Pop Culture

8 Vagina Crafts That Will Make You Close Your Legs Forever

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Have you ever wondered if the internet sold merchandise in the shape of a vagina? Well, I am here to tell you that the answer is YES. So much yes. A downright disturbing amount of YES. And I may be permanantly damaged emotionally from some of the ungodly things I found in my hunt to find these treasures but I do it all for you. You are welcome. Without further ado, I present eight vagina items you can purchase on the internet.

1. The Pussy Purse

Quite possibly the most secure purse you will ever own. Because no one else will ever want to touch it! The crinoline pubes are such a special touch, don’t you think?

The perfect tampon holder! Etsy.com

Etsy.com

2. Vulva Cupcakes

For those special occasions where nothing but the most terrifying baked goods will do, behold: vulva cupcakes. Complete with chocolate sprinkle bush!

Myrdal.tumbler.com

Myrdal.tumbler.com

3. Vagina Necklace

Sure, you could wear your heart on your sleeve but where’s your sense of adventure? Wear your vagina around your neck instead! Bonus: it comes in a variety of skin shades.

Marianagl.com

Marianagl.com

4. Vag-shaped soap

If you’ve ever spent a shower pondering why your Dial soap was not in the image of a vulva have I got news for you! And it’s purple and sparkly to boot!

Mashable.com

Mashable.com

5. Crochet vagina

This is not your granny’s crochet. I’m not even sure what you do with it other than be secure in the knowledge that you are probably the only person in your social circle to own a hand-knit vag. So exclusive!

Pinterest.com

Pinterest.com

6. Vagina chocolate pops

 

Yet another product that considers the many colors of vagina. So every woman can have a confectionary representation of her lady garden. On a stick!

Etsy.com

Etsy.com

7. Vadge Badge

In case it was not apparent to everyone around you that you are a vagina-possessing bonafide WOMAN, there is now the Vadge Badge! Wear it with pride-you’ve earned it, ladies!

Etsy.com

Etsy.com

8. Vagina mask

I’ve saved the most disturbing for last. Finally, a very blatant way for a man to show his admiration for the vagina.

Thestatusfaction.wordpress.com

Thestatusfaction.wordpress.com

70 Comments

  1. Bethany Ramos

    May 22, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    This post is amazingly hilarious, Valerie!!! Also, the vag necklaces look like old peach pits.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      Puke!!!!

      And thank you. <3

  2. candyvines

    May 22, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    Vagina dentata cupcake, truly cruelty-filled.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:08 pm

      Such cruelty. I think it has teeth.

      Eta: I’m a moron.

    • candyvines

      May 22, 2014 at 1:11 pm

      The only way to cram more cruelty in that cupcake is to make it from breast milk.

    • pixie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      And baked placenta.

      Brb, gonna hurl.

    • candyvines

      May 22, 2014 at 1:52 pm

      I can tell I really, really need a cupcake because I would still consider eating this.

    • pixie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:57 pm

      I really want a cupcake. There’s one in my freezer, but I don’t think I like that flavour, so I’m sad. I’ll probably drown my sadness in a big mac after work.

    • Lee

      May 22, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      Ha, I thought it had worms.

    • candyvines

      May 22, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      Holy crap, that’s way worse.

  3. whiteroses

    May 22, 2014 at 1:06 pm

    What the actual fuck.

    People make this stuff- then other people buy it- with actual money- that could be used for buying a book or a DVD or pretty much anything other than this.

    What the actual fuck.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      Nobody buys books and DVDs anymore, a vagina mask seems much more practical.

    • whiteroses

      May 22, 2014 at 4:27 pm

      It’s a sad, sad state of affairs we’re in if that’s true.

    • Tinyfaeri

      May 22, 2014 at 2:27 pm

      You took the words out of my mouth.

  4. Julia Sonenshein

    May 22, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    VADGE BADGES FOR THE WHOLE MOMMYISH CREW.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:16 pm

      I want pink. Because, vagina.

    • jane

      May 22, 2014 at 1:27 pm

      I will be forced to leave not only this website, but the whole internet. Please don’t do that to me.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 1:44 pm

      I don’t remember that badge in Girl Scouts…

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:45 pm

      You can get it after your first period. Duh.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 1:46 pm

      That’s the REAL Red Badge of Courage, amirite ladies??

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:47 pm

      Or purple or green! It’s all up to you what personality you want your vagina to convey.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 1:48 pm

      Such diversity!

  5. CMJ

    May 22, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Listen, I ALREADY WEAR A VAGINA EVERY DAY. I don’t need another one around my neck.

  6. Maria Guido

    May 22, 2014 at 1:38 pm

    I think I want a vagina necklace.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:41 pm

      They are really kind of tasteful. And racially diverse!

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 22, 2014 at 1:43 pm

      lol ME TOO. I found another website that sells vulva portraits and custom pendants, but they aren’t as classy as the one in this post. Maybe I’ll just commission a giant abstract painting of my vagina to hang in my bedroom.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:44 pm

      Didn’t Charlotte do that on SATC? Or at least she sat for vag portraiture.

