Well, 2018 is wrapping to a close, and what a year it's been! What a terrible, no good, very bad year. This year seemed to be 12934 years long. Do you remember that we had an actual Olympics this year?! Because we didn't. It's impossible to remember even the best highlights, because there were so very many low lights. A lot of suffering, and a lot of pain. So much embarrassment on the world stage. Terrible policies that hurt untold numbers of people. After 2016 and 2017, we all had such high hopes! Alas, the universe wasn't quite done with us yet. However, if there's one bright spot in this shitty year, it might be the insanely ugly "fashion" that made the rounds. These weird fashion trends made us laugh, they made us recoil in horror, and they made us grateful for our Target jeans and sandals.
Now, we know that fashion is fairly subjective. One man's trash is another man's treasure, right? But even if you're into weird fashion, some of the trends that we saw in 2018 were ... eyebrow-raising. Clear plastic boots? Ugly sneakers? UGG sandals? We're going to take a hard pass on all of that. Some of the weird fashion trends seem to be strictly for the crowd with lots of money to burn, but still. Money can't buy you happiness, but at the very least it should be able to buy you some taste and fashion sense. If you had unlimited funds, would you rock any of these weird fashion trends from 2018?
What the actual hell are these? These are like two different clothing items Frankenstein'd into one pair of pants. But can these even be considered pants? Shouldn't pants cover your whole damn leg? And how uncomfortable would it be to sit with those chains digging into your thighs? The deconstructed denim trend is not something we are digging. But apparently, we are alone in our distaste of the look. These Asos Ragged Priest Black Label Chaps sold out, so plenty of people are walking around in chaps with their asses hanging out. Probably going to catch a cold in these.
Because when your actual jeans don't cover your whole damn leg, you make up for it by wearing ... thigh-high denim boots! Denim boots were everywhere this year, from slouchy to sexy. Sexy might be an overstatement. Again, the functionality of this particular weird fashion trend seems to be lacking. How comfortable could thigh-high denim boots actually be? And what do you wear them with? Denim, for a full Canadian tuxedo? A little black dress, to make it country? So many questions about these, and very few answers. This seems like one of those trends that are strictly for the celeb/runway set, but unfortunately this one made it mainstream.
If thigh-high denim boots didn't do it for you, maybe these clear PVC boots are more your style! We kid, we kid. No one, not even Kim Kardashian herself, looks good in thigh-high clear plastic boots. NO. ONE. These are not boots for fashion - these are fancier waders for fishing and hunting. And good god, the thigh sweat. Can you just imagine?! Seat just dripping down your thighs, making the boots all steamy and foggy, pooling in the bottom of the shoes. Nothing says sexy like sweaty, condensation-filled clear PVC boots. Just slip-sliding along all day, sloshing around town.
Designers really need to come up with their own weird fashion trends and leave our jeans alone. The name of this pair of hideous jeans is Clear Knee Mom Jeans. We tale so much offense to this, it's not even funny. First of all, mom jeans are just jeans. ANY JEANS A MOM WEARS. And no, we don't want entire sections taken out and replaced with clear plastic. Why would we want that? WHO WANTS THAT? Just your bare knees pressing against a sheet of clear plastic all day. Again, the sweat game here would be out of control. But alas, it seems as though we are once again not on trend. Because these stupid things also sold out.
Siiiiiiiigh. Just ... what are we supposed to do with these? You cannot make a pair of jeans with the entire ass unzipped and expect them to be something anyone in their right mind would wear. There is no reason for this, and it is an affront to jeans and butts and basically all of humanity. If we saw a person walking down the street in jeans like this, we'd assume their pants split and they didn't realize it and we'd offer them our coat. These jeans are absolutely insane and whoever came up with them should find a new job immediately. Preferably one that does not require them to design clothing of any kind.
These are called the Extreme Cut Out Pant. Which is a little on the nose, if we're being honest. But we don't even think you can officially call these pants. They are not pants. The word pants conjures an image of the leg being covered. No part of the leg is covered here! This is a denim harness, masquerading as pants. This is someone who went skydiving at some hipster music festival and decided to wear the protective harness around the grounds. These pants indicate some sort of machinery accident and the wearer was lucky enough to escape with their life. Nothing about these says PANTS.
Now, we admit that Birkenstock sandals aren't exactly fashionable on their own. They're definitely comfortable, and we will wear ours until someone pulls them from our cold, dead feet. But weird fashion trends are about more than just comfort, right? Actually none of them so far have been about comfort, but we digress. For just $420, you can own your very own pair of ... fur-covered Birkenstocks. Because what could possibly feel better than COW FUR tickling your feet and toes on a hot summer day? That sounds just lovely, doesn't it? A nice sandal covered in fur, because obviously if it's warm enough to wear sandals, it's warm enough to wear fur.
