Childrearing

10 Things Only Parents Of Boys Say

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Maybe there’s not a huge difference between little girls and little boys. My daughter is only one, so she hasn’t developed all the weird and gross habits my son has. For all I know, the following things may totally apply to parenting girls, too – except the peeing stuff. But what I’ve learned in the almost four years that I’ve been mom to a little boy is – little boys are gross. Because of that, you are forced to give them some really weird directives.

Here are a few things that regularly come out of my mouth. They often leave me with a vacant, confused look on my face after I’ve said them.

1. Get your hands out of your butt.

Butt cracks are fascinating. Hopefully the fascination will end before kindergarten.

2. No touching boobies.

My kid thinks boobs are hilarious – which is fine with me. I just want to make sure that he’s not pointing to, laughing at, or trying to touch the boobs of strangers. That’s not to much to ask, is it?

3. You can’t leave the house without pants on.

Me: You can’t leave the house without pants on. Him: WHY?

4. Poop isn’t a toy.

He sometimes gets so elated when he sees it in the toilet, I fear he’s going to reach down and grab it.

5. You can’t pee sitting down forever.

I guess he actually could – but it’s really one of the only reasons why I’ve ever been sorry I wasn’t a man, so I’m forcing him to take full advantage of the fact that he doesn’t need to sit down to pee.

6.  Come see how your father goes pee-pee! 

I’m apparently obsessed with this whole peeing-standing-up thing.

7. You don’t try and touch your teacher’s boobies, do you?

My three-year-old has this random habit of occasionally poking me in the boobs and screaming, BOOBIES! I’m praying I’m the only female he does this to.

8. You don’t have to make an announcement when you fart.

I farted. I farted. I faaaarrrrteddd! Every. Single. Time.

9. No! Boogers are not ‘delicious.’

Those words actually came out of my mouth.

10. Don’t sit on the couch naked.

I don’t want bare butts on the couch. I don’t care how small and adorable they are.

(photo: Oleg Mikhaylov/ Shutterstock)

114 Comments

  1. KSo

    July 2, 2014 at 1:04 pm

    Another one I’ve found myself saying on occasion: Please try not to pee on the wall.

    • Jamie

      July 2, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      I have two boys and two girls. This is the only one I have only had to say to the boys.

    • Foleygirl24

      July 2, 2014 at 2:36 pm

      I have to say this every day. My 4 year old son has taken to shaking his booty while he’s peeing and cheering “go penis, go penis, go penis!”

  2. LadyClodia the Modest Rat

    July 2, 2014 at 1:09 pm

    11. Do not wipe your hand or mouth off on your shirt.

    And yes to all of the others.

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 1:14 pm

      #11 is definitely gender-neutral. I got so tired of saying that to my daughters.

    • LadyClodia the Modest Rat

      July 2, 2014 at 1:18 pm

      Ah, ok. 🙂 I only have boys, so it’s hard to tell. I just never remembered any of the girls I used to babysit doing it.

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 1:26 pm

      Girls tend to be more harshly reprimanded in general for being dirty. I just invested in a lot of wipes and spot removed. Also, if you change #1 to “Get your hand out of your diaper,” I’ll attest to gender neutrality there too!

      My nephew, though, taught me things I never knew before. He had a box where he kept all of his farts. Saving them for later, I suppose.

    • Litterboxjen

      July 2, 2014 at 1:31 pm

      I’d say #1 is gender neutral as it is. I’ve had to tell my daughter to stop grabbing her butt (usually something she does if she’s not wearing a diaper and possibly needs to go to the bathroom — we’re trying to toilet train).

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 1:38 pm

      Oh yes, that’s a good point. My eldest refused to be trained until she was over 3, so by that time she was well versed in keeping her hands off her butt. At least when I could see it.

  3. emilyg25

    July 2, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    Hmm, my husband has had to tell me not to announce when I fart, and I had to ask him to at least put a towel down if he’s going to sit on the couch naked. We’re gonna be great parents!

