during pregnancy

15 Ways To Numb The Agony That Is The Third Trimester

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I am not a huge fan of being pregnant, but let me be clear when I say that I haaaaated the third trimester. It’s kind of like the last semester of school when you’re a senior. You just can’t TAKE sitting in your desk and listening to your stupid teacher for one more GD second when you know that you are about to taste sweet, sweet freedom. And by freedom, I mean an unruly baby who is going to keep you up all night with torturous giggles, moans, squeaks, and wails.

The third trimester of pregnancy is a mother of a drag, pun intended. I was so fatigued at that time that I felt like glue was running through my veins. I also could not stand waiting for the potential (over)due date that came and went. Just give me the baby, and let me get on with it already!!! But I digress.

If any of this rings true for you, let me encourage you by saying that it will go by faster than you think. But that won’t do you any good when you’re pulling your hair out for the next few weeks. Here are 15 things you can do to make the third trimester slightly less unbearable:

1. Pretend that you aren’t pregnant.

2. Sleep for 23 hours a day.

3. Quit your job in a dramatic Jerry Maguire style and commence sleeping for 23 hours a day.

4. Spend your baby savings on one prenatal massage a day until you give birth.

5. Exercise because relaxation and endorphins, duh.

6. Eat your feelings and frustrations.

7. Lie on your side like a nursing pig every time you eat because it’s much easier that way.

8. Bitch at your husband a lot, much more than you normally do.

9. Tell your husband, Feel this, FEEL IT, as you kick him in the back to help him understand your constant lower back pain.

10. Beg your husband for special favors, i.e. ice cream at midnight, while you can.

11. Cry alone in the bathroom because it hurts so good.

12. Frequent Baby Birth Club forums to realize that 99% of pregnant women whine more than you do.

13. Walk really, really, really slow through the grocery store and bask in the sympathy smiles.

14. Spend hours reading Google reviews of other doctors and contemplate switching at the last minute, but then don’t switch.

15. Watch your husband assemble your baby’s crib on the floor as you prop your feet up on his back (see #9).

(Image: Gladskikh Tatiana/Shutterstock)

25 Comments

  1. Ptownsteveschick

    April 4, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    I got screwed out of all this the first time around. My husband was working two jobs and doesn’t drive, so I had to get all my own treats, our bed was broken so sleeping on it was like sleeping on a smashed sandwich, and I had to put all the baby furniture together myself. The second time around is going to be much different if I have any say.

    • jendra_berri

      April 4, 2014 at 8:36 pm

      No woman should have a non-driving partner during pregnancy 🙁
      Wait a sec, what about taking you to the hospital? What about running those post-birth errands that pop up immediately?
      I don’t have a licence, myself, but if my husband didn’t have one, even if I did, we’d have been sunk!

    • Ptownsteveschick

      April 4, 2014 at 8:49 pm

      He can’t drive because of severe anxiety, like literally breaking out in a sweat if it is even joked about. And I drove myself to the hospital, they sent me home, so I drove to my mom’s house and then she took me back later. My dad drove us home, but only because the nurses said I couldn’t drive on the norco I was taking, I was fully ready to drive myself. Now we live a block from the hospital so the second one I will probably just walk there. I was back driving the day after I got out of the hospital(I stayed in for 3 days) I just took my little donut pillow out to the car with me. It isn’t easy, but he makes up for it. Plus he puts up with all my crazy, I let him have a little bit of his own.

    • jendra_berri

      April 4, 2014 at 9:55 pm

      You two sound like an excellent match, and living near the hospital is an excellent solution (for future medical stuff too). But damn, I think you’re a trooper 😉

    • Ptownsteveschick

      April 5, 2014 at 12:09 am

      Haha, thanks, honestly I was pretty much yelling at him the whole way to the hospital. He works at the hospital, so moving here was more for that, but after we moved we did have a good laugh over how much more convenient the birth of our second child will be.

    • allisonjayne

      April 7, 2014 at 11:20 am

      A friend of mine drove herself to the hospital when her water broke (4 weeks early) at work. Her friend (and co-worker) came with her, and tried to drive, but she got too annoyed with her friend’s driving that she forced her out of the driver’s seat and took the wheel. Ha. It was a good 30-45 minute drive too. I don’t know how she did it.

  2. Maria Guido

    April 4, 2014 at 4:47 pm

    I’m dying at #7

  3. Kay_Sue

    April 4, 2014 at 4:49 pm

    See, this is why we should be allowed to drink while pregnant.

    • Bethany Ramos

      April 4, 2014 at 4:55 pm

      WORD.

    • Nicole

      April 4, 2014 at 11:53 pm

      It is SUCH BULLSHIT (!!!!!) that women can’t drink durin pregnancy.

    • Kay_Sue

      April 5, 2014 at 12:14 am

      No apology necessary. I survived two separate South Carolina summers while pregnant and it was not pretty. I feel for you a *lot*.

  4. Robotic Socks

    April 4, 2014 at 5:39 pm

    So like #4… Free!

  5. Missy

    April 4, 2014 at 6:15 pm

    I got the bonus of being on modified bed rest and can’t do much. My child is already so long that sitting up for too long hurts me (and probably him). So I lay down and make pouty faces and abuse the shit out of it. 😀

  6. Véronique Houde

    April 4, 2014 at 7:18 pm

    OMG I wish I could just watch him do the renos and stuff around the house – yesterday i let him work while i relaxed in the living room (he had to put up doors that I had worked so hard at staining and varnishing last month) and lo and behold – he put one up upside down ARGGGHHHHH… The head dropped into the hands once I saw it…

    And then he responded “No one’s going to notice” AOAIEPHEROIJDNDNAHDARRRGHFUCKYOUJAKDNEIJAEHD

    Thank god I found a solution. ‘Cause I’d kill him if I had to buy a new door and stain it again.

    • Bethany Ramos

      April 4, 2014 at 7:19 pm

      Yeah, you deserve an award for all you are doing while pregnant!

  7. Natasha B

    April 4, 2014 at 7:26 pm

    So much yes.
    I’ve been milking the shit out of this pregnancy. 8 weeks left….8 weeks left….8weeks left!
    I try not to whine too much, but dammit, I am just uncomfortable. And he’s huge. And he hangs out so low I feel like every time he moves my lady business is going to fall out. And the hubs is all handsy and I’m all ain’t nothing going down unless I get a 45 min back rub FIRST.

  8. Valerie

    April 4, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    I def pulled #14 a few times. With that same crazed look in my eye.

  9. Abby

    April 4, 2014 at 8:24 pm

    I’m at 35 weeks today and I am embracing every single one of these. Last night, I sat in my comfy new rocking chair and watched my husband assemble the pack n play, quietly and peacefully popping the bubbles on the bubble wrap that came with it. It was so stress-relieving that I think I may do it again tomorrow.

    Also the basking in sympathy thing. Tonight at Olive Garden, it was just glorious. From the hostess to the waitress to the pregnant girl leaving as I was coming in to the mother with five kids coming in as we were leaving, it was so glorious.

  10. jendra_berri

    April 4, 2014 at 8:38 pm

    The last trimester is so ass. I can’t imagine how to do it again, only with a child. No naps whenever I want? No putting my feet up and relaxing whenever I want? No way. Mothers of more than one, I salute you. Mothers of only one, I understand you.

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