Listen, everyone. We all know summer sucks. We're tricked into thinking we're supposed to like it, with all of these promises about flip flops and summer fun, but really it's a nightmare. For working moms, it means you get to pay thousands for ridiculous day camps that your kids are lukewarm about attending, and for stay at home moms it means attempting to fill the hours with crap for your kids to do. It's not unlike the rest of the year, only with more underboob sweat.
Some people take vacations, and that's great for them and I'm not bitter about it all, you whores.
For the rest of us, we have to rely on other ways to relax, which is why we were so thrilled to get this helpful email this morning, chock full of vacation ideas.
On being an idiot and letting your kids play with glitter:
Make It a “Mom-Cation” Moment: Make DIY lint rollers with the kids so they can own the cleanup responsibility. Help them create a loop of tape, sticky side up, that fits loosely around their fingers or hands so they can tap the sparkly surfaces and capture any glitter that got left behind.
So, some people get to go to Disneyworld and Playa del Rey and the rest of us get fucking lint rollers.
I figured maybe I was judging this idea a little too harshly so I dreamed up a few other ways for us to momlax on our own momcations.
Pinecone Palooza: You know what totally sucks about summer, besides absolutely everything? When it rains. Since you probably don't own a TV, keep those sticky little hands busy by pinning a bunch of pinecone crafts on Pinterest, and then setting up a little sweatshop for your children to make some homemade, woodsy crap you'll throw out.
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: Cut down on clean up time by spending the entirety of your afternoon crawling around on the floor taping a giant drop cloth down. Turn it into a bonus yoga sesh by contorting your body into strange shapes as you maneuver the crevice between the table legs and the wall.
A Luncheon For The Little Ones: Ladies, we all know how exhausting preparing meals can be during these hot summer months. Set up a buffet table and let your kids take turns tossing frozen grapes and hamburger patties into each other's mouths from a distance.
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: Get a couple of whimsical alligator clips and use them to clip tissues to the collar of your shirt. Mopping up your desperate tears as you wonder existentially about what your life has become has never been easier!
Water Closet Day Spa: If there's one thing that's sure to keep your kids occupied this summer, it's bathroom business. Whether they are using it to watch entire seasons of shows on Netflix while they poop for hours, or are just learning how to piss all over the floor while they potty train, the toilet is sure to offer hours of summer fun.
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: We know you'd never shirk your housewife duty, but who says this chore has to be a bore? Light a candle, aromatherapize with some Pine-sol or scented cleaning products, and it is exactly, 100% just like a spa in there. You won't be able to tell the difference!
Baked-on Bliss: Making meals are a labor of love, and after your children destroy the propane grill with a few well placed bottle rockets in the backyard, you'll need a way to cook up those hamburger patties for lazy-day luncheons.
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: Once everyone has abandoned you with a mess in the kitchen and a "What are you gonna do about it?" smile on your lips, it's time to take care of the dishes. Using brillo pads to scrub dishes can do double duty as an exfoliant for your aged cracked lady housework hands.
Drift Off To La-La-Laundry Land: For some reason, your kids keep wearing clothes and then taking them off to put more clothes on. Just because all of your furniture is obscured by dirty drawers doesn't mean the summer fun has to stop for even one second!
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: Make this chore an absolute delight by cutting up a pound of lemons. Use half as a garnish for your spiked iced tea and use the other half to remove pesky skidmarks from little bloomers.
DIY Waterpark: Just because you can't afford to go to a gigantic toilet wild water park this summer doesn't mean your kids have to miss out on all of the fun! They're probably going to get disgusting at some point anyway so just stick them in the shower and let the fun times begin!
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: When the time comes to scrub some mildew, make it a chachachore by wearing some ankle bells and turning on some calypso music. Every time you come across a hair clog, shimmy your hips and try not to think about what could have been.
Fun In The "Sun": Can't make it to an exotic locale? Who gives a shit? Everything you need is right in your kitchen.
Make It A Momlaxing Momcation Moment: Time to turn up the heat! Set your oven to "self clean" and pretend you're on a tropical vacation. Every time the smell of singed tater tots wafts your way, pretend what you're smelling is the sweet notes of frangipani. Try not to cry. Cry a lot.
Happy Momlaxing, moms.