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10 Things Both Parents AND The Childfree By Choice Hate About Kids

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childfreeParents and child-free people have a lot more in common than what you would think. Except the child-free people are doing a lot more for the environment by choosing not to breed. I’m a mom of four kids, but I’m totally on the child-free team. I love my kids to pieces but if I did not know them and they weren’t all ready here and living under my roof and taking all my money and waking me up at six a.m. to ask me how to make a wedding dress for our cat out of paper towels? Hell no, I would not have children. I love my kids because I know my kids. If there were just a twinkle in the sky and had never been born I would have zero interest in them. Don’t get me wrong, I like kids in general, they can be kinda cool humans and sometimes they can be funny and they will usually do stuff for you if you bribe them to do so, but us breeders get just as annoyed with kids as the child-free do. Oh let me count the ways.

They Are The Messiest Mess-Makers In Mess Town 

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(Image: Pinterest)

I love my kids, but FFS can’t they be a little bit cleaner? There should be a new law passed that every baby born in America comes with 18 years of maid service. As much as I teach my kids to clean up after themselves they still are total fail sauce at performing simple tasks, like PEEING WHERE THE PEE GOES and pouring juice.

 All They Do Is Talk 

Blab blab blab blab. From morning until night all they do is talk. And yeah, talking is fine, I love having conversations but you know who sucks at having conversations? A ten-year-old who just got the new Lego catalogue in the mail. Every conversation is “Mom, you know what three hundred dollar Lego set I want for my birthday in eight months? I want this one, the one with all the super small pieces. The really small pieces. It’s so cool. Mom, look at this. Mom, see, if I had this one I could build so many things. Mom? Mom. Mom, this is the one I want.” Over and over and over again.

 They Throw Tantrums. In Public. 

I can sympathize with the kid losing his shit in the grocery store over not being able to buy a box of Booberry cereal (That shit is awesome) but I can see where it drives childless people crazy. One minute you are trying to buy some nice organic arugula and the next you are watching some toddler have a level four meltdown over not getting a balloon in the checkout aisle.

 Diapers

Show me one parent who says they looooove changing diapers and they are either a liar or  a liar. No one likes diapers. You change them because babies cannot change themselves. If suddenly babies started changing their own diapers and doing it correctly and then taking the dirty diaper outside to place in the trash after they have tightly wrapped it in a plastic bag so the raccoons couldn’t eat it? That would be AWESOME.

 They Take All The Money 

Kids are expensive. Yeah yeah yeah I should have thought about this before I opened my whore legs and got myself knocked up but why does all their shit have to be so expensive? Add four college educations to the years and years of clothing and feeding them and taking them places and buying them shoes and video game systems where they can shoot cartoons in the head and I may as well just give up and accept the fact that I will never own a winter coat that costs over 100 dollars for myself. EVER.

 You Can’t Understand What They Are Saying Most Of The Time 

Sure, baby babble can be cute, but one more than one occasion I have been expected to have lengthy conversations with a small person who has a vocabulary that consists of the words cat, bye-bye, and ow. How can we be expected to work with this?

 They Question Everything You Say 

Why? Why? Why? Why do I have to go to bed why is the dog so cute why do I have so much homework why are you crying why do I have to clean up my toys why does daddy drink so much wine why can’t I drive the car why is their air why were you and dad naked why isn’t it Christmas why why why why.

 They Sometimes Refuse To Fall Asleep 

The child-free don’t have to deal with this unless they are subjected to wanting to spend time with an adult who has a young human that came out of their vagina, but sometimes the times I have hated being a parent the most is when I’m exhausted and one of my kids just…. wouldn’t….go…to….sleep. That’s when you take them into bed with you, but a Disney movie on in hopes that it will make them drowsy, and they end up talking to you the entire time or dragging all their GUYS into the bed so you wake up with a Barbie hand poking you in the ass or you just get up with them and end up reading them Pat The Bunny for the gazillionth time.

 People Take Them Out. In Public. 

On the rare occasions I go out, like a grownup, you know when you put on lipstick and wear heels you haven’t worn in months and secure a babysitter and pay a ton of money to some jerk who will probably eat all your snacks to have them make sure your kids don’t set your house on fire, I do not want to see kids. I do not wanna see my kids, I do not wanna see your kids. So many people get all irate if the child-free bitch about being subjected to kids in restaurants in the evening. Unless I am at a Chuck E. Cheese, I do not want to see your baby while I am trying to have an adult night out.

