Tucker Carlson Thinks We’re Turning Kids Into Wussies By Not Letting Cartoon Characters Smoke
I don’t know the answer to that question, except that Tucker Carlson seems overly concerned about how all three are somehow going to turn our kids into little wussies or something. In “Things The Fox and Friends Team is Certain Will Give Your Kids The Gay” news, everybody’s favorite toupee was all bent out of shape because the new Popeye movie doesn’t look like it will include Popeye’s corncob pipe.
“Are we wussifying Popeye?” cohost Clayton Morris posited, absolutely beside himself with the fear that Popeye might sprout a vagina and teach your kids to crochet and Jazzercise.
Imagine, then, how positively verklempt he was to find that Thor actually has sprouted a vagina in the character’s forthcoming iteration. Now, to be fair, this Thor actually had a vagina before she weilded Mjolnir, but that’s neither here nor there. The terrorists are winning.
All of this is apparently relevant to the Fox and Friends crew because it points to the dangerous turn our society as a whole is taking in our attempt to suppress and oppress the clear minority group in this country: white dudes.
It all comes down to the pipe, a venerated symbol of all that is American and good in the world. No, seriously.
“But smoking a pipe, a symbol of freedom and masculinity in America itself, the reason this country exists, tobacco, that’s like, ‘Oh, that’s outrageous. That’s a major sin.’
I wonder if they feel the same way about hemp, another staple crop in our country’s early days? I mean, I doubt it because hippies and other reasons, but I’m just saying.
Another cohost, Anna Kooiman, pointed out that Popeye was originally created to get kids to eat their spinach, so the idea of Popeye smoking tobacco is a little counterproductive, knowing what we know now about it’s more unpleasant side effects, like cancer.
Now, I’m never in the camp of “This movie/tv show/sick rap/video game made my child do something unpleasant” camp, but when Carlson shakes his cane and curmudgeonly declares that no child has ever smoked a pipe because of Popeye, I want to introduce him to little Theresa, who stole her grandfather’s pipe out of curiosity because of Popeye. To be fair, that’s also the year that I tried dog food because my brother told me it tasted like Coca Puffs, but that’s neither here nor there.
In order to round out the Arglebargle Kids These Days Grumble Hour, the trio turned their attention to Wonder Woman’s new costume design, which imagines the heroine in actual clothing in Wonder Woman #600.
While Morris complained that he wanted to see Wonder Woman’s fictional boobs in last season’s halter top, Carlson got serious about the damage these kinds of changes can do:
“That’s a good Islamic point. We should cover them. We should cover the women because, otherwise, it just incites the men. It’s immodest as we say in the Sharia.”
So I know it’s only September, but I’ve already decided on Christmas wish: that Tucker Carlson gets to live under the Sharia law he so desperately wants to experience. Maybe then he’ll shut the hell up about corncob pipes and Thor’s magnificent hammers.