What Pregnant Women Really Think About What Men Think About Their Pregnant Bodies

If you’ve ever been pregnant, you will know that approximately the last thought on your mind is, “But what do men think about the way this fetus is remodeling my internal and external anatomy?” That, of course, did not stop The Stir from talking to a bunch of dudes about their very important opinions about how pregnant people look while creating human life in their tummies. After giving the word-vomit that is these guys’ thoughts its due consideration (none), I’ve assembled a short essay on what pregnant people think about what men think about their bodies.

1. “Your boobs look great.”

(via)

Yeah, and they’re also so tender that I can literally feel you looking at them. And it hurts. Stop staring and get me some ice cream.

2. “Your pregnancy is kind of a turn-off for me.”

(via)

Wow, that’s too bad, because with my constant sciatica and the extra 45 pounds I’m hauling around, I was really feeling hot to trot. You know what’s a turn-off for me? Men who spend their time complaining that I’m no longer penis-worthy instead of getting me ice cream.

3. “You’re looking sexy.“

(via)

Touch me and I guarantee you will lose a hand.

4. “You’ve kind of let yourself go during your pregnancy.”

(via)

You’ve kind of turned into a raging asshole during my pregnancy.

5. “I appreciate what you’re going through for us.”

(via)

YOU DID THIS TO ME.

6. “Your stretched out, ‘amorphous blob’ of a pregnant body grosses me out.”

(via)

The fact that no one has exiled you from civilized society yet grosses me out. As does my still-empty ice cream dish.

7. “It’s like there’s a third person in the room during sex.”

(via)

Spoiler: THERE IS. No, I don’t mean the fetus. I’m talking about the physical embodiment of my disdain for your opinions about my body, which has been made manifest by its density and intensity. By the way, the physical embodiment of my disdain for your opinions about my body has a request: mint chocolate chip.

8. “Your body is capable of amazing things.”

(via)