 There Is A Pretty Good Chance They Will Grow Up To Be An Asshole

I hate to break it to you, but no matter how much you love and cuddle and adore your beautiful amazing cooing bundle of joy, they could one day grow up to be an asshole. Do you think Anthony Weiner‘s parents realized their baby would grow up to be a creep when they were watching him toddle around his backyard in the sunshine? Do you think Chris Brown‘s parents were all “Oh, look at how sweet he looks sleeping, one day he will grow up to beat his girlfriend in a moving car?” If we could see exactly what our kids would one day turn out like as adults, I’m pretty sure many of us would never have kids. We are LUCKY if they turn into decent human beings, no matter how great a job we do as parents.

(Image: KUCO /shutterstock)

57 Comments

  1. 88Mwife

    September 11, 2013 at 10:48 am

    haha #4 made me think of my sister. She cloth diapers (which is awesome) but when I mentioned the how weird it would be to shake the poop out in the toilet, she said that since she is exclusively breast feeding and giving her little princess only homemade organic baby food her poop isn’t really that bad. So I bought her this. She’s still laughing.

    • Andy

      September 11, 2013 at 11:08 am

      Glad to hear your sis has a sense of humor! Seriously, I know a few people who would get their panties in a twist over that 😉

    • Paul White

      September 11, 2013 at 11:15 am

      bwhahahahahahahahahahahahaha

      I wish ours pooped rainbows instead of nasty smelly gross.

    • nunnia_bidness

      September 11, 2013 at 9:49 pm

      this makes no sense tho. Why would a baby wear a onesie that says “my baby poops rainbows”? This implies that the baby has its own baby, which is FALSE and impossible anyway. This is ridiculous and probably illegal (false advertising)! They scamed you! You should return it at once!

    • doxgukka

      September 12, 2013 at 12:25 am

      Same goes for those MILF onesies – why oh why oh why!!!!

    • 88Mwife

      September 12, 2013 at 8:50 am

      Well, to be fair, its a custom onesie, and I made it myself. It was going to say ‘My baby poops are rainbows’, because that was the phrase she used (jokingly) when I started to tease her about her Earth Mama comments.

    • Rachel Sea

      September 12, 2013 at 3:31 pm

      LOL, ask her again when the kid is two. The only rainbows in a toddler diaper come from the kid having eaten a crayon.

    • freemane

      September 12, 2013 at 7:23 pm

      Technically, we’re supposed to shake the poop from disposable diapers into the toilet as well… I don’t think anyone actually does… sorry random thoughts…

    • Iwill Findu

      December 16, 2013 at 5:33 pm

      Might get less animals digging though the trash if they did that. I’ve lost track of how many diapers I’ve seen ripped from trash-bags in my life time.

  2. Andy

    September 11, 2013 at 11:11 am

    #9 times a million! I remember when DD was five months old, my mom kept her for a night so hubby and I could go out to a nice dinner, check into a hotel and have some, ahem, adult time and sleep in. Well, after I had gone to the effort to squeeze into Spanx and a cute dress, put on heels, put my hair up and do my makeup, we were at dinner and a baby started crying, which set off their big sister into a tantrum. So not only did we have to listen to a toddler throwing a hissy fit, I started to leak from hearing a crying baby. Not cool 🙁

  3. Emil

    September 11, 2013 at 2:55 pm

    Probably alone in this one but it I don’t mind when other people’s kids throw tantrums in public, I’m like- glad it’s not mine for once.

    • G.E. Phillips

      September 11, 2013 at 6:38 pm

      Me too. I feel a combination of sympathy and, “Haha! Your turn now!” whenever that happens.

    • Rachel Sea

      September 12, 2013 at 3:33 pm

      I rarely mind tantrums, I sometimes mind how they are handled.

    • PrairieCoast

      December 17, 2013 at 3:40 pm

      Oh, that is totally me. Crying babies on airplanes? A toddler throwing a tantrum at the next table? Bring it on! It’s just the reminder I need to be able to fully enjoy and appreciate my time away from my own kid.

