Of all the rooms in our house, the one with the most alarming and bizarre messes is my kids' bathroom. They can do what they want to their bedrooms, and the play room we try to keep in an acceptable state (i.e. we can walk through it), but their bathroom is shared by all and cleaned by me. That makes it personal. And I want to know how almost seven-year-old human beings manage to commit these kinds of atrocities.
1. Toothpaste On Every Surface...Every Surface.
Effing toothpaste. I hate toothpaste. That seems like a strange thing to hate unless you're a parent of small children, in which case, oh my god how much do you hate toothpaste?! I know. Me too.
The sink is bad enough; if toothpaste could be murdered, the sink would be the crime scene. But then you get in there to clean and you find toothpaste on drawer handles, on the toilet, on the ceiling... how does someone that small get toothpaste on the ceiling? Never mind. I'm positive I don't want to know.
2. Entire Rolls Of Toilet Paper In The Toilet.
I have, on more than one occasion, found an entire roll of sopping wet toilet paper in the trashcan of my kids bathroom. This is 100% of the time because they dropped it in the toilet. How does that happen? First of all, it should be on the toilet paper dispenser but let's not start asking for miracles. at the very least, however, they should be sitting on the toilet when the need for said toilet paper arises. There should not be a time when you are actively using toilet paper with your ass removed from the seat. I think it's time to send those two back to Remedial Wiping.
3. The Mysterious Mirror Smudge.
Honestly, What is that thing? Within hours of cleaning the bathroom mirror there is always pale, smudgy mess right at kid level. What is it made out of? And why would it ever occur to a person to rub it on a mirror? And why would that person then do that over and over again?
4. Floor Vent Pot Pourri.
I just took a peek in the bathroom floor vent, which is closed, because I am not an idiot. Currently we have a pink popsicle stick, an owl sticker, half of a pencil, and some sequins. It's like doing an archeological dig on the land of ancient peoples and wondering what the things you find there mean about their lives. My kids' bathroom says, "These people loved crafts and hated pencils."
5. Water Water Everywhere, And Not A Drop To Drink.
This mess is one i have caught in the act of being made. Apparently, there is nothing a child loves more than to watch themselves spit water out of their mouths. This can be a slow dribble down the chin, or a quick spray that gets the faucet and mirror. I guess I should be glad they are easily entertained, but this seems like they are perhaps easily entertained on a diagnosable level.
6. The All Or Nothing Hand Soap.
One of my fellow Mommyish writers said that her kid likes to pump out all of the hand soap when it's filled up and it makes her crazy. My children's hand soap, however, remains suspiciously full no matter how many times they swear up and down that they washed their hands with soap and water. It's super gross, but I am so very tired. I'll call the fact that it is in there, filled up, and not causing a mess as a win.
7. The Crusty Toothbrush of Lies.
We've talked about rinsing off their toothbrushes after they've used them. Really, we have. I have discussed with my adorable liars how hard it makes it to brush your teeth when the bristles don't bend. And yet, when I take a look at their toothbrushes, it appears that no water has ever even come close to touching those bristles. They say they understand, but their toothbrushes tell a different story. And that is a story of lies.
8. Just Gonna Drop That Wash Cloth Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight Here.
It's like hunting for Easter eggs when I go searching for wash cloths in my kids' bathroom. Where will I find a damp, balled up wash cloth next? In the tub? Under the sink? Behind the door? Oh good, there a four back there! At least now I know.
9. Pee, You Wandered Into The Wrong Neighborhood.
How does urine end up on the floor behind a toilet? Behind it! Whatever is happening here, this one basic bathroom rule -- that pee goes inside the toilet -- shouldn't need to include a rule that it also doesn't go behind it.
In short, my kids' bathroom is a disaster area where basic rules of etiquette, hygiene, and nature are routinely flaunted.
Man, I hate that place.