    • Jennie Blair

      July 2, 2014 at 1:25 pm

      I always (even alone) announce my need to pee. Which usually is followed by “glad you’re potty trained.”

  4. K.

    July 2, 2014 at 1:19 pm

    Um, like half of these I could say to my husband.

    Ladies, he’s taken.

    • Foleygirl24

      July 2, 2014 at 2:34 pm

      Ditto. Especially the announcing of farts thing. I’m glad I’m not the only one!

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    • Emily

      July 3, 2014 at 4:18 am

      With mine, farts are “just bum saying hello!” *facepalm*

  5. Obladi Oblada

    July 2, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    I have made the following statements and wondered what has happened to my life:
    1) Take your hands out of your pants. (At the grocery store.)
    2) Keep your clothes on in the pool. The neighbors are not as fascinated with your tally whacker as you are.
    3) You have to touch your tally whacker when you pee.
    There are more but I’m having trouble coming up with more on the spot.

  6. Melissa

    July 2, 2014 at 1:21 pm

    Can we please stop with the generalization that boys like to be gross/naked and girls do not? I have said every single one of these things – and worse – to my 3 year old daughter (even the peeing things). I’ve grown pretty tired of these “moms of boys” lists floating around the internet, as if only moms with sons know what it’s like to deal with rampant grossness and nakedness. These lists describe ALL kids.

    • JenH1986

      July 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

      Her 1st three lines actually address that this could be a parenting thing, not a boy thing.

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 1:40 pm

      Yeah, it’s the title that doesn’t leave any room for gender neutrality.

    • whiteroses

      July 3, 2014 at 8:09 am

      And since she’s not in charge of writing the title…

    • Blarg

      July 2, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      Congratulations, your daughter is gross. Now can we all just enjoy a funny article without turning it into a discussion on gender equality?

    • Maria Guido

      July 2, 2014 at 7:57 pm

      My article’s been “daughter-jacked.”

    • Melissa

      July 2, 2014 at 8:37 pm

      Believe me, I’m not completely humorless, I just think these “moms of sons” lists have become a bit cliche and unoriginal.

    • LK

      July 2, 2014 at 1:37 pm

      My kids are still young, so we’ll see how things develop, but I gotta agree. I’ve said almost all of this stuff to my daughter. Little kids make universally horrible choices that are disgusting.

    • Spiderpigmom

      July 2, 2014 at 1:53 pm

      This! This so much! There is nothing boy-specific in this list apart from the peeing-sitting-down thing. It’s three-year-old specific at best.

    • Maria Guido

      July 2, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      Well, I did say “My daughter is only one, so she hasn’t developed all the weird and gross habits my son has. For all I know, the following things may totally apply to parenting girls, too.”

    • Greta Young

      July 2, 2014 at 3:43 pm

      Oh, they do. Give it time. I think there’s just a general fascination with bodily functions and physical humor until at least 7… no wait, 17. No… 27? Ugh. My nearly-3 daughter is obsessed with announcing when she farts/burps. Hand down the crack, nose picking/eating? Check, check.

      She HAS to comment on every one of her bowel movements. Every time. “MOMMY LOOK IT’S A REALLY BIG CA-CA! IT’S A BIG ONE!” Super fun in those restaurant/airport/library bathrooms…

    • Melissa

      July 2, 2014 at 8:39 pm

      I realize you did say that, and I’m glad you didn’t automatically generalize to it being a boy thing. But whoever wrote your headline did generalize, which just feeds into the “here’s what moms of boys know” frenzy that I’ve been seeing all over the place lately.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 6:40 pm

      Generally, I would agree but come ON, this list is FUNNY! My son is 2 and my daughter is only 10 months right now, so she hasn’t quite gotten to the gross stage yet. My 4-year-old niece, though? Yeah, she tried to take a shit on the playground while at her playgroup at church. Her reasoning was “because unicorns”.

