Totally Gross Things Every Mom Does
Becoming a mother means that you take an unspoken pledge to do some of the most disgusting shit you never even knew was possible. More often than not, this shit involves shit.
You will watch in horror as poop spirals towards your face from your child’s all-powerful butt canon. You will wonder why you’re smelling parmesan cheese, because you don’t have any, and realize that it’s coming from one of your baby’s neck rolls. And even after all of this, you still adore your children. They’re gross, but they’re yours, dammit.
Here are more of the gross things moms do that nobody warns us about:
1. Fishing for poop
It’s inevitable that you, at some point, will go fishing for brown trout, crappie, grunter, and mud minnow in your bathtub. Poop. I’m talking about poop. And you’re gonna have to scoop it out with your bare hands. Hopefully it’s in one piece.
2. Puke catcher
Poop isn’t the only bodily fluid you’ll be playing the position of catcher for. Kids are notorious for spitting up and having weak stomachs. You won’t always have a bag or a container. Sometimes, you just gotta cup your hand and go with the flow. Welcome to being a human puke bucket. Someone pass the wine and sawdust.
3. Brown Noser
A mom’s nose is pretty dialed-in with her child’s particular brand of stench. It’s key to their survival. The moment we catch the tiniest whiff, we know we have to act fast unless we want our kids leaving a snail trail of shit behind us in the supermarket. The next steps, following an olfactory alert for a possible shitastrophy, is confirmation. 1) Ask your child if they pooped, regardless of whether or not they’re capable of understanding and/or responding. Then, 2) Sniff that booty. We don’t care where we are or who’s around. Our schnozzes are going near another human’s butt crack, and if you don’t like what you see, look away!
4. Shitty situations
Speaking of things you can’t un-see, there will come a time when your child shits themselves so aggressively that you have no choice but to cut them out of their clothes. You’ve assessed all possible outfit exit strategies, and all of them result in disaster. Don’t be a hero. You can buy your kid more clothes, or you can buy them years of counseling to cope with deep-seated childhood trauma.
5. Kleenex hoarding
Children make the perfect breeding grounds for sickness. They touch every damn thing, despise washing their hands, and will put anything in their mouths. It’s just too easy. This means that fluids are constantly coming out of their faces and that you get to be the proud owner of a million used tissues. You’ll stuff them in your pockets, your purse. Hell, you might as well benefit from this situation and stuff your bra with them.
6. Human trash can
Deepening the comparison between parents and flaming dumpsters, you’ll undoubtedly find yourself without the proper means to dispose of your kid’s dirty diaper while you’re on the go. This moment is when you find out what you’re made of. You do what you gotta do. You open up your designer purse and stick that wadded up pile of gross inside. And die a little on the inside.