Holidays

What Your Christmas Decorations Say About You

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You think the holidays are about peace, love, community and togetherness? That’s adorable. Really, they’re about a public performance of identity and socio-economic status. Christmas is just a couple days away, so here’s what your Christmas decorations say about you.

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Full-On Colored Lights Extravaganza

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Seeing cars slow down in front of your house is better than sex. On the first of every month, you read at least six long-form horoscopes intently. You own three books on investing and a blender so powerful it could probably make nut butter out of a chunk of quartz. Your makeup is always flawless.

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Ghosts and Ghouls and Skeletons wearing Santa Hats

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You left your Halloween decorations up too long and now it’s cold and you’d rather sit inside and drink hot wine than bother chipping your skeletons’ feet out of the ice. You’re creative and passionate but super lazy, but you’ll put that creativity to good use while drinking hot wine and imagining ways to incorporate skeletons into a Valentine’s Day tableau.

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All-White Lights Tastefully Arranged to Highlight Your Home’s Architecture

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When the Pottery Barn catalog arrives at your house, it’s more exciting than when the American Girl catalog did when you were a small child. That’s probably because you were never allowed to buy anything from the American Girl catalog, and now you’re buying everything in the Pottery Barn catalog that is not nailed down. You’ve also bought half the American Girl catalog at this point, and don’t even get me started on Williams-Sonoma. Your Christmas house looks like a tasteful winter wonderland, and come spring you will get obsessively into barbecue. You have dreams where Kate Middleton comes to visit and says she likes your fireplace.

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Two Words: Christmas Roller-Coaster

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You are the youngest child. You think about buying a bar at least three times a week.

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Real Tree Decorated with Old Ornaments from a Box from Your Mom, and a Slightly Banged-Up Angel Handed Down From Some Other Old Relative

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You know at least three adults who go by weird childhood nicknames like “Bump” or “Sausage” or “Mops.” You kind of know how to sail, and you had a full set of proper glassware before you left college. You’re weirdly startled whenever you see liquid hand soap in a person’s home.

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A Big Old Pastel Christmas Tree

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You’ve read everything by Jane Austen and own at least three pussy bow blouses. You have a thing for ersatz French gold-plated furniture, sparkling mirrors, and over-the-top ostentatious decor, but lately you feel like you need to get rid of that and start to focus on clean lines, quality, and modernism. It’s going to be a bitch getting all that glitter out of your rugs, though.

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Fake Christmas Tree That Looks Just Like a Real Christmas Tree

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You are deeply pragmatic. You have scented plug-ins in every room of your house, you use paper towels as napkins because obviously they’re the same things as napkins, and your car gets such good gas mileage it actually makes more fuel when you drive on the highway.

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Your Tree Has No Lights or Ornaments Within Three Feet of the Ground

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You have a toddler, or a cat. Same diff, really.

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White Christmas Tree with Curated, Tasteful Vintage Ornaments

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This started out ironic and got out of hand, but now it’s an integral part of your identity. You have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to “Tasteful White Christmas Trees.”

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Lights Around the Edge of the Room, in about 20 minutes

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You literally just realized you have three days left to buy Christmas presents. How the hell does December 25 sneak up on you every damn year? You’re on Amazon as we speak.

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