    • Maria Guido

      July 2, 2014 at 7:56 pm

      I think unicorns is as good a reason as any to shit on a playground.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 10:34 pm

      Seems legit.

    • Jessica

      July 2, 2014 at 9:47 pm

      was it rainbow unicorn poop at least? 😉

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 10:35 pm

      I’m sure it was made of rainbows and sunshine.

  7. Alene

    July 2, 2014 at 1:22 pm

    #1 and #4 are neutral as well. I mean, I don’t want to give my daughter a complex about touching herself, but when there’s poop involved, I would really prefer she didn’t touch her buttcrack and/or genitals. Do me a solid, kid.

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 1:30 pm

      My eldest decided that all poop resembled something. For a while there, it was different dinosaurs. I can’t tell you how many times there was a Chomper (Land Before Time) in the toilet….

    • noodlestein

      July 2, 2014 at 4:40 pm

      Where he belongs.

  8. DeliciousIrony

    July 2, 2014 at 1:27 pm

    Just yesterday I whined to my husband for teaching our 4 year old to pee standing up. It was great when the doodle dangled into the bowl and nothing ended up on my wall, the floor, the sink, the toilet paper roll, the tub…

  9. Litterboxjen

    July 2, 2014 at 1:29 pm

    I fully intend on encouraging my son to pee sitting down until I die. Boys are messy and that extends to grown men (I have seen the results first-hand from male visitors to my apartment and now the guys who occasionally use my washroom). I will go downstairs rather than use my husband’s washroom.

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 1:44 pm

      He probably wouldn’t enjoy my sharing this, but my husband generally pees sitting or kneeling. This is because he has always been the one who cleans the bathroom and he hates cleaning up pee-spray.

    • Litterboxjen

      July 2, 2014 at 2:02 pm

      Hey, I sound like I’m shaming my husband and to some extent I know I am. .I’ve seen it from other guys, though, too.

      (And also I think our standards for cleaning the toilets are different; admittedly I’ll let mine get pretty dirty, but it’s dirty in different places, so I still consider it “acceptable”.)

    • chickadee

      July 2, 2014 at 2:15 pm

      You don’t! My husband is actually the only guy I have ever met who does this.

    • Litterboxjen

      July 2, 2014 at 2:37 pm

      Well, if it makes him feel better, I’ve heard from other guys who say they prefer to pee sitting down. I know one guy said he didn’t realize how much things got everywhere until he took a medication that turned his pee bright orange and he could see the spray all over the room — then he started sitting down on a regular basis.

    • itpainsme2say

      July 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm

      My cousin told me the bathroom was always dirty when her nephews came and she couldn’t figure out what they were doing, it turns out their parents never taught them to hold their dicks when they peed

    • Greta Young

      July 2, 2014 at 3:47 pm

      I know right?! Every single guy’s bathroom ever always has that weird ammonia stench no matter how often they clean/claim to clean it. Nasty.

    • Linzon

      July 2, 2014 at 4:35 pm

      I’m glad my husband is a sitter because I’d prefer our 3-year old not learn to pee standing up until he has a little more control. I mean, if he can get pee all over the seat while sitting down..

  10. biggerthanthesound

    July 2, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    I’ve never had to say the poop thing, maybe just stop talking about it but besides the peeing stuff all of these I have said to my girls, too.

    Forgot to add “Stop making everything into a penis”. I don’t know about your sons, but mine is constantly turning anything round and cylindrical into a penis and shaking it about his crotch area.

    • allisonjayne

      July 2, 2014 at 1:34 pm

      My daughter does that too. Usually while chanting, “I HAVE A PENIS! I HAVE A PENIS!”.

  11. Effervescent Pheasant

    July 2, 2014 at 1:35 pm

    My twins are 22 months old now… I think I say “We don’t touch our brother’s penis” about 5 times a day… I have had to resort to taking them in a separate room to change them since they are obsessed with one another’s penis… Ahhhh… But on the other hand.. TEEN age girls? I can’t even describe the things I’ve had to say about tampons, pads, dirty bloody underwear, sheets… bedding… good flipping LORD help me… Seriously.. EW.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 4:20 pm

      I honestly believe teenagers are overgrown toddlers.