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 22, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Yes! She wouldn’t tell anyone which one was hers because she’s A Real Lady.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      #reallady

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 22, 2014 at 2:03 pm

      #unlikeme

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 2:12 pm

      #andme

    • Gangle

      May 23, 2014 at 6:23 am

      I would have a giant painting of my vagina on the wall, but only if it was like this one

    • Gangle

      May 23, 2014 at 6:27 am

      I would get a painting of mine, but only if it was one like this

      http://bunnycrush.tumblr.com/post/672112077/durers-pubic-hare-by-cash-brown-taking

    • Cruelty Cupcake

      May 23, 2014 at 3:00 pm

      I love this!!!

    • Spiderpigmom

      May 22, 2014 at 10:53 pm

      Hahaha, I thought I was the only one who actually kinda liked them. Makes me feel less weird.

  7. Cruelty Cupcake

    May 22, 2014 at 1:39 pm

    I’m gonna really put myself out there and say I don’t hate those vagina necklaces. I am aware that I’m a sick fuck.

  8. Spongeworthy

    May 22, 2014 at 1:42 pm

    Welp, it’s been nice having you in my head, eyeballs. Time to scratch you out so I can never see anything like this again.
    P.S. I would love to see your google search history after researching this stuff.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:43 pm

      Vulva earrings. Vagina puppets. Period purse. Brb going to clear cache.

    • Spongeworthy

      May 22, 2014 at 1:55 pm

      Please tell me you meant to write “mulva earrings” and that you were at the etsy shop of a very enthusiastic Seinfeld fan. Please.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 2:00 pm

      Hahahaha. Yes. All of that is true.

    • Allyson_et_al

      May 23, 2014 at 12:08 am

      “Delores!”

  9. Kendra

    May 22, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Valerie. Do you remember the day that you didn’t want to go into detail about stretchy baby poop because people might be eating lunch? I told you it was fine because I was eating lunch and it didn’t even bother me? This….this did not pass that test. I almost threw up all my food.

    • Valerie

      May 22, 2014 at 1:53 pm

      Yessss my work here is done.

    • JenH1986

      May 22, 2014 at 2:14 pm

      IT was the necklaces right? Because that’s what made my stomach flip. yuckity yuck yuck.

    • Kendra

      May 22, 2014 at 2:43 pm

      It was the necklaces.

    • JenH1986

      May 22, 2014 at 2:46 pm

      I have a pretty strong stomach and the necklaces got me. lol

    • Dixie

      May 22, 2014 at 3:10 pm

      I was thinking “it put rubs lotion on it’s skin or it gets the hose again” when I saw the necklaces!

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 22, 2014 at 8:20 pm

      ME TOO!!!!!!!

  10. SA

    May 22, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    I had to read the headline three times before clicking. My brain simply wouldn’t compute vagina crafts.

  11. Katherine Handcock

    May 22, 2014 at 2:58 pm

    WHAT ARE THOSE WHITE THINGS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CUPCAKES SUPPOSED TO BE?!?!

    I’m scared…

    • Jessifer

      May 22, 2014 at 3:01 pm

      It looks like the vagina has teeth!

    • SA

      May 22, 2014 at 3:58 pm

      “It’s so ANGRY”

    • Dixie

      May 22, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      Vagina dentata!

  12. Alene

    May 22, 2014 at 3:29 pm

    I absolutely love all the different clitoris materials. Rhinestone, maraschino cherry, pretty pearl… The possibilities are truly endless.

  13. kellyshaun

    May 22, 2014 at 3:54 pm

    You took the words out of my mouth.
    http://bit.ly/Chiness

  14. Rachel Sea

    May 22, 2014 at 3:55 pm

    These things often make me think that the artist needs to see a doctor. That or they don’t know what a vulva looks like.

  15. Zuri

    May 22, 2014 at 4:08 pm

    Lolll the vagina is such a beautiful thing!

  16. Elizabeth

    May 22, 2014 at 4:55 pm

    *Blank stare* I just cannot.

  17. Lackadaisical

    May 22, 2014 at 6:02 pm

    Those cupcakes … is that an icing depiction of the mythical “vagina dentata”? Those look like teeth.

    • Allyson_et_al

      May 23, 2014 at 12:06 am

      Yeah, that’s some serious body horror there.

  18. tSubh Dearg

    May 22, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    I have suggested all of these as activities for our newly formed craft tea ladies group. It’ll be crocheted vags all round.

  19. tk88

    May 22, 2014 at 7:07 pm

    Why on earth is there even a market for this stuff? I can only see these being appropriate as a gag gift for a gynecologist!

    • whiteroses

      May 22, 2014 at 7:18 pm

      And maybe not even then.

  20. scooby23

    May 22, 2014 at 7:47 pm

    “Hey, can I borrow your phone?”
    “Oh sure, let me just grab it out of my leopard vagina.”

  21. Caitlin Burrows

    May 22, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    I get embracing your femininity and all, but for me, that means buying pretty underwear or taking a dance class, or something. It does not mean owning any of the items on that list. (And those necklaces are terrifying.)

  22. Joye77

    May 23, 2014 at 11:22 am

    I am all about celebrating the vagina and making it a less of a “dirty” word in our culture but I don’t know why anyone would like these items. Men love their penises but we don’t see them running around with penis necklaces or penis belt buckles or penises hanging from their rear view mirror. It’s strange.

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