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Childrearing

A Third Child Is A Status Symbol For Wealthy Parents Who Can’t Think Of Better Ways To Burn Their Cash

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A third child has become a status symbol for wealthy New Yorkers. I think those of us who have lived in New York saw this coming. Double strollers just don’t say, “I own this street” as much as a stroller that can somehow contain three humans. Anyone who wants a third child as a status symbol is suffering from a lack of imagination.

The New York Times writes about these families today, in a piece called, The Growing Three Child Household In Manhattan:

Though some of these parents may think they are compromising on space, some observing them see having a third child as a demonstration of affluence. “It’s a status child. The whole family doesn’t fit in a cab. It’s a lot,” said Christina Lewis Halpern, 34, the founder of All Star Code, a technology nonprofit organization focusing on minorities, who lives in Greenwich Village with her husband and 2-year-old son.

“My peers, who are very career-oriented and driven, want larger families,” Ms. Lewis Halpern said. “Like with many things, the third child remains aspirational for me.”

Ms. Halpern – a third child is “aspirational?” Really? Oh honey, I can think of waaaaay better ways to light your cash on fire than having a third kid! You are suffering from a total lack of imagination here. Let me be your guide.

1. Solid Gold Poop, $450

A Third Child Is A Status Symbol For Wealthy Parents Who Can t Think Of Better Ways To Burn Their Cash gold poop 400x300 jpg

citizen-citizen.com

These pills will make you shit solid gold. What says “status” more than that? Would you rather wipe some little creature’s butt, or your own gold-flecked asshole? I think we all know the answer to that.

2. Fleur Burger, $5,000

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Tumblr

It’s a $5,000 burger and I would tell you what’s on it, but who cares? Would you rather spend your evening organizing the organic baby food pouches in your newly remodeled pantry in your upper east side kitchen, or fly to Vegas and eat this crap?

3. Turntable Ring, $20,000

A Third Child Is A Status Symbol For Wealthy Parents Who Can t Think Of Better Ways To Burn Their Cash Screen Shot 2014 04 10 at 12 26 52 PM png

ahalife.com

Would you rather listen to “Wheels On The Bus” for the 14,000th time, or pretend that you are the heir to a Sheik with a penchant for vinyl?

4. Kama Sutra Ring, $5,485

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ahalife.com

Would you rather glance down and think about all of the freaky things you could be doing tonight, or forget about your sex life completely because you now have a third kid who is constantly wanting to climb in your bed?

5. Fishtank Sink, $4500

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opulentitems.com

Would you rather invite your friends over for chicken wings so they will be forced to gaze upon your magnificent sink, or destroy your boobs with a third round of breastfeeding?

Okay, so maybe all of these things are ridiculous. But so are the following paragraphs:

During other periods of history, people had more children so they could work in the fields and contribute financially to the family, Dr. Beveridge of Queens College said. “Now children don’t have a lot of utilitarian value anymore,” he said. “Kids are like status symbols, or a very expensive pet or hobby.” (He spoke partly in jest, as a father of one himself.)

and,

Joe Daniels, 41, the president and chief executive of the nonprofit National September 11 Memorial and Museum, and a father of three, did not disagree that having a large family can be a social signifier in the upper tax brackets. “At some level, the third child is a proxy for having enough wealth to have a very comfortable life,” he said at the family’s 2,100-square-foot apartment in TriBeCa.

All of a sudden, solid-gold poop doesn’t seem so vulgar, does it?

(photo: Flickr/Creative Commons/ Rezky Nabil Anwari)

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