Your Toddler Can Join The CrossFit Cult For An Obscene Amount Of Money

It’s increasingly becoming part of the New Yorker experience (and probably elsewhere) to lose many a friend to the CrossFit Cult. First come the cancelled plans, then the near hourly Facebook updates along with maps that read “CrossFit!” and before you know it they’re on the Paleo diet. Well now, CrossFitters and the CrossFit curious can also enroll their toddlers in the lifestyle that is CrossFit. But it will cost you!

DNAinfo.com reports that the Hunters Point gym CrossFit Gantry is offering classes to children as young as three years old starting this week. But lest you think this is just Gymboree with different toys, it’s reported that these kids will be participating in “a specially tailored version of the popular fitness program ”” which emphasizes strength, conditioning and a varied workout routine.” So not quite what the grownups are doing:

Unlike the adult version of the workouts, Gantry Kids won’t be expected to lift a kettlebell above their heads. The classes will teach them the traditional CrossFit movements, like squats and overhead presses, but without weights…The classes will incorporate colors, counting and add an element of imagination to movement.

Kids will practice their best bear crawl or crab walk, build castles out of fitness mats and move them together as a team, or do a squat while pretending to be an angry gorilla…

CrossFit Kids will also emphasize functionality in movement, teaching children exercises that apply to their everyday life, like how to lift a heavy backpack without injuring themselves.

But those are some expensive bear crawls, I tell you. A kids membership reportedly costs $140 for ONE class a week. You big spenders can get two classes a week (Thursdays and Saturdays ONLY) for $280 a month. That’s nearly the equivalent of two grownup Equinox monthly memberships. And at least here in NYC, there are occasionally supermodels in those.