You can read all the books and all the websites, but once the baby has left your body, you're on your own. Nothing can prepare you for that moment when you suddenly realize you have a baby in your house. Here are 12 thoughts you will have in the first 24 hours.
1. I can't believe they just let me leave with this.
Do they really know you have this? You don't know anything. There should really be a better system of checks and balances in place to stop this from happening.
2. Oh shit, I touched the soft spot!
Crap. You almost certainly deformed the infant's brain. (That's not true. The baby is fine. The soft spot is freaky and disturbing, but it's not actually that fragile.)
3. Is the umbilical cord stump supposed to look like that?
I don't think I know what an infection looks like.
4. Oh good, it's time for bed!
Time to put your adorable bundle in her little, cutely decorated sleep spot for the night. In the morning you will do so much fun stuff.
5. Wait, why won't the baby sleep?
The baby slept for the past 24 hours straight. The baby falls asleep within 10 seconds of getting on a nipple and won't wake up no matter how many times you poke it. But somehow it magically wakes up the second you put it in its crib. WTF is going on here? Did you miss a chapter in What to Expect?
6. The baby has to sleep eventually, right?
Statistically speaking, the baby does have to sleep eventually. Clearly there is a system to this. Maybe googling it would help.
7. Every weird mom thing your mom used to say.
"If you do not go to sleep I am going to sell you to the gypsies. Oh shit, that's really racist! I can't believe my mom used to say that. If you do not go to sleep I am going to sell you on the Internet."
8. I'm sorry! I am the worst mother ever.
I'm sorry I said I'd sell you on the Internet! The Internet is the worst thing in the world and everyone on it wants to hurt you. Never go on the Internet, baby!
9. Is my milk ever going to come in?
It's supposed to be in on the third day, right? The baby is starting to want to eat for real now. What if it's not getting enough food? How do I know if I'm starving the baby? Wait, what if it's allergic to peanuts or gluten? Please don't make us go gluten-free, baby.
10. How am I not disgusted by all this poop?
Hormones are a hell of a drug.
11. Is it too early for wine?
If the milk doesn't come in, there's no reason to not have a bottle of wine right now, right?
12. When do I have to baby proof the house?
That's a thing people do, right? Nobody told me to do it. When does it have to be done?