Here Is What Will Happen The Second Kate Middleton Goes Into Labor
You know we’re all getting royal baby anxious when even Kate Middleton‘s mother-in-law Camilla is throwing out birthing deadlines. But with about zero time left before K Middy’s baby arrives, Buckingham Palace has this royal birthing plan down to every last helicopter detail — no doubt running test drills with faux Twitter labor rumors. How else can you explain this chain of command once Kate realizes that birthing is underway?
Us Weekly reports that “there is nothing left to prepare or plan for,” according to palace staff, as Kate’s underlings have done all appropriate “i” dotting and “t” crossing:
As soon as Prince William‘s wife feels her first contraction, she’ll alert her private secretary, Jamie Lowther-Pinkerton, who will then ring Middleton’s doctor Marcus Setchell on his palace-issued mobile.
“It’s an encrypted signal,” says a source, “so there’s no way anyone can intercept it.” He’ll then hop into his BMW 6 Series, throw a flashing green emergency beacon light on the roof, and drive the seven-mile, 26-minute route from his Muswell Hill, North London home to St. Mary’s Hospital in Paddington.
An encrypted device? With a BMW that has an emergency light? How BATMAN is this? Will the palace then throw a pacifier Batman-esque sign up into the air so we can all scramble and I can wake up Eve Vawter at three o’clock in the morning? Close!
Once K Middy is safely installed into her 1,500-a-night room birthing suite (complete with wifi and satellite TV, which has been “sealed off” since July 1st), Buckingham Palace will reportedly let us know that the royal baby is upon us. (But of course, we’ll want to know sooner than that).
If all goes according to this tightly wound little machine of a plan, Kate will birth “naturally” (which I assume in this context means vaginally) with Prince William clutching her princess paws the entire time. Then they will bust out that vintage easel we have been hearing so much about, to confirm the gender, and Eve and I will need a nap.