1. The gunners
These people aren't aware that you can't "win" at swim lessons or Mommy & Me yoga. They need all the instructor attention, all the space, and all the practice time so that their little one has a shot at that prestigious Zumba scholarship.
2. The special snowflakes, subtype A (Rulebreakicus maximus)
The minimum age to safely use the stationery bikes, treadmills, and free weights is irrelevant: they paid for a family membership so they will damn well bring their kids into the fitness center if they want to!
3. The special snowflakes, subtype B (Showoffina spotlightica)
Oh, is your child learning to put his face in the water? That's sweet. Their son knows how to do flip turns, has a perfect butterfly stroke, and is currently perfecting his high dive technique. But the face-water thing is, you know, cute. I guess.
4. The plague carriers
No one expects kids with a touch of the sniffles to get banned from day care at the gym. But then there are a subset of parents who are happy to throw their glassy-eyed, shivering offspring at the poor overloaded caregivers, because god forbid you miss a week of Bodypump.
5. The tourists
Usually appearing for the first time in early January and then going back into hibernation for the rest of the year by the time February rolls around, these are the people you will see wandering helplessly between rows of treadmills or up and down the locker room. It's not clear what they're looking for, exactly. A reason to keep coming to the gym?
6. The empty nesters
If your family trips to the YMCA coincide with when Silver Sneakers Yoga gets done, you will be swarmed by the empty nesters who want to coo over your kids. And they will make you late for wherever you're trying to go, whether it's a 10 AM Boot Camp class or the juicebox with your hangry toddler's name on it that's currently waiting for her in the car.
7. The changing room hogs
You and your kids are shivering in your swimsuits, but that family changing room is serving a much more important purpose, as a safe area to keep young M'ckynziy's three duffel bags up off the damp floor while MahKynzi herself dries her hair and does her makeup. Mykinz-Ee's mother's own, separate changing room will, of course, be similarly occupied.
8. The desperate SAHMs
See also: Zumba. I, I mean these people, have a desperate gleam in their eyes as they lob their hapless offspring at the child watch employees and run off to cram in 30 minutes of exercise that is guaranteed not to be interrupted by anyone asking to watch Curious George or eat just one more cookie, maybe, please. Do not get in between us - them - and Boot Camp or you may be trampled.
(Image: Olesya Feketa/Shutterstock)