Parenthood is full of opportunities for growth and enrichment and mutual respect and understanding. What it needs more of is more opportunities mess with our kids. I may have learned this from my own mother, who once went to the butcher at Whole Foods and said, “Just give me whatever you have that looks the most like a human appendix,” but even she never thought of anything as wonderful as this “tooth monster” doll purportedly made out of a person’s leftover baby teeth.
Everything about this is so wrong that it could not be more right. I want to marry the woman who came up with this doll. I think we’d get along great.
According to Scary Mommy, these toys were submitted to the appropriately named website “Scary for Kids” as an example of a thing a decent seamstress could make with her children’s old baby teeth. The photos promptly proceeded to horrify everyone into a catatonic state.
OK, it turns out these are not actually made of real human baby teeth. They’re dolls called “Fugglers” and they’re basically what happens when someone looks at the so-ugly-they’re-cute Ugly Dolls at FAO Schwartz and says, “Pshaw! That’s not ugly. I’ll show you ugly!” The teeth are false. It’s still funny, though. And if you showed up with one of these dolls and said that you made it out of your kid’s baby teeth, everyone would believe you.
Really, they come from Etsy and are sold through Mrs. McGettrick’s Fuggler Emporium. Do yourself a favor and read the product listings, because Mrs. McGettrick is a genius.
“The Fugglers in the pictures are all sold. Don’t despair. I’ll make you another one – it won’t look identical. It will be unique to you. If you are a person of particular urges you can chose the felt colour, button colours, whether you want the heart broken or unbroken, or even have the heart embroidered with a name or a few words. I’ll level with you: I’m pretty bad at embroidery (or as we like to say in artistic circles, I have a “naive, folk” style.) However, since I don’t charge any extra for it, you can’t really complain. … Your Fuggler will be sent in a presentation gift box, and will also have a Fuggler branded button bumhole. The sign of authenticity. I had to order like a lifetimes supply of these buttons, so take your time to run your finger lovingly over the engraving. “
(Marry me, Mrs. McGettrick.)
These dolls are so terrifying and wonderful, I cannot stop laughing at the idea of presenting one to my adult child and saying it was made of their baby teeth. Personally, I’m planning on waiting for my daughter to bring home a romantic partner, just so I can bring the doll out as a gift for my new son- or daughter-in-law and be like, “Welcome to the family! As a sign of my esteem, here is a handmade monster doll full of your future spouse’s baby teeth! I just know that you will keep this in an important place where everyone can see it.”
Can you imagine the reactions? Our kids will be like, “AAUGH! Mom! WTF?! Where did that come from?”
A prank like this might get us committed, but I am fully committed to this prank. It’ll take a long, slow burn that will take decades to pay off, but in the end it will be worth it.
(As a note to my daughter who is probably reading this post in 30 or 40 years and trying to figure out why I just sprung a horror doll made of human teeth on her at her engagement party: This is the kind of thing your mother thinks is hilarious when you won’t let her sleep at night, baby.)