  4. jendra_berri

    September 11, 2013 at 4:54 pm

    I have a distinct memory of throwing a tantrum in the grocery store when I was very small. I think about 4 or 5, because my brother was in my mom’s shopping cart and we’re 2 1/2 years apart.
    I was on the ground hollering about something. My mom leaned down and said to me, “You’re embarrassing yourself. Everyone is looking at you.” And then she walked away.
    I then looked around, saw people looking at me and developed a sense of shame on the spot. I got up, stopped crying and I can’t recall throwing a tantrum in public after that.
    At home, sure. But not in public.

    • Wendy

      September 11, 2013 at 7:18 pm

      Phenomenal. Can she be my mom, too?

    • Kelby Johnson

      September 17, 2013 at 10:15 pm

      I remember my mom saying something similar to me when I was younger as well. It worked like a charm…

  5. Annona

    September 11, 2013 at 4:59 pm

    Yeah, pretty much peeing my pants over all these. On the rare RARE occasion when me and hubs have a “what if?” Moment, all it takes is a mid morning trip to the shrieking, sticky, poo scented hell that is Target to make my uterus slam shut like a bank vault door.

    • AP

      September 11, 2013 at 11:51 pm

      Every time I’m in Target, I realize how few children you have to deal with on a daily basis when you live in the city, because in Target, there are just SO MANY of them, and they are all SO LOUD.

    • Rachel Sea

      September 12, 2013 at 3:38 pm

      Something about Target makes kids extra loud, they must pump pheromones through the A/C that ramp up the avarice.

      Even at Disneyland, which provides a hundred opportunities to freak out every hour, kids are so much more mellow.

  6. allisonjayne

    September 11, 2013 at 5:02 pm

    Oh man, that last one…that’s been one of the weirdest things about being a parent for me. The realization that most people (hopefully, though I know there are many exceptions) at some point had parents who loved and cared for them and had dreams for them and cuddled them. Sure, I can assume that most of the biggest assholes in the world didn’t have parents who loved them, and that’s why they’re assholes, but chances are that’s not always the case. And that realization makes me so sad.

    • Wendy

      September 11, 2013 at 7:23 pm

      Sometimes they’re assholes BECAUSE their parents loved them so much they did everything for them and gave them everything they wanted and basically spoiled the shit out of them. Until they think that the world caters to them and owes them and the rules for other people don’t apply to them because they’re special snowflakes. It’s a fine line..and one of my biggest fears as a parent. Does that make it slightly less sad?

    • Eve Vawter

      September 12, 2013 at 9:43 am

      WORD AND WORD

    • Rachel Sea

      September 12, 2013 at 3:41 pm

      For real. One of my friends coddles the hell out of her youngest, and he is an intolerable little shit when she is in charge of him. When I watch him he knows I won’t put up with that crap, so he toes the line, but I can see him being a huge problem once he hits puberty.

  7. G.E. Phillips

    September 11, 2013 at 6:32 pm

    The questions. And the not sleeping…with further questions. And the “guys” all in my bed, all the time. You’d think I was dating Batman, I’ve got enough of his shit up in my boudoir.

    • cady

      September 11, 2013 at 6:53 pm

      My mom instituted a CRAZY strict bedtime. At 8 p.m., we went to bed. If we said we couldn’t sleep, her response: I don’t care, go stare at the ceiling but don’t get out of bed again or you’re grounded.

      My parents really didn’t budge on it, and it gave them a lot of peace.

    • G.E. Phillips

      September 11, 2013 at 7:08 pm

      He has a bedtime, and I do stick to it, but he’s 3. Can’t really ground a 3 year old. And I thought we were venting here. Safe space, people!

    • cady

      September 11, 2013 at 7:45 pm

      I wasn’t criticizing, just offering a suggestion about what worked for our family.

    • Fluffy_1

      June 7, 2014 at 5:49 pm

      Lol, my parents did that, too. My mum once said, “I don’t care if you’re not sleepy. Just go upstairs and read your book in bed, cuz your father and I want some alone time.” XD

    • Wendy

      September 11, 2013 at 7:21 pm

      My children have supersonic hearing. If you open a snack and they are within a twenty mile radius, they will hear it. The oldest one asks, but the youngest just hints until you feel sorry for him. “I’ve never had that before. I wish I could try it.” ARGH! MY CANDY!!!!!

