Pregnancy

Unbearable: Will Infertility Take Over My Life?

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Having a child is usually a happy time in a woman’s life. Unfortunately, as we wait longer to have children, infertility and trouble conceiving can become a part of the family making process. Unbearable addresses these difficulties.

A very wonderful friend of mine is pregnant with twins right now. She went through multiple sessions of artificial insemination and in vitro to get her beautiful little darlings that she’s carrying. She advises me on every step of the fertility process and talks me through even the smallest of difficulties. Honestly, I can’t tell you all how lucky I feel to have this type of support.

During one recent lunch, she said, “People who never experience this don’t understand how you can just sit in your house and sob for an entire day. Maybe it’s not the first failed insemination, because then you can tell yourself that it’s just the first try. Maybe it’s the second one that will do it. But at some point in time, it’s just too much. It’s ok to feel like you have no idea what you’re going to do next.”

What my friend was talking about, those days incapacitated by emotional heart-wrench and depression, is what I’m afraid of most. Right now, I’ve run my tests. I’ve gotten some answers and a whole lot more questions. Now, I have to decide just how far I’m willing to go in my quest to have another child. My husband and I have to decide if we’re stable enough to survive the emotional roller coaster and if we’re determined enough to spend thousands of dollars on a procedure that might not work. And this decision is terrifying.

Fertility treatments are a lot more than shots and tests. They are a hormonal whirlwind, which can effect women in many different ways. Any fertility treatment takes time, energy and dedication, whether its hormone therapy, artificial insemination or in vitro fertilization. All of it is taxing in ways that cannot be easily described. And once you’ve jumped on this ride, where do you get off? Do you keep pushing until you finally have a child? Is there a dollar limit at which you need to cut off? Is there a time limit involved?

I feel like I’m standing at this huge precipice deciding whether or not I’m going to jump. My inability to decide is already keeping me up at night, distracting me from menial tasks and making me more than a little crazy. So just how much of my life will be taken over once I finally make a decision?

I’ve asked a lot of questions so far. And I’m not sure anyone can give me any answers. So much of this process is personal. Every family will deal with fertility issues in their own way. I’m hoping that I’ll make the right decision for myself, my husband and our daughter. And if that decision is to begin fertility treatments, I’m hoping that my amazing friend will sit with me whenever I need to sob hysterically for hours. Actually, that is the one thing that I don’t have to be uncertain about. Having a wonderful support system is one of the few things of which I’m sure.

As for the rest, I’m still deciding. I don’t know if our fertility journey will take over my life for the next couple of years. But I think that might be better than letting infertility decide that the next couple decades will be filled with disappointment.

 

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