This Student’s Incoherent Essay Proves Drunk Homework Is Way Worse Than Drunk Texting
So many dumb, drunk texts have been sent since the invention of the smart phone! So many exes and crushes have seen the raw extent of our craziness, stripped naked and bare by alcohol. But now drunk texting an ex doesn’t seem so bad compared with this University of Wisconsin student who woke up from a long night out to discover that in her drunkenness she had realized she’d forgotten an assignment, then done it and handed it in. Let’s just say it wasn’t her best work.
While McKenna Clark deserves points for doing the forgotten assignment in the first place, in this case saying, “Oh fuck, I forgot my homework. Oh well, going back to sleep” might have been a better option. Because this is the essay she sent her professor:
PSA: don’t write papers hammered and then turn them in like me pic.twitter.com/qFCFvIJVur
— McKenna clark (@kenna_bo__benna) September 17, 2016
“Illegal to kiss on train (mala probita) talk about whether it should be illegal or not. It should be legal to kiss on the train because it is romantic. Professor Grams, my name is McKenna. I had some Dr. Pepper’s I am doing good. Your assignment is way too hard. I can’t do it right now. I am better now, however, because the Dr. Pepper’s wore off. I am now contemplating the assignemtn that you gave me. It’s illegal to kiss on the train because it is a safety violation. If you are kissing while on the train you must realize that it could end up being dangerous. If the driver was kissing on the train, who would be driving the train. You are welcome.
A lot of what we write while drunk makes perfect sense at the time, and only reveals itself to be a garbled mess in the cold light of day, but usually those are just texts, emails, and garbled notes for future novels. McKenna Clark actually sent hers to the professor. Oops!
McKenna’s “Oh my god, what did I do!?” moment certainly seems to have tickled the Internet, though, because everyone on Twitter loves it, especially the fact that she signed off with, “Love you!”
“I can’t believe I actually sent it in. I can’t do college anymore!” McKenna groaned on Twitter after seeing what she’d done.
Plenty of embarrassed students have probably accidentally said “love you” to their professors. I think the fear of accidentally saying “love you” to someone is about 90 percent of the reason young people never use their phones as phones anymore. You’re way less likely to accidentally say “love you” in text or email. (As McKenna’s essay proves, it does still happen in text form. It’s just less likely than on the phone.)
We don’t know how Professor Grams reacted to the receipt of this essay, but out of curiosity I showed the assignment to a completely different college professor, whose response was to crack up laughing, then pause and very seriously say, “Is ‘Dr Pepper’ a new thing the kids are saying these days? Clearly it must stand for something else. I wonder what it is.”
The silver lining to the situation is that college is meant to prepare us for the real world, and she’s probably learned one very embarrassing lesson. Thanks to this experience, McKenna will probably never be the person who drunk-emails her boss in the middle of the night. Because if there’s anything worse than drunk-emailing a professor, it’s drunk-emailing a boss.