    • LadyL

      September 13, 2013 at 12:30 pm

      I’m childfree and a camp counselor, and the kids at camp would do the hinting thing all the time. My method? Just pretend you take their comments at face value.

      “That looks so good”
      “Yeah, it is.”
      “I’ve never had that before.”
      “Me either, which is why I’m so excited to have it now.”
      “Boy, I wish I had that for lunch.”
      “Yeah, I’m glad I bought this and packed it for myself.”
      “I wish I could try some.”
      “You should ask your parents to get you some next time they’re at the store.”
      It usually stymies them and they stop asking at some point. Some kids ask for food outright, then I just politely say, “No, I need this, this food is my fuel to keep me going all afternoon. You better eat your lunch, it looks good!”. One kid (an older one) did try to pull a “No fair! I just want one! My mom shares with me all the time!” and I flat out responded, “Well I’m not your mom, I’m a broke college student, and these chips cost me money, so I’m eating every single one of them myself.” I might have been a little harsh there, but don’t mess with my food. I will consider a trade if you have something of equivalent value in your lunchbox.

    • Simone

      September 11, 2013 at 8:33 pm

      LOL tiny little beggar. Ours vacuums around the dinner table like a wee pup, but my partner gets offended if I call him ‘puppy’.

    • Eve Vawter

      September 12, 2013 at 9:43 am

      HAHAHAH DATING BATMAN IS THE BEST

    • Litterboxjen

      December 17, 2013 at 11:41 am

      “Oh! Oh! And what about the part where you can’t just eat your own plate of food without a tiny little beggar at your feet.”

      Oh god, THIS. “Bite? Bite? Ahhhhhh….” that is my life.

  8. EmmaFromÉire

    September 11, 2013 at 7:16 pm

    I genuinely love children, but the public tantrums. Oh lord. I commute to college every morning, an hour in and an hour home, and there’s always at least one asshole who just watches their kid scream, and does absolutely nothing about it. I will never subscribe to the ”just ignore it” school of parenting, mainly for the sake of my eardrums, let alone anybody else’s!

    • Simone

      September 11, 2013 at 10:22 pm

      Ignore it my ass. FIX IT. Firm, respectful, immediate response. Parents who ignore public tantrums piss me off.

    • Muggle

      September 12, 2013 at 2:52 am

      I have Tourette Syndrome, and screaming children set off my most embarrassing and most noticeable tic. For my sake and the sake of anyone else who has to awkwardly watch me jerk my head to the side repeatedly and uncontrollably, FIX IT.

      And people wonder why I don’t want children. >8C

    • PrairieCoast

      December 17, 2013 at 5:16 pm

      I don’t know, I don’t think parents can win either way with this one. For my almost-two-year old, the only way of fixing a public tantrum when there is not an option to vacate the premises, is distracting him with a snack, which is also “The Wrong Way” to parent. I feel like for every person who is thankful that he shut up, there would be another person rolling their eyes and later commenting on the internet about all these terrible parents who always give in to and therefore enable their children’s’ tantrums. Sigh.

  9. Kelly Shelton

    September 12, 2013 at 1:29 am

    I have an acquaintance that is doing the whole “no diapers” thing. She had no idea why I was upset when her kid plopped one out on my living room floor.

    • Simone

      September 12, 2013 at 1:31 am

      We’re quite often diaper-free, but only at our home. I can’t imagine taking a butt naked baby visiting. That is insanity.

    • Kelly Shelton

      September 12, 2013 at 12:20 pm

      Oh, I agree it’s fine in your own home. In fact, straight out of a bath, we’d often not put my niece and nephews in their diapers. You have to let the skin breathe a little.

      In public or someone else’s home is a different story, though.

    • Rachel Sea

      September 12, 2013 at 3:45 pm

      Oh HELL no. I’m all for diaper-free if you have the time for it, but you still use a diaper prophylactically when you are out of the house. Your kid poops on my carpet because of your negligence, and you will be buying me a new carpet.

