mom fun

If You Have A Vagina Then ‘Vaginal Knitting’ Is A Hot New Trend You Can Get Behind

By  | 

Are you looking for a way to shut down conversations about your biological clock this holiday season? Are you looking for a way to show down conversations about when you will have another baby? Are you looking for a way to shut down almost ANY conversation? Than Vaginal Knitting is for you!

You can be just like this cat, except replace doing cross stitch with shoving a skein of yarn in your baby maker and knitting away! From our pal Megan Zander who told me about this CRAFTIVIST (and seriously, aren’t we all CRAFTIVISTS? the next time I bust out my glue gun and some glitter I’m going to tell everyone that) in Melbourne who for a LONG 28 days (Just like your menstrual cycle) cast off from her womb to sort of demystify the all mighty vulva. Don’t believe me? You bitch! Watch this video as proof.

[youtube_iframe id=”q6RZZf6HMzo”]

I don’t know how to knit, but I have always wanted to learn, and now I really want to learn because I think this little skill would come in so handy at uncomfortable holiday gatherings. It’s not like anyone is going to expect you to cook anything or clean up after if you are busy doing needle work with supplies you get from your hoo-hah. Plus, think about all the amazing arguments you could have with your nana when she yells at you YOUR VULVA IS NOT A SEWING BASKET. 

Actually, maybe it is. I have never used my lady garden for storing stuff, other than tampons and the occasional dick, and maybe we are all missing out on extra storage space by not using our vaginas more and you know how women feel about extra storage space AMIRITE? Bitches love closets and purses and The Container Store.

To get back to the artistic elements of this project, the craftivist Casey Jenkins wrote a piece for The Guardian the other day defending her work:

As the deafening response to my work demonstrates, there is a hell of a lot of clamouring noise in society about what a person with a body like mine should and shouldn’t be doing with it. The pitch and volume of opinions can be so overwhelming that it’s difficult to quiet the noise, step back and choose a clear and autonomous path. With Casting Off My Womb I have attempted to do just that by paring concepts about body parts and activities related to women back to their most elemental. Over the course of the month I sat with the steady rhythm of the knitting needles and of my body and created a work that I have complete confidence in, a confidence that thousands of internet opinions have not dinted.

 

Which I think she did in part because people were mean about the project on You Tube. Listen, I’m an art fan. I enjoy the art. I also enjoy women and see nothing freaky or weird about our bodies but I’m just not sure I can get behind the artistic “merits” of this project because it seems sort of shocking for shocking’s sake, which is why I now want to do this at every holiday gathering I am invited to.

*Important update! Our Julia has even more ideas of things you can store in your lady biz!

(Image: you Tube)

37 Comments

  1. Hana Graham

    December 18, 2013 at 9:13 am

    “Actually, maybe it is. I have never used my lady garden for storing stuff, other than tampons and the occasional dick, and maybe we are all missing out on extra storage space by not using our vaginas more and you know how women feel about extra storage space AMIRITE? Bitches love closets and purses and The Container Store.”

    Best paragraph I have read all week.

  2. Kay_Sue

    December 18, 2013 at 9:18 am

    I have, apparently, been seriously under-utilizing my anatomy. I now find myself wondering what other great craft ideas I could fit up there. Cake decorating supplies, perhaps? Scrapbooking paper? A few rubber stamps?

    Hell, I might be able to turn it into a veritable mobile Craft 2000/Michaels/Hobby Lobby…

    • Eve Vawter

      December 18, 2013 at 9:18 am

      YOUR VAGINA IS THE NEW LADY/GAY/JEWISH FRIENDLY HOBBY LOBBY

    • Kay_Sue

      December 18, 2013 at 9:20 am

      Very friendly. *wink wink*

    • Eve Vawter

      December 18, 2013 at 9:22 am

      Oh man, I dread the next time I need to go to Michael’s because I will so be calling it Kay Sue’s vag and no one will know what I am talking about

    • Kay_Sue

      December 18, 2013 at 11:04 am

      I am gonna need you to video those reactions and YouTube them.

    • Maxx

      December 18, 2013 at 9:28 am

      Hello again Eve…long time no see.

    • FaintlyXMacabre

      December 18, 2013 at 10:42 am

      This reminds me of Jon Stewart’s fake Martha Stewart script where she tells you how to refurbish an unsightly vagina. The key is glitter.

    • Toastlette

      December 18, 2013 at 3:11 pm

      Who needs kegels when you can pipe buttercream rosettes!

  3. TngldBlue

    December 18, 2013 at 9:21 am

    I’m totally freeing myself from my purse. I might have to get a smaller wallet though.

  4. Natasha B

    December 18, 2013 at 9:35 am

    I mean, why not?

  5. Tea

    December 18, 2013 at 9:39 am

    Shocking for shock’s sake is kind of what art does, and while I can get behind this way more than I can Damien Hirst’s… anything, I’m still not really a fan. It sounds like pinterest meets biohazard.

    It also sounds really itchy. Wool is itchy anywhere, wool in something sensitive and damp sounds like it’s asking for a lovecraftianly maddening itch.

