This Motherhood Utility Vest Will Ensure That You Never Get Taken Seriously Or Have Sex Again
Does your baby like toys? Does your baby like you? Do you like not having sex and shredding the last fragile fibers of whatever dignity remains after pooping a baby out?
Well, I’ll start taking your thank you notes now, broads, because have I found the Kickstarter for you!
It’s called the Very Vest, and it’s probably a conspiracy by fanny pack and mom jeans manufacturers to make their products look absolutely chic in comparison:
You’re probably speechless, I know, awed by the wonder garment that is “Very Vest” and I don’t blame you, so I’ll answer the question you would be asking right now if the beauty of this bad boy didn’t leave you with tears in your eyes and a loss for words: what the hell is this thing?
“A vest with educational toys for babies that mothers and caregivers can wear anywhere without the toys falling to a dirty floor.”
This solves the problems we’ve always had. For every mother that’s ever wondered; “how can I introduce an item of clothing into my wardrobe that’s even more heinous than these pleat-front jeans?”, the Very Vest is there. For every daycare teacher who has asked themselves, “Yeah, this job makes me want to drink a lot, but how can I be assured that I’ve achieved the maximum level of self-loathing?”, the Very Vest is there. For every nanny who doesn’t have the wherewithal to just velcro a bunch of shit to their t-shirt the Very Vest is there.
The Very Vest isn’t just a way to ensure that your child will have a sensory overload freakout the moment you pick them up, no. It does so much more than that. For one thing, it will keep your torso nice and warm but your arms cool as a cucumber. For another, it’s an excellent cockblocker.
The vest was born when it’s creator noticed that babies like putting shit in their mouths:
“[The babies] would reach for and pull at my necklace, earrings, watch and even my hoodie strings. That’s when I decided that I needed an interactive play center for my babies.
So I started looking for interactive play centers to purchase for my daycare. However, the only play centers on the market were the discovery mats where the baby is put down on a mat on the floor with rattles and a music box that dangled overhead. The babies really didn’t play with those toys and they weren’t interactive.”
Even though your child will probably eat dryer lint and dog food off of the floor, you can now rest assured that at least their toys won’t be coated in floor spice. In fact, “It is also the perfect ‘one thing’ to take shopping, to the doctor’s office, to the airport or anywhere else you wouldn’t want your baby or your baby’s toys on the floor.”
And if you decide to mix things up a bit and you do want your kid’s toys on the floor, just lay down and let the slobbery teething rings drape themselves all over your hair and let them double as a baby spit Swiffer for all of the cat hair in your apartment.
The bad news here is that you’re running out of time to contribute to the $10,000 needed to manufacture more vests with shit clipped to them, so what are you even waiting for? Even the other Mommyish writers couldn’t keep themselves from raving about the Very Vest:
Maria Guido says, “omg what the hell IS THAT”.
Megan Zander raves, “It’s a one-way ticket to no sex town!”
Liz Licata can’t get enough of the Very Vest, saying, “That thing is actually worse than just leaving the house in a Slanket.”
What are you waiting for ladies? Throw your hair up into a scrunchie, slide into your tassel shoes, and go fund this magnificent creation!