  12. allisonjayne

    July 2, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    I’ve said a lot of these to my daughter. Though I think I have the mentality sometimes of a 12 year old boy, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that she’s following in my footsteps.

    I also know a grown man who refuses to pee standing up. I asked him about it and he got really weirded out, then quiet, then changed the subject, so I’m assuming there’s some kind of emotional urinal-related story there.

    • Megan Zander

      July 2, 2014 at 3:08 pm

      I had an ex who peed sitting down. He said it was comfortable. I always thought it was weird.

    • allisonjayne

      July 2, 2014 at 3:46 pm

      Right? It’s like the only thing I ever envy about dudes (aside from like, all of the patriarchy I guess). I would love to be able to pee standing up! If you can, why on earth wouldn’t you???

      I mean, I guess I technically can, it just gets all over my shoes. Not that I know from experience of anything.

    • Rachel Sea

      July 2, 2014 at 5:07 pm

      It takes practice.

    • allisonjayne

      July 3, 2014 at 11:28 am

      I’m guessing I’d have to practice sober to get it right though.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 4:19 pm

      Mine said the same thing! I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

    • Ashley

      July 2, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      If I had a penis, I would definitely take advantage of standing up when it was convenient (I would go camping in places that don’t have toilets!), but I honestly think I would sit a lot. I don’t see the point in standing every time! Then you have to aim, and clean up your splashes. Sitting seems like the way to go.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 4:19 pm

      My ex-fiance peed sitting. It was weird.

    • Linzon

      July 2, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      My husband is a sitter but these days I think it’s mostly so he can use his iPhone.

  13. Marci

    July 2, 2014 at 1:36 pm

    I must have an exceptionally gross girl because 4,5, and 6 are the only ones I haven’t said. Well, I haven’t said 7 either, but now I’m wondering if I should have at some point.

    • LK

      July 2, 2014 at 1:39 pm

      No, they are all gross. I think just must eventually get that biz under control or something.

  14. Kate

    July 2, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    OMG it’s like your son and my son are long lost brothers. Everything about this is the story of my life! LOL.

  15. liz

    July 2, 2014 at 1:52 pm

    My four year old is obsessed with bodily noises right now. I’ve had to have a talk with him about how it’s not appropriate to sit on people and toot on them.

  16. Katherine Handcock

    July 2, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    This is totally a kid thing, unrelated to gender. I think every baby comes out and rolls the dice to see which 4 – 6 of these things they’re going to do.

    • Spiderpigmom

      July 2, 2014 at 2:01 pm

      Lol. My three year old got 2, 3 and 7. I’m so relieved I’m not the only one with a 2-and-7 kid, I keep wondering why-oh-why he does that (was I wrong to breastfeed until 20 mo, am I not firm enough about physical boundaries etc etc)

    • LadyClodia the Modest Rat

      July 2, 2014 at 2:12 pm

      When he hit 2 1/2 my toddler suddenly would yell “Boobs!” and do everything he could to grab mine. Once he did it at gym class while we were at opposite ends of the big mat and he was running at me with his hands out to grab me. That was also around the same time that he decided it was hilarious to try to kick me in the crotch while he was sitting in the cart while we were grocery shopping.

  17. Cruelty Cupcake

    July 2, 2014 at 2:21 pm

    The other night, I was saying goodnight to my son and he smacked my chest and said, “Bye boobs!”

  18. Boozy Shark Lee

    July 2, 2014 at 2:25 pm

    Conversation with my 2 year old last week:

    “Touch my penis mama. Come on, touch it.”
    “Buddy, where are your pants. Time to put them back on.”
    “Come on mama, touch my penis. Twy it. Twy my penis. You’ll like it.” (If your kid watches Gabba you’ll understand that)
    “No, buddy. The only time anyone but you should touch your penis is if you have an owie on it or if we are helping you get clean in the bath.”
    “But mama, twy my penis. You’ll like it.”
    “That’s it. Pants, NOW!”

