Baby Fat: Everyone’s An Expert When You’re Trying To Get Pregnant
At no other time is this saying more true than when you are trying to get pregnant. Once it’s discovered you’re “trying”, people will literally cross the street to tell you what worked for them. Or their friend. Or their boss’ wife’s sister.
For example, my dental hygienist suggested I should eat avocado and tomatoes once I get my period (no explanation given), my mother told me that my husband really needs stay out of hot tubs (we do not own a hot tub) and I’ve lost count how many times I’ve been told to “just relax” (though I can’t remember the last time someone told me to relax, under any circumstances, and it achieved the desired result.)
But what’s even worse is when the experts have conflicting advice. I feel like there are two fairly distinct camps when it comes to baby making: 1. You Can’t Control Anything and 2. You Can Control Everything!
Below are the answers to fairly common pregnancy questions I asked the three main baby experts in my life: my gynecologist, my acupuncturist and my Irish friend Clodagh* (*obviously Clodagh’s the equalizer – but hey, she’s never let me down on advice before and she’s on her third pregnancy, so that’s gotta count for something!)
7 Common “Trying to Get Pregnant” Questions:
ME: Do I need to give up coffee when trying to get pregnant?
Acupuncturist: You’re still drinking coffee?? Oh boy. We are going to need some extra time for our session today now that I know this…
Clodagh: I don’t understand. Why the fuck would you give up coffee?
ME: Do I need to give up alcohol when trying to get pregnant?
Gynecologist: No. But don’t get black out drunk.
Acupuncturist: You are not to touch alcohol until you’ve finished breastfeeding this future baby that we are trying to make. Did you not read the handout I gave you?
Clodagh: Drink ‘til it’s pink!
ME: How should we be timing sex?
Gynecologist: Buy the ovulation kits and do what it says. It will save you from having to have unnecessary sex.
Acupuncturist: Intercourse only on Day 10, Day 12, Day 14, Day 16 of your cycle. Your husband’s Qi must regenerate so it’s bad to have sex everyday. You’ve been having sex everyday haven’t you?
Clodagh: Have sex everyday. What? You have a better idea on how to make a baby?
ME: How soon after sex can I get up and go pee?
Gynecologist: Ummm, I dunno. A few minutes?
Acupuncturist: 20 minutes. I suggest meditating during that time. And make sure you are very calm when you rise as your energy affects all energy.
Clodagh: Get up to pee?! Are you crazy? That’s like fixing yourself a perfectly good cup of tea and then pouring it on the floor. Lie on your back with your legs in the air until morning!
ME: Are there any special pre-pregnancy vitamins I should be taking?
Gynecologist: Folic acid.
Acupuncturist: I’ve prescribed you a list of Chinese herbs and teas that you must take three times a day. It’s $75 for a week’s supply but we’ll probably need to increase your amount.
Clodagh: Folic acid.
ME: Can I continue exercising the same way when trying to conceive?
Gynecologist: Yes. I’m a big fan of not acting like you are pregnant until you really are pregnant.
Acupuncturist: No! Exercise ignites the “yang” energy which can overpower the energy needed for conception.
Clodagh: You know you’re gonna get fat anyway right?
ME: Any additional advice you have for me?
Gynecologist: Enjoy the sex while you can. You’ll never want to do it again after you have a baby.
Acupuncturist: Come in for a treatment once a week. Oh, and use PreSeed!
Clodagh: Enjoy not being pregnant.
While there’s no clear consensus from my experts on the best way to make a baby, I think that might be a good thing. It just give me the flexibility to cherry pick the advice I want to listen to – which I’m sure I would have done anyway!