6 Damn Good Reasons I Will Totally Eat Your Placenta
Very few people understand my fascination with wanting to eat someone’s placenta. It should be noted that back when I was birthing babies, I could barely look at my own placenta and if you one day told me that I would be begging random women to let me eat their placenta I would have said “You are insane.”
And I would have meant it.
But now I am older (43) and a lot less squeamish and I find the entire idea pretty hilarious PLUS I am pretty sure if I actually eat a stranger’s placenta I can lord it over my Mommyish co-workers forever and be all “You all have zero game, because I ate someone’s placenta” for all eternity. I’d be a hero. Plus, I have totally done my research and placenta is supposed to be good for you. And these reasons:
I Would Be Known As The Chick Who Ate Someone’s Placenta
One day you are some mild-mannered housefrau writing for a parenting website, the next you are sitting down with Anthony Bourdain to discuss eating placenta. I just know it.
I’m Pretty Sure It Will Make Me Super Hot
People and EXPERTS claim eating placenta does amazing things for your hair and skin. I’ve pretty much convinced myself that the moment I consume some of this after-birthy goodness I will be transformed from the witchy grey-streaked hair hag I am into a supermodel or something.
I Would Never Be Without A Witty Dinner Party Anecdote
Oh, you are a member of the Junior League? I once ate a stranger’s placenta.
I’m Not Getting Any Younger And My List Of Weird Shit I Will Do Is Getting Smaller
I wanna create some memories. I have no interest in sky-diving. I don’t take drugs. I have zero interest in doing other whacky things. But I could totally eat placenta.
I Could Probably Milk It For Maybe Three Articles
Coming up with many articles a day is a lot of work. Eating someone’s placenta would give me a whole mess of new material.
I Can Stop Bugging Random Women To Give Me Their Placenta
If you are pregnant and you have talked to me for longer than a minute, chances are I have asked you for your placenta. It’s getting annoying. If I hurry up and eat one I will probably be so grossed out forever I will never ask another pregnant woman again.
So, you know, if you have any placenta hanging around or any placenta pills or placenta smoothies you need to get rid of, hit me up. I’m your placenta girl.