Oh man, don't those just look so super cozy? Now, UGG boots are very much like Birkenstocks. Ugly as sin, but comfortable as hell. And maybe UGG saw a hole in the warm sandal market and decided to swoop in! We do not understand the concept of warm sandals. You wear sandals when it is hot outside. So common sense should dictate that you don't need anything covered in fur on those hot days, right? Wrong. The weird fashion trends this year did not give a single solitary shit about seasons or common sense or even common decency. Slip your sweaty feet into a pair of UGG sandals and hit the beach, we're sure it'll be fine.
Image: Barneys New York
People have too much damn money and not enough sense. This puffer coat dress is a real thing. A thing you can buy for actual money. Even better? It costs A LOT of money. The Montcler Down-Quilted Long Puffer Dress costs a whopping $2700 American dollars. Just ... let that sink in. But this was totally on-trend this year! We guess! For very rich and very cold people. If you have a problem staying warm and also have a desire to look like a shiny plastic bell, this is one of those weird fashion trends you need to jump on. Speaking of jump, you could wear this at Halloween and go as a human bouncy house.
Those are some of the ugliest sneakers we have ever seen in our life, and we used to wear LA Gear back in the day. What even ARE those? Why are they so big? How do you walk in such enormous, clunky sneakers? There are like three different rubber soles on these, each bigger and wider than the last. Balenciaga is drunk as hell selling these orthopedic shoes for $900. Imagine paying $900 so people could point and laugh at your shoes as you dragged your feet trying to get anywhere. Just take $900 and burn it, or use it to buy literally 10 pairs of regular, not ugly shoes. You'll be better off, we promise.
We are firmly Team Crocs Are For Kids. We don't caaaaaaaaare how comfortable they are. Don't care that they're easy to get on and off or clean. We don't. But we don't judge you for wearing them, because we all have our things, right? HOWEVER. We would judge the hell out of anyone who bought into this hideous fashion trend. These platform Crocs by Balenciaga seemed like a joke, until they sold out. And considering they retailed for $850, that's just proof that the joke backfired on all of us in a very major way. Seriously, we cannot imagine an uglier shoe, and we are all worse off for these having been a thing.
Image: Christopher Kane
Of all the weird fashion trends in 2018, orthopedic shoes as fashion seems to be the weirdest. Like, we totally understand the need for orthopedic shoes. We get it. Some people have foot problems and need extra support or special shoes for their problems. Totally fine! But they are not a fashion statement, no matter how many of your grandma's vintage costume jewelry broaches you clip on them. Christopher Kane apparently say a need to jazz up the orthopedic shoe, and the result is ... that. Just your luck, they're currently on sale for $579! Your corns and bunions have never looked so weird.
Why though? Just why. There's a big difference between wearing one of your husband's or boyfriend's shirts, and wearing one that looks like your husband or boyfriend is Andre the Giant. Oversized has to be done well, and the trend of oversized boyfriend button-downs was, by and large, not done well at all. You really shouldn't look like you're swimming in your shirt, or like you were once a normal-sized human who was shrunk and your clothes stayed the same size. It's basically a dress with strategically-placed slits that make it borderline inappropriate to wear to almost any function.
Let's side aside for the moment that bike-shorts-as-fashion would only look good on approximately 20% of the world's population. And "good" is relative. Because even super models look like idiots walking around in bike shorts and crop tops. But for a while, all Kim Kardashian wore was some form of bike short, so lo and behold, it was suddenly high on the list of weird fashion trends. Paired with your favorite ugly sneaker, this could be a look! Or maybe you're supposed to wear them under the harness jeans for added protection? You know none of these people are actually riding a bike anywhere.
Image: Sandy Liang
We love us some fleece. Pullovers, hoodies, jackets, pants - give us all the fleece as soon as it drops below 70 outside. But fleece as fashion? Um. Or better yet, fleece made for grown-ups that costs $395 but makes you look like a weird little girl teddy bear? Sure, why not! 2018 was apparently the year that fleece made a "comeback", although we're not entirely sure where it went. But if it's going to come back in cropped, oversized fleece tops, then it can just stay gone. We'll stick with our ratty college hoodie that we've worn for 15 years. Vintage is in, right?
Listen, we ABSOLUTELY understand the artistic vision and talent that goes into some of the nail art we've seen. We do! That is a skill not very many people possess, and the nail art thing has gotten incredibly popular in the mainstream over the last few years. But ... can we not? With things like teeth nails and feet nails and boob nails? Or hair nails or cheese grater nails or PIMPLE-POPPING NAILS? Why is this necessary at all? Even if it is just for the 'gram, we don't need to see this, nor do we want to see this. But even regular nail art has gotten a bit out of control this year. If your nails are too sharp to be able to pick your nose, or too long to feed yourself, it might be time to take a step back.