    • Greta Young

      July 2, 2014 at 3:48 pm

      Aaahahahahahahaha oh man, make sure that goes in the baby book. 🙂

    • aliceblue

      July 2, 2014 at 8:44 pm

      Not so great from a 2 y.o. but could be fun from a S.O.

  19. Michelle Pittman

    July 2, 2014 at 2:27 pm

    i don’t think it gets any better as they get older – i have a 10 year old & 13 year old (both boys) and have said (with some regularity):
    ~ please get the jock strap and dirty cup off the table/counter/etc. – that’s where we eat!
    ~ just flush the stinking toilet – i don’t care HOW big the turd is
    ~ are you even TRYING to aim or do you pretend to be blind when you pee?
    ~ stop trying to get everyone to poke your butt, i get it, it’s rock hard

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 6:47 pm

      LOL! Are they trying to get other people to see their huge turd? I had an ex who did that, too. At the age of 23.

    • aliceblue

      July 2, 2014 at 8:43 pm

      And “mean” money makes the flush it. No wonder they want i-phones.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 2, 2014 at 10:37 pm

      Well, you know, a picture lasts longer!

  20. Foleygirl24

    July 2, 2014 at 2:31 pm

    Don’t hurry the pee standing up thing… then you have a whole other issue to deal with. Namely, cleaning pee off of the entire bathroom!

    • Jem

      July 2, 2014 at 2:45 pm

      my husband said his mom used to put cheerios in the toilet and tell him to aim for the cheerios. Supposedly this made less messes.

    • Foleygirl24

      July 2, 2014 at 4:16 pm

      We did that too. Worked for a while until it stopped being fun. His new thing now (and he’s been potty trained for almost 2 years) is that he shakes his butt, while peeing, and cheers “Go penis, go penis, go go go penis!”.

    • allisonjayne

      July 2, 2014 at 3:41 pm

      And now I’m reminded of why my mom was so grossed out every time we had my grandfather over in his last few years. Parkinson’s disease + extremely stubborn old man = pee ALL OVER the bathroom.

    • M.

      July 2, 2014 at 4:57 pm

      Yeah, I have a 14 year old stepson and we’re CONSTANTLY on him to clean up his pee mess. I’d understand a 5 year old, but by 14 these problems should be ironed out. Why can’t they aim!?

  21. Mad Overlord

    July 2, 2014 at 2:33 pm

    OMG the boobs. Leave my boobs alone!
    I guess it’s like father like daughter…

  22. Stephanie

    July 2, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    I have said all of the above to my daughters.

  23. Rachel Sea

    July 2, 2014 at 2:34 pm

    I was kind of expecting a list of ten places from which you’ve told your son to remove his penis. Except for trying to get him to stand and pee, these aren’t boy specific.

  24. Jem

    July 2, 2014 at 2:50 pm

    My 2 year old son is starting potty training and now is obsessed with talking about peeing/pooping. But he doesn’t realize it’s rude at all. So He’ll ask random people in public “you pee?” “you pooping?” I have said so many times the last few weeks “not everyone likes talking about peeing/pooping. It’s not polite”. He even cheers for me and my husband when we come out of the bathroom. It’s adorable, but strangers do stare when he asks them/cheers for them. It makes sense as we are potty training him but it is one of those unintended things that came up that I never even realized would.

  25. Joye77

    July 2, 2014 at 3:13 pm

    The day I heard myself say , ” Don’t sit on your brother’s head.” I knew my life will never be the same. I’m the only female in a home of 4 guys, only one of which actually picks his towels up off the floor, ( And that took several years of marriage)

  26. Kat

    July 2, 2014 at 3:18 pm

    What’s wrong with sitting on the couch naked?! I do it all the time! Lol. If he’s out of diapers & control himself, he can sit naked, too, dammit! Lol!

