The other day I got the SADDEST COMMENT EVER™ from one of our lovely readers who said she was pregnant and hot and tired and hungry and she asked that I make her snacks. To me there is NOTHING sadder than a pregnant, hot, tired hungry lady. What the hell is wrong in this world if some of you ladies are pregnant and hot and tired and hungry? This should not happen. It made me start thinking about all the pregnant ladies who need things RIGHT NOW and no one is giving these things to these ladies and what is wrong with you people? Being pregnant is hard! Especially being pregnant in the summer months! The heat makes you extra cranky and extra tired, it's too hot to cook, you are GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN WITH FINGERNAILS inside of you and even though pregnancy is natural and beautiful and tra la la let's all run through fields of wildflowers and marvel at the wonder of life growing inside of your belly NO fuck that, it's too hot to frolic. But come on and get the pregnant ladies what they need. I know pregnancy is not a handicap but on occasion it can feel like you have been pregnant FOREVER and compound this with other pregnancy related issues like water retention and swollen feet and all the aches and pains that come with GROWING ANOTHER HUMAN INSIDE OF YOU WITH EYEBALLS and it's easy to understand why we need to give these women a break.
A Pregnant Woman Needs A Delicious Beverage
I don't care if you get her a glass of water or a damn 7-11 Slurpee but I can promise you this pregnant lady is THIRSTY and you need to offer her a refreshing beverage. Even better, make her a salted caramel milkshake.
And you can find a recipe here.
A Pregnant Woman Needs A Relaxing Bath
Yes, I know, not all of us have gorgeous bathrooms like the one shown above. A lot of us have BATHTUB GUYS and ugly bathrooms (Mine is like a horror movie. It has a super narrow tub and carpeting) but clean up the bathroom, get thee to a discount store and buy that pregnant lady a bath sheet (It should be a sheet, because that pregnant lady is HUGE and she doesn't need your stupid standard sized bath towel), some scented candles and some nice bath soaps and gels. Pregnant women can soak in a moderately temperature-d bath, and it will make her feel better so run her a damn bath already.
A Pregnant Woman Needs To Be In A Dark Room With Air Conditioning Binge Watching Orange Is The New Black
if you guys aren't letting pregnant ladies watch Orange Is The New Black, the new Netflix series about a lovely Wasp-y blond lady who reads DWELL magazine and makes artisanal soaps until she turns herself in for a crime she committed ten years ago, then that is terribly unkind to do to pregnant ladies. I LOVE this show. I have a handful of episodes left and it's the perfect show to binge watch because you cannot wait to see what happens next. Plus, it takes place in a prison with a whole mess of fascinating characters and some of them are pregnant.
A Pregnant Woman Needs Something Amazing To Eat
And I do not care what if it that this pregnant lady wants to eat so shut your stupid pregnancy weight-gain shamey pie hole. Yeah, get her pie. Or a beautiful piece of steak. Or vegetarian curry. Or freakin' Taco Bell. It doesn't matter, all that matters is that on occasion she eats whatever she wants, she doesn't have to get it for herself, and she sure as hell doesn't have to clean up after eating it.
A Pregnant Woman Needs You To Give A Damn About The New Land Of Nod Catalogue
(Image: The Land of Nod)
Or whatever new baby catalogue has arrived in the mail that day. You sit your ass down and you listen to the pregnant lady talk about how she wants her nursery to look and you engage in 20 minute discussions with her about what kind of crib bumper she wants to buy and when she tells you she wants to make one of those baby buntings out of craft paper you get your ass over to the hobby store and you buy her the supplies to do it. Yeah, talking about this stuff when you aren't pregnant can be sort of boring but I don't care, shut up and do it anyway.
A Pregnant Woman Needs A Book To Remind Her Of Not Being A Pregnant Woman
And an air conditioned room to read it in. There are so many amazing books out right now and yesterday I binge read Tampa by Alissa Nutting after reading about it in Jezebel. This book is NOT for everyone, for one, it is super DIRTY and the lead character is a horrible, awful amazingly sociopathic woman who, yeah, preys on young boys. I was so pearl-clutchy reading the book and then I realized that if the lead character were a man I wouldn't have been so UPSET by it. I loved it, and I hated it, and it's totally a book you will think about afterwards, but it's so entertaining and page-turnery and you will be dying to know what happens. It's super controversial and the pregnant lady you know has been reading enough baby books so she should read something that has nothing to do with the best way to burp a baby. If reading about female sexual predators ain't her thing, Koa Beck and I are both reading The Engagements right now. There are plenty of amazing summer reads out , and your pregnant woman friend needs to read one, and if she falls asleep while reading it, good for her.
A Pregnant Woman Needs Someone To Fold Her Laundry For Her
Or walk her dog for her. Or pick up a prescription. Or take her other kids to a matinee. Or clean behind her oven. There are plenty of things you can do for a pregnant woman just out of consideration. When you call her to see if you can stop by ask her if she needs you to grab her dry cleaning. Start wiping down her counters when you are at her house. If you live with her, get those dry towels out and fold them and put them away. As I said above, being pregnant isn't a handicap but we can all use help on occasion, especially a woman who is lugging around an extra ten to 30 pounds of baby weight and would it kill you to offer to grab her mail on the way in the door? Nope.
A Pregnant Woman Needs To Be Alone
Leave her alone for a few hours every week. I don't care if she uses that time to nap, to take a yoga class, to look at porn, to pluck her eyebrows, or to go to a shooting range. Give her time alone because soon her life will be consumed by another needy little human who needs things constantly from her and her own needs will be neglected while caring for the needs of another. This also includes not touching her belly without asking and invading her personal physical space. Leave her alone on occasion.
A Pregnant Woman Needs Fabulous Prizes That Are Not Bottle Nipples
Get her a candy necklace. Or some flowers you picked. Or some yummy body butter. Or a gift certificate for a babymoon spa weekend. Or a can of Pringles. I don't care what it costs or where you get it, but if you know a pregnant woman on occasion buy her stupid or fabulous junk that has NOTHING to do with the miracle of life (with eyeballs!) growing inside of her. Leave it on her pillow, or next to her plate of pancakes or give it to her when she meets you at Starbucks. Getting prizes for no reason is one of the most fun things ever and it just shows the pregnant woman you are thinking of her. I don't care if it is lip gloss or lottery tickets or a brand spankin' new can of mace, get her junk for no reason. People will be giving her all sorts of baby stuff but what about herrrrrrr?
A Pregnant Woman Needs You To Offer Your Seat To Her
This goes without saying but any time you are on public transportation and you see a visibly pregnant woman (or an elderly person, or a woman with a child) you get your ass up and offer them your seat. What the hell is wrong with you? This should just be a given, all over. Yes, she may decline, she may not feel the need to sit down, but have some damn manners and offer anyway, sheesh.
And now that this list is done I totally realize this is not just for pregnant woman, and all of us could probably use one of these things. What are you waiting for? Make me some damn spring rolls!