War On Christmas Week: 2014’s Weirdest Stolen Baby Jesus Stories

We’re celebrating War on Christmas Week at Mommyish! See our previous posts here.

This week on Mommyish we’re digging into the War On Christmas, which has almost become a holiday of its own. Every winter there’s a slew of created controversy about how the right and wrong ways we celebrate Christmas, and how people are attacking and destroying it. A lot of times the stories are silly, meant to get people worked up over nothing. (Really, people are made over a holiday sweater that celebrates all religions? Cool, cool. Seems like a totally reasonable thing to freak out about.)

But there does seem to be a very real issue that repeats itself every year: The stealing of Baby Jesuses across out fair land. It’s gotten so bad that a security firm is giving churches and non-profit organizations GPS trackers to monitor their Baby Jesuses. Here are some of 2014’s weirdest Baby Jesus-jacking stories.

1. A happy ending! 

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Let’s start on a positive note, with this story out of an actual Canadian town called Moose Jaw. Thieves stole a baby jesus from a family’s nativity scene three years ago, and then returned it with an apology and a Tim Horton’s gift card. Nothing says “we’re sorry about Jesus-stealing” than good ol’ Canadian coffee! They wrote:

”So not really sure how to explain this to you ”¦ Three years ago we were severely intoxicated (17 and 19 years old). We thought it would be absolutely hilarious to steal your baby Jesus and lamb from your nativity scene. Now 20 and 21 years old, we thought we’d return it after stumbling upon it in the garage…we pray you’re not terribly upset with us. We just wanted to return (the items) to the rightful owner.”

2. Baby (Jesus) Got Back

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In Cedarville, Ohio, thieves stole a baby Jesus from a church’s nativity scene. He was returned a week later, earning this Jesus-y shout out.

3. Blame bad self esteem

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Edina, Missouri’s local police officer blamed poor self-esteem for her town’s missing Jesus, swiped from in front of a bank. LaVerne Pulse said of the robbers, “Doesn’t respect the meaning of Christmas, and that individual or individuals probably have little self esteem themselves or they wouldn’t have done this.”

The police chief is going through video footage to see if she can pinpoint the culprit, who is probably writing in their journal about how much they hate themselves right now.

4. A bunch of old ladies fight baby Jesus crime 

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This is the greatest story of all time, so grab some popcorn. In the adorable-according-to-Google-Images town of Eureka Springs, Arkansas, a bunch of senior sorority sisters (this is a thing?) keep their life size baby Jesus on literal lock down. It all started in 2005, when a 70-year-old town resident named Virginia Voiers stole the baby Jesus on a birthday dare. Let that sink it for a bit.

After he was hijacked a few more times, they hooked the little dude up to an alarm and – voila! – problem solved. Old lady crime solvers FTW!

5. Double trouble in Queens

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Two baby Jesuses were stolen from homes in Far Rockaway, Queens in the same night. One was returned the next day, but it’s owner, Leonor Falcone, was still annoyed, because her first baby Jesus was stolen 8 years prior.

“We want out Jesus back,” said Elaine Romito. She also blamed the attack on people either being mad that they put their Jesus out too early (ie: not on Christmas Day) or “it could be somebody that just doesn’t agree with keeping Christ in Christmas.”

Or maybe people are just a-holes?

6. Baby Jesus is heavy and expensive

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In Indiana, someone stole a 20 pound baby Jesus from a Masonic retirement home. It cost the community almost $500 (!!!) and was luckily returned five days later. It’s a good thing Mary didn’t have to push that giant baby out.

7. The one where they thieves don’t just steal Baby Jesus, they also paint all over Joseph and Mary

 

A baby Jesus was stolen from a nativity scene in Coral Gables, Florida. Even worse, the Jesus-snatchers then covered the remaining statues in blue and orange paint, because Scrooge has an artistic streak. The baby Jesus cost $2500, so maybe they were going to sell him on the Baby Jesus Black Market? Luckily, he was returned…for now.

8. Baby Jesus stealing is “bull”

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Randy Campbell of York, PA is suffering from deja vu, as his baby Jesus has been stolen two years in a row. The tale is harrowing.

He said he went outside to turn off his Christmas lights around 11 p.m. Tuesday and was struck by a concern for Jesus’ security.

“Do you think I oughta bring baby Jesus in?” he asked his wife, Veronica Davy.

They decided not to. Then, when he brought his dog outside around 8:30 a.m. Wednesday, Campbell found an empty manger ”” baby Jesus had been stolen for the second time in as many years, he said.

“I’m getting tired of it,” he said. “It’s bull.”

 

9. Leave the Jesus, take all the other decorations

 

And finally, this story out of Tennessee, where thieves left the Jesus in Peggy Shipley‘s yard but took…everything else. Peggy is upset, but has not lost sight on what Christmas is about: “It’s about the baby Jesus,” she said. “So we will go on and it will be okay.”

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