  27. Ursi

    July 2, 2014 at 3:19 pm

    I hear 8 from my spouse quite often…

  28. guest

    July 2, 2014 at 3:20 pm

    Ugh, nothing drives me crazier than any child who points out boobs, tries to touch boobs, etc. It is on par with the kid who walks up and goes “you have a zit!” If your kid tried to grab my boob..I would smack him away so I’m glad you’re working on it.
    Also, my MIL used to make my BIL pee sitting down and even as an adult now he does this most of the time (from what I’m told). It is disturbing to me.

  29. middleofnowheremom

    July 2, 2014 at 3:37 pm

    Once, you’ve touched something with your wiener you can NOT eat it!

  30. Courtney Lynn

    July 2, 2014 at 3:43 pm

    #s 1, 8 and 10, my 2 year old son is guilty of. I laughed so hard! On #1, I once walked into the living room. My boy is in front of the TV watching an On the Border commercial for endless tacos. His hand is in the back of his diaper, scratching away as he stares blankly at the TV and says, “Taaaaaaaaaacccccooooooooo”. For 8, every. time. he farts, he giggles, points to his butt and says, “Fart” then tries to imitate the exact sound his butt just made whether it’s a fairly quiet one or one that could disturb our neighbors. My husband loves that. He also points out other people’s farts, even his stuffed toys. For 10, he’s been known to get right out of the tub, no towel and go straight into the living room bare assed. For about a week’s time, he went through a brief stage of absolutely refusing the diaper. My husband came home to a naked toddler. Apparently, it runs in the family as my husband says his younger brothers did exactly the same.

    ETA: #11 NO! You can NOT touch the dog’s butthole!

  31. angelina ♥

    July 2, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    No general, Put your pee-pee away? I knew my kid was weird…

  32. Guy C

    July 2, 2014 at 3:53 pm

    Hmm, whereas in Germany they encourage sitting down to pee for everyone. Less splash back and less mess all round. If he wants to sit down to pee then let the little butt-entranced boobie-feeling booger-eater! It’s not like he’s running out of vices!

  33. WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

    July 2, 2014 at 4:24 pm

    My daughter is the boob freak. I can not allow her in the room while I change my shirt… “MY BEST FRIENDS!!!!” She screams as she barrels toward me, arms out stretched all 13yr old boy-like.

    • noodlestein

      July 2, 2014 at 4:30 pm

      Bahahahaha! I can see why that would be less than awesome to live with, but this story certainly brightened my day up!

    • WhoremonalCrazyLotusBitch

      July 2, 2014 at 5:31 pm

      It’s bad enough in the privacy of my home, but when we’re out to dinner and she leans in to give me the old bump-bump, pushing them up a couple of times while I spaghetti arm to get her hands off my boobs….uhgghh… *hangs head*.

  34. Rya

    July 2, 2014 at 4:37 pm

    The adult maes in my boys’ lives pee sitting down and mine did too until my oldest went to school and saw other boys stand to pee. Now he pees all over everything in the bathroom and I wish he would have just peed sitting down forever. There’s nothing wrong with that at all!

    • Rya

      July 2, 2014 at 4:38 pm

      *males …ugh sometimes my phone won’t let me edit anything after I typed it.

    • Katherine Handcock

      July 3, 2014 at 6:22 am

      Letting my son pee standing up was a critical step for him. I reluctantly agreed to try it, and not only did he gave good aim, he cleaned up the couple of drops that missed WITHOUT ME TELLING HIM TO.

      I figure he’s making up for the rotten sleeper he is 😉

  35. noodlestein

    July 2, 2014 at 4:45 pm

    My goddaughter used to stick her hand down women’s tops and palm their boobs as a comfort thing, but as she got older, she progressed to nipple pinching. This led to me having to say, in public, ‘nipples are not for pinching!’ To which her mom replied (as a joke to me, obvs) ‘weelll, unless you like it!’ The nipple pincher then replies, ‘*I* wike it!’ And I had to tell her that, I, in fact didn’t. We finally had to teach her to pinch her own nipples. Glad that stage is over!

