Scary Mommy: You Are Going To Be Fat, And Other Inevitabilities Of Pregnancy
1. You are going to be FAT. Eating makes the nausea go away and not just any eating will do. When the waves hit, you won’t be reaching for a salad, unless you plan to use the bowl like a bed pan. Come to think of it, you may want to practice that, because that may come up in labor (see #8). Between the nausea and the estrogen-induced sensation of chronic starvation, you’ll convince yourself that Taco Bell and Oreos do a baby good or at least that they’ll do YOU good (and that will be all that matters). I know what you’re thinking–that you’ve seen plenty of moms stay tiny during pregnancy. What you probably don’t know is that real moms HATE these women. So starve yourself to stay under the 25-pound limit, but you’ll be friendless. Trust me and have a cookie.
2. Maternity clothes only look good on the mannequins. Let’s review. You’re going to be FAT. Fat pregnant women do not look good in much of anything, let alone the cute, neon spandex top with the large horizontal stripes you bought when your pregnancy test turned positive. The maternity bikini and the spaghetti-strap shirts will get tossed aside in favor of a swim dress and a bra with straps the width of a ruler. Sure, there are a few women who manage to look like the mannequins in the maternity store. But do you really want to live on lean meats and veggies to look cute for nine months when it is absolutely true that WE WILL ALL HATE YOU? Be a smart girl and start picking out some of your husband’s jeans and t-shirts. They’ll tide you over ’til you outgrow him.
3. You’re going to be hot–and not in a good way. By now, I hope you’ve begun to accept that you’re going to be FAT. Packing on 50+ pounds of extra weight coupled with doubling your blood supply will make you feel like you’re wearing a fur coat in the desert at noon. You will want to have very little clothing on which doesn’t fit with having thighs the consistency of tapioca pudding. Nor will running around in your gigantic white underwear and monstrous bra do anything to appeal to your very frightened husband. If you’re not hot because you have gained less than 25 pounds, fan yourself and crank up the A/C anyway or WE WILL HATE YOU.
4. You’re going to quit working out. I know you’ve fantasized that you’ll finish a three-mile run by heading straight to the ER where you’ll push your little darling out with one or two ultra-strong pushes. You know you can keep up weight lifting and sports right until the very end because doctors say exercise is not only safe, but really important. What was truth #1? You’re going to be FAT. Fat pregnant women do not run anywhere, except maybe to the bathroom in the middle of the night. And lifting weights? You’ll be doing that every time you heft those extra pounds of yours out of the recliner to get another snack (unless you’ve sweet talked your husband into doing it, in which case you’re a quick learner). Oh, I know. Exercising is important for the baby. But if you think you’re going to work out til the very end, think about pushing your baby stroller around all by yourself because your mom friends will HATE YOU.