If Your Toddler Isn’t A Total Jerk, Consider Yourself Lucky

Toddlers are jerks. I don’t care what anyone says – they just are. Having observed countless numbers of these little beings at the park, Gymboree, the supermarket and on airplanes – I feel confident declaring that they are officially the worst. This includes the one that lives under my roof.

How can you call your precious child a jerk? What kind of mother are you? I’m a mother who realizes toddlers are the most annoying little beings on the planet. I’m just calling a spade a spade.

My child has taken to demanding shit, constantly – as if it’s common knowledge that I was put on this earth to serve him. But it’s like he’s just figured this out; he wasn’t this awful a couple of months ago. All of a sudden, Can I have milk please? has been replaced by MILK! Goodnight Moon? has been replaced by READ! Anytime he doesn’t get his way, he shrieks like a pterodactyl. It’s super fun.

I think my mother is pleased that she can finally confirm in her own mind that she is a way better parent than I am. My sister looks at me with concern and sympathy. My husband tis as confused as I am about this turn around – we’re pretty much screwed.

Everyone says, start reasoning and explaining things to him! He’s not a baby anymore! To which I say – Thanks a lot. I hadn’t thought of speaking to my child. I’ll try that today. Of course I have tried this. I explain. I reason. I beg. He doesn’t care.

The reason I am certain he is a jerk, is because at night when I put him in bed and he wants me to hang around, he becomes the most charming little being I’ve ever met. After he demands that I read stuff – he becomes really pleasant. He says I love you, he talks about all of his books, he giggles – he’s the cutest thing ever. When I say “good night” he says – Okay mommy! I love you! Sooooo much. See you in the morning!

Yup. See you in the morning sweet boy – when you will commence ordering me around for another 10 hours. If parenting wasn’t the best thing I’d ever done – it would totally suck. Toddlers are officially the worst. If I didn’t already think it about my own child – it was confirmed yesterday when I saw an exhausted mom trying to rid herself of the 3-year-old hanging from her dress.

All I could think was – at least I’m not the only one.

(photo: Getty Images)