    • jendra_berri

      September 12, 2013 at 5:37 pm

      No idea? Well, therein lies a certain divorce from reality!
      I’ve talked to people who do no diapers, or part-time do no diapers. If that is working out and you like the results, go nuts. I applaud you. Less laundry or less in the landfill. Good for you.
      But all baby asses be diapered in my house. Ze poop iz not welcome on my floor.

    • Carolyn Pigford

      September 13, 2013 at 6:59 am

      Wait…that’s a thing? I get letting a kid air out for a bit…but a ‘part time’ diaper wearer?

  10. Edify

    September 12, 2013 at 9:21 am

    Nodding along here to it all. The talking, the questions, the talking whilst refusing to sleep.

    My 3yo though, I’m furiously agreeing with the money comments. Not because of how much I have to spend on her but because if she sees money, she takes it and puts it in her money box. Kid has more disposable income than me.

  11. Momof3

    September 12, 2013 at 2:34 pm

    Eve, you are the FUNNIEST! Lov le this article. Except for the winter coat comment. That’s sad.

  12. runningrunner

    September 12, 2013 at 3:27 pm

    Why is a college education included in the cost of raising children? I have no intention of paying for my unborn’s college education. I fully intend to raise her to the best of my ability to have the qualities that will enable her to work hard, save money, budget sensibly, and put her own damn self through school should that be the path she chooses.

    • Jessica Weber

      September 12, 2013 at 5:05 pm

      Yeah I don’t get that either. I went through college and paid for it on my own. I was considered a grown-up by then so if I wanted to go I needed to figure it out. Same went for my husband and yeah, probably my kids too, eventually. Mostly because we are seriously broke (partly from college ha ha) and the thought of having to save for yet one more thing gives me hives.

    • G.S.

      September 13, 2013 at 11:56 pm

      In Canada/Ontario, we have OSAP, and it’s essentially the norm for students to apply for it and then pay it back over time after they graduate or leave for whatever reason. A lot of kids also had part-time jobs to save up for college, but everyone applied for OSAP. I’m pretty sure the USA has something like that. too. Are the attitudes just different?

    • Litterboxjen

      December 17, 2013 at 11:44 am

      I didn’t qualify for OSAP because my parents made “too much” money, even though they didn’t have enough spare to cover my uni. I lived at home and worked throughout the school year, so my university costs were pretty contained.

      We started an RESP for our kid when she was born — I had the same feeling as the Guest, but at least we have the money there to help if it’s needed.

    • PrairieCoast

      December 17, 2013 at 3:46 pm

      Yeah, you can get really screwed over by the provincial and federal student loan system. If your parents make “too much” money or live in the same area as the university you are attending it is assumed that they should be housing you and funding your education, so you’ll get denied a loan. I had a few friends in Manitoba whom this happened to. I’m guessing that load of crap contributes to the idea that parents need to save for their kids’ education. I personally would love to be able to pay for my kid(s) first year, but after that they’d be on their own. I guess I would probably reluctantly maybe let them live with me if they went to school nearby. But for the duration of an undergrad ONLY!!!

  13. Christine

    September 13, 2013 at 11:52 am

    You win the internet for putting Sam Jackson’s “English, motherfucker, do you speak it?” gif up about babies. Great job!

    • Eve Vawter

      September 13, 2013 at 1:54 pm

      I will do this always. Plus, we all love Sam! xo

  14. Local

    January 25, 2014 at 9:27 pm

    I love this woman!

  15. gracie edwards

    August 30, 2014 at 10:17 am

    IM 10 AND THATS ALSO RUDE YOU KNOW NOT ALL KIDS ARE LIKE THT IM CALM SWEET AND ALL AND GEE THANKS -_- I WONDER HOW MANY OTHER KIDS ARE READING THIS

  16. gracie edwards

    August 30, 2014 at 10:18 am

    … things we hate about adults they drink beer ewww there mean they think there the boss there so tall like omg -_-

  17. Intheknow

    September 24, 2014 at 2:19 pm

    Kids simply suck. They are indeed expensive, needy, and you can’t send them back once you have them. I see nothing appealing about them. They are little people who grow up into big people. Big woo! They are messy, whiny, germy, and annoying. Kind of like big people. Again, I don’t see the allure at all. I want to do what I want to do, not be a slave to some kid(s). They wreck a woman’s body, her life, and leave her drained. They leave a guy drained too, but in different ways. Kids suck. Period.

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