4 years ago)

    • brebay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:33 am

      That rating scale is really evolved and not at all a part of the problem.

    • G.E. Phillips

      May 28, 2014 at 12:31 pm

      1) I have been turned down for sex–more than once, actually.
      2) I’m pretty freaking cute.
      3) I didn’t do anything weird or gross right before the potential sex; the guy had complicated, emotional reasons that had nothing to do with me, per se.
      4) Never did it once occur to me to create a website about it.

    • Airbones

      May 28, 2014 at 12:52 pm

      Um, I’m a 5’7″, 105 lb blonde girl with big perky boobs, a straight, white smile, a nice butt, a college degree and a job. I have been turned down for sex. It did not make me angry at all.

    • gothicgaelicgirl

      May 31, 2014 at 8:26 am

      As a stumpy 5’3″, I am envious of your height. =)

  7. SunnyD847

    May 27, 2014 at 10:54 pm

    I made it through about 3 pages of stories on that site. I feel physically ill. I want to lock up my daughters.

    • March

      May 28, 2014 at 9:21 am

      Your wanting to lock up your daughters is a symptom of the fuckery. Let other people lock up their sons, damn it.

  8. Sofia Caden

    May 28, 2014 at 3:36 am

    Something I’ve not seen commented on, and something to think further about. Elliot Rodger suffered an immense sense of loss at an early age, and thereafter. Leaving the country of his birth, and a structured family (grandparents, aunts/uncles and cousins he loved dearly), all he had known (and he talked about it frequently, enjoying the many trips he took to visit them) – in fact, he talked more about how important it was to make his grandparents proud of him and spoke nothing of making his own parents proud. http://bit.ly/1tN1vPY

    • March

      May 28, 2014 at 9:25 am

      And your point is exactly what?

    • brebay

      May 28, 2014 at 11:32 am

      Living far away from your grandparents= mass murderer. Duh.

    • whiteroses

      May 28, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      The problem with that idea is that plenty of people leave their families/countries/homes- and yet, they don’t commit mass murder.

  9. Vivek Pal

    May 28, 2014 at 3:37 am

    Latest cheapest wedding dress limited stock. Hury up grab it.
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  10. mediocrity511

    May 28, 2014 at 5:25 am

    As well as men going ape when they don’t get what they want, we have women who don’t feel able to say no. I’m more assertive nowadays, but when I was younger there were times I consented to sexual activity because I lacked the assertiveness to say no and even felt it’d be rude to withhold consent when they’d bought me dinner/taken me to the cinema/given me somewhere to stay. We need to teach our young women confidence and assertiveness and that sexual activity is not an expected part of a transaction when a man does something nice.
    My worst experience was when my alcoholic, ex military neighbour groped me and ground himself against me. I was so scared, too scared to run away. I ended up spending all day with him, culminating with getting locked in a park. After that, my support worker fitted me a door chain and we wrote a list of excuses for why I couldn’t see him and pinned it to the back of the door.

  11. Jessie

    May 28, 2014 at 11:25 am

    I read some of that Tumblr and I feel sick… I think this one has made me the most ragey so far (though they’re all horrifying):

    http://whenwomenrefuse.tumblr.com/post/86961001578/atomic-glitter-facebooksexism#notes

  12. John Dimmy

    May 28, 2014 at 12:27 pm

    that is not good … some people are too bad like this one and hurt others … http://goo.gl/RakIkc

  13. SA

    May 28, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    This is hitting home today. Just found out a woman was raped when a man broke in to her house the other morning in my neighborhood and has not yet been caught. No man is entitled to having a woman. This mentality must stop.

  14. Alexandra

    May 28, 2014 at 3:41 pm

    A friend in grade school’s mother was attacked viciously with a knife and permanently disfigured by her ex husband because he left her.

  15. Pingback: Elliot Rodger Proves How Much We Need Feminism In 2014

  16. gothicgaelicgirl

    May 31, 2014 at 8:25 am

    I was coerced into losing my virginity at a young enough age by the guy I was seeing.
    Because we were dating he was “allowed to have SEX WITH ME!”

    Not “we can have sex” or “we can be intimate”

    He was allowed to “HAVE” me.

    I regret staying with him as long as I did but I was young, naive and brainwashed.

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