    • Eve Vawter

      December 18, 2013 at 9:41 am

      Pinterest meets Biohazard is my new speed metal band name ty

    • Maxx

      December 18, 2013 at 9:47 am

      I was thinking Vaginzard

    • FaintlyXMacabre

      December 18, 2013 at 10:43 am

      Have I finally met someone who shares my absolute hatred of Damien Hirst?

    • Tea

      December 18, 2013 at 11:47 am

      Can’t stand him. I have an art and art history background, and I get twitchy when he’s compared to Duchamp, when his work just hits me as juvenile and has as much artistic merit as a slasher flick, and for the same reasons.

      He also sounds like a complete dickboat in interviews and artist statements.

    • Sri

      December 18, 2013 at 5:42 pm

      I’m a pretty enthusiastic knitter. I really like making stuff for family and friends. The only problem is that I’m allergic to wool (like actually break out in a rash for days from a hug allergic) and that’s what everyone wants me to use for their stuff. No problem, I just wear a pair of lab gloves while I knit.

      So, does that mean that I would have to put the yarn in a condom to vaginal knit? That seems like the obvious parallel. Then again, I don’t think anyone really wants something knitted from my snatch, so I can just use whatever yarn looks cool at the store without worrying about what it’s made out of.

  6. Maxx

    December 18, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Eve!Eve!Eve!Eve!Eve!Eve! Ok, that is all.

  7. Mikala Romans

    December 18, 2013 at 9:57 am

    Wow – my vag is totally under utilized. I don’t even use it to store the occasional dick. I am so bringing vag knitting into conversation somehow!
    Lady Garden – bahahaha… love it 🙂

    • Maxx

      December 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

      Dick for rent here!

    • Maxx

      December 18, 2013 at 10:01 am

      Muahahah

    • Mikala Romans

      December 18, 2013 at 10:29 am

      Awww… aren’t you the sweetest taking one for Team Man. I think I should get a discount tho. It is Christmas!!

  8. Tinyfaeri

    December 18, 2013 at 10:11 am

    I hope it’s washable. And so many logistics… like, wouldn’t it be uncomfortable? I personally don’t like putting dry fabric up my vagina. Does knitting with less-than-dry wool affect the loose-ness of the weave? But only in parts because most of it would be shielded from natural vaginal lubrication by the rest of the skein. I mean, I guess you could blow it dry, but then it would be kind of gunky. I’m thinking about this way too much, aren’t I?

  9. Williwaw

    December 18, 2013 at 10:24 am

    I think sticking an entire skein of Alpaca Chunky up there would be quite uncomfortable. Not to mention the hazard when my cats see that yarn and want to get in on the knitting action.

    • Bethany Ramos

      December 18, 2013 at 11:47 am

      I may be making a broad leap here, but…. cats love yarn…cats…pussies…now it vaginal knitting makes sense!

  10. waffre

    December 18, 2013 at 12:07 pm

    No, this isn’t just gross because of fear of the female body, this is gross because of death by toxic shock syndrome. Putting unsterile things in your vagina is actually a pretty bad idea. I’m assuming she didn’t stick the yarn in an autoclave before she started knitting.

  11. Polyamorous Mom

    December 18, 2013 at 2:52 pm

    I knit. I will not be storing yarn in my hooha. especially since a lot of my creations go on the head of my sweet nephew. ick.

  12. pineapplegrasss

    December 18, 2013 at 2:53 pm

    but..why? funny, but ewww, I am now fearful of any knitted scarf

  13. TheGiantPeach

    December 18, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    Menstrual blood makes a pretty nice tie-dye if you think about it.

    • AP

      December 18, 2013 at 6:46 pm

      When I was on HS swim team, Speedo was selling ombre tye-dyed swimsuits, where the dye started in the crotch and bled upwards towards the white shoulder straps. The red one was ghastly.

  14. Megan Zander

    December 18, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    I have two comments.1- the threat of TSS would scare the bejesus out of me. 2- I’ll never look at ombré fabric the same way again.

  15. AP

    December 18, 2013 at 6:48 pm

    I’ve always been jealous that kangaroos practical and useful reproductive system going on, what with the built-in-fanny-pack deal, while humans got none of those benefits and had to carry purses. Yet I’ve never been tempted to stick household items in my vag for storage.

  16. sasareta

    December 18, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    I have to be honest: This sh!t is stupid.

  17. Pessimistic Optimist

    December 18, 2013 at 8:31 pm

    I’d be impressed if she could do it hands – free …

  18. whiteroses

    December 19, 2013 at 9:03 am

    As a knitter, the only thing that was going through my head when I read this was, “OH, HELL NO.”
    I honestly think that the only people who would think this is a good idea are people who have never knit with undyed, natural wool. You know, the kind that still has bits of grass in it?

  19. NicknamesAreDull

    December 19, 2013 at 9:11 pm

    My vagina owes me a thank you card for not pulling this kind of shit.

  20. Melanie Black

    September 23, 2014 at 7:11 pm

    Please do not knit me a sweater, or anything else for that matter.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *