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10 Things You Will Think Immediately After Giving Birth

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thingsyouwillthinkaftergivingbirthEvery woman’s labor and birth experience are different. Some of you will feel elated. Some of you will feel exhausted. Going though labor is such a personal, individual experience, and so many things factor into it. Whether you had a vaginal birth or a c-section. Whether you had a natural birth or took as many drugs as you could get your laboring little hands on. If the birth you had carefully outlined in your beautifully appointed leather-bound birthing plan notebook went the way you expected it to or not. But as a lady who has been to this baby expelling rodeo a few times, I know some of the things you will think immediately after giving birth. And this list is in no way inclusive.

My Heart Is Going To Explode I Can’t Believe That This Is The Love They Told Me About!!!!1111!!!!!!111OneElventy!!!111!!!!111!

That’s it. I’m done. Everything makes sense now. The heavens have parted and everything in the world is right. Everything. I thought I loved my parents. I thought I loved my spouse. But no, this is totally a million times different and now I get it. This is what they meant. I’m complete. My legs may still be shaking and I feel sort of pukey but it’s okay. I get it now. I get everything now. Wait. I did this? This came out of ME? How could I do something this incredible. Are you sure this is my baby? I did this? Wow.

Is That All There Is? 

Is-that-all-there-is-1024x764

(Image: Manmadegirls)

Big whoop. I guess he is kinda cute. I’m tired.

Please Don’t Tell Me This Happened 

For the love of Goddess, God, The Universe, Jesus, The Magical Ultrasound Dolphin please don’t tell me anything else pushed out of my body while I was pushing. With people down there. Filming. I can’t look. I don’t wanna know. Just let the nurse hurry and clean me up and we shall never speak of this again.

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40 Comments

  1. Bethany Ramos

    August 1, 2013 at 11:59 am

    Hahah Oh, placenta! I had natural midwife births, which means that they asked me “what I wanted to do with the placenta” both times. Examples included say a special blessing, prayer, etc. My husband and I were both like, no, we’re good! *smile and shuffle away* With my first baby, they also asked if they could show me the placenta because it randomly looked like a heart. How cute! Ew.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 12:01 pm

      SHIT IF WE DON’T ALL USE THIS OPPORUNITY TO WRITE SPECIAL POEMS AND BLESSINGS TO OUR PLACENTAS I MAY CRY

    • LadyClodia

      August 1, 2013 at 1:24 pm

      A haiku:

      Oh, my placenta
      Thanks for feeding my baby
      You veiny-shit-bag.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      am crying

    • LadyClodia

      August 1, 2013 at 2:38 pm

      Maybe printed on a cooler lunch bag for easy placenta portability? Also, no one would ever steal your lunch again at the office! Or you could hide awesome snacks in the fridge and your kids wouldn’t go near it!

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 2:43 pm

      I think you just invented your gazillion dollar idea.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 2:57 pm

      pretty much most amazing ever

    • Scarlet

      October 4, 2013 at 11:51 am

      I just laughed so hard I cried, also I can no longer read these threads at work!

    • Eve Vawter

      October 4, 2013 at 1:03 pm

      That’s my goal, to make you cry 😀

    • Bethany Ramos

      August 2, 2013 at 9:22 am

      Hahahahah

    • allisonjayne

      August 1, 2013 at 12:06 pm

      I am like super pro-crunchy-granola-home-birth-bow-down-to-my-awesome-woman-birthing-powers or whatever (hell, I want to BE A midwife) but placentas gross me out so much. I respect the placenta, I think it’s amazing, but FUCK it looks so gross. The midwives tried to give me the ‘tour’ of my placenta and I was like, yeah yeah yeah great, it’s covered in meconium though so maybe it can just go the fuck away? I’d really rather look at my adorable baby than that veiny-shit-bag kthanx.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 12:08 pm

      This isn’t a very good “blessing” allison 🙁 and it does not rhyme

    • Bethany Ramos

      August 1, 2013 at 12:36 pm

      I should have said: Praise the Lord for this veiny-shit-bag. Damn!

    • allisonjayne

      August 1, 2013 at 4:00 pm

      I’m terrible at blessings. Someone asked me to say grace once. I say, “um…ok…grace…for the food?”.

    • Paul White

      August 1, 2013 at 1:07 pm

      I’ve seen human placentas, elephant placenta, pig placenta, the amniotic sacs little garter snakes are born in, mouse placentas…there’s nothing pretty about any of it and I do not get the attachment some people have for it.

      And no, not all animals eat the placenta. *gag*

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 1:16 pm

      I need to know why you are looking at some many placentas

    • Paul White

      August 1, 2013 at 1:18 pm

      I interned at the Denver Zoo for 1.5 years in high school/the summer before college, and I still breed and work with exotic animals as a hobby.

      When you see a giraffe placenta get pushed out just…spash…it’s kind of hilarious in a gagworthy sort of way.

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 1:28 pm

      That is SO cool!

  2. Justme

    August 1, 2013 at 12:05 pm

    Ugh. The incessant grabbing of my boobs. Listen nurses…take me out to dinner first, then you can get handsy with me.

  3. Mikster

    August 1, 2013 at 2:01 pm

    You forgot my overwhelming 1st thought: thank the goddess for c section and that THAT did not exit thru my vagina!

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 2:01 pm

      seeee.. I have not had a c-section so I felt like adding that would make me seem like a liarpants

    • Mikster

      August 1, 2013 at 2:06 pm

      Fair enough. I’ve had 4 – and each one was easier to recover from than the last! And now, knowing TOO many women who’ve pushed them out vaginally that have incontinence problems, some bad enough to require a horrid surgery- I am STILL happy about the c [email protected]

    • Eve Vawter

      August 1, 2013 at 2:10 pm

      Both ways are awEsome, as long as the baby comes out fine who cares? It’s all just OK GET IT OUT OF MEEEE

  4. Alicia Kiner

    August 1, 2013 at 2:15 pm

    the first words out of my mouth when my son was born were “Thank God.” I still need to find the poor anesthesiologist that I verbally tore apart. With my daughter, they were “is she ok?” because there were a couple of minutes where we thought there was going to be an emergency C due to her heart rate. But again, Eve, very funny article.

  5. Andrea

    August 1, 2013 at 3:01 pm

    OMG the food thing. I was SOOOOOOOOOOO hungry!!!! And thirsty!!! I remember how they wouldn’t let me drink while in labor (I have no clue why, maybe the epidural, I don’t fucking remember), and I was thirsting to DEATH and all the would let me have is ice chips. I remember telling my husband to get me some and food and (and I am quoting here): “And a big ASS drink, none of those bullshit ice chips”. In front of everyone.

  6. SDA

    August 1, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    Mine was asking about the condition of my butt. It totally felt like that was where the baby tried to come out. I think then I asked if I needed stitches. Then I looked at my baby and wondered what her nose would eventually end up looking like. Then I asked for A LOT of toast. I can’t say I felt the specific rush of undeniable love. I really felt ferociously protective, but I don’t know, I loved her, but I think it all hit me when she laughed for the first time! She laughed early so that is good I suppose!

  7. allisonjayne

    August 1, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    Had a planned home birth turned hospital birth, and while my family was all cooing over the baby when it was over, I was all, “guys, did you hear what happened TO ME? Also I still can’t feel my entire body. I am only a head”.

    • MoD

      August 1, 2013 at 9:54 pm

      Hahhahaha “I am only a head” hahahaha. Awesome.

  8. AlexMMR

    August 1, 2013 at 4:47 pm

    had a c-section for my twins and didn’t feel anything. No pressure, not a damned thing. So my first thought upon hearing my first daughter cry was “who let a cat in here and why is it upset?”

    Then I saw her and it was kind of “where did you come from?”

    There really is a disconnect when you feel absolutely nothing and they are suddenly randomly showing you babies that apparently just came out of your body.

    • Psych Student

      October 8, 2013 at 8:53 pm

      You are awesome!!!

  9. disqus_RcnfTzAghr

    August 1, 2013 at 6:42 pm

    I had an emergency caesarean after 19 hours of labour and afterwards when I was on the postnatal ward the dinnerlady came in with “clear broth and apple juice” for me. My roommate got spaghetti and cake. If I could feel my legs I would have chased that dinnerlady down the hallway demanding spaghetti and cake.

  10. Harriet Meadow

    August 1, 2013 at 8:14 pm

    The first thing I said to the nurses in the recovery room after my C-section was “When can I eat?” It had been 27 hours since the last time I ate anything besides broth. The second thing I said was, “When can I shower?”

  11. MoD

    August 1, 2013 at 10:02 pm

    I was all like “Hi baby, hi baby”, and then thinking “Take this thing, it’s slimy” and “I really, really want a cheeseburger right this minute.”

    I didn’t have that instantaneous fall in love thing. I loved him, yeah, but not like I love him now. Even though I had, like, eight and a half months to mentally prepare myself for him, it was all still really bizarre having him in my arms and I didn’t know what to think for awhile. I think I really fell in love a couple days later after I was looking at his pictures when he was sleeping and realized I missed him because he was in the other room.

  12. jendra_berri

    August 1, 2013 at 10:08 pm

    My thoughts after my unplanned C section: My arms are asleep, I’m tired and am I really a mother now, suddenly and just like that? Oh, and I’m very thirsty.

  13. C.J.

    August 2, 2013 at 12:41 am

    My first thought when my older daughter was born was “oh my god, it’s huge!”.

  14. SusannahJoy

    August 4, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Apparently I offended and horrified the nurse because after they cleaned up my baby she asked if I wanted to see him or hold him and I said “No. I want juice.” But come on, I cannot be the only person who had zero interest in him. I knew he was fine. My husband was holding him. And I was exhausted and thirsty and still had 4 doctors and a midwife poking around in between my legs. No, I did not want to hold a damn baby!

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