  36. M.

    July 2, 2014 at 4:54 pm

    What is with the hands in the butt??? Just today my 3 year old son came over and showed me his finger and said “something yucky on there!” After confirming the something yucky, I asked him where he’d put his finger and he proudly exclaimed “in mine own butt!” Sadly this wasn’t the first time…

  37. Hibbie

    July 2, 2014 at 5:22 pm

    My daughter is obsessed with boobs. I have had the privacy talk with her about 25 times and she doesn’t give a fuck. The other day she grabbed my boob and screamed “HONK, HONK!” She also loves to inform me and her father (and Lord help me no one else) that Mommy has boobs and Daddy doesn’t because Daddy is a man. I really hope this phase ends soon.

  38. Amanda

    July 2, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    Swing and a miss, Maria. With the exception of the “you can’t sit to pee/come watch Daddy pee” bit, these allllllll get used with girls as well.

    To replace the ones directly related to a penis, I’d sub in “your vagina is not a purse, stop putting crayons/popcorn/beads in there” and “please don’t pee like a dog when we’re at the playground.”

  39. anon

    July 2, 2014 at 8:30 pm

    ENCOURAGE the peeing sitting down!! Much cleaner bathroom!!

  40. neighbor57

    July 2, 2014 at 9:06 pm

    Just wait until BALLS! Everything is about balls — pinching them, pulling on them, stretching the sack out, shoving tennis balls into shorts to make huge balls.. Mom, look at my big balls! Mom, one of my balls is missing. Mom, Mom, my balls are moving on their own!

    Oh, and the day I told him (at mini golf) not to touch others’ balls… We can’t play mini golf anymore without falling down laughing.

  41. Jenna

    July 2, 2014 at 9:53 pm

    I’m tired of the gender stereotypes. With the exceptions of #5 and 6, I’m sure the rest are said to girls quite often. This must mean it must be OK for girls to touch other peoples’ breasts. It is not.

  42. Tiffany

    July 2, 2014 at 10:43 pm

    Around here, it’s more “hands off your penis” than out of your butt, but (hee hee) that’s just us. The pants, though, totally. I have answered “do we need to wear pants today?” sooo many times!! Yes, has there ever been a day when you didn’t? “Well, no…”

    • Katherine Handcock

      July 3, 2014 at 6:20 am

      My answer is, “Nope, as long as you’re going to stay in your bedroom all day.” The prospect of no food, water, etc. usually convinces the pants to go on 😉

  43. C.J.

    July 3, 2014 at 1:18 am

    I don’t have boys, I have 2 girls. Luckily they have grown out of the hands down the pants and touching boobs stage. I drive carpool. Do you want to know what the favourite subjects of a van full of 9 to 11 year old girls are? Butts and farting. They will spend the whole 30 minute drive talking about butts and farting, complete with high pitched giggling. It drives me crazy!

  44. Buffy

    July 3, 2014 at 4:18 am

    With the exception of 6 it also applies to girls 🙁

  45. Lackadaisical

    July 3, 2014 at 7:43 am

    This is, alas, a list of false promises to mothers of daughters. Admittedly I have never tried to make my daughter wee standing up or watch her dad urinate for inspiration on technique but I now feel cheated that my daughter isn’t a delicate flower of ladylike femininity. To be fair all her female friends at school are sweet girly girls who never laugh at the word poo and don’t find farts hilarious, which is such a pity for my daughter as she loves making jokes that are pretty much shouting “poo” and giggling. Basically my daughter is far more 5 year old boy than either of her brothers ever were.

  46. Portia Mount

    July 3, 2014 at 10:03 am

    As proof that he is REALLY clean my four year old will say, “Mommy, I AM clean. Smell hands, smell my feet and smell my butt!” without a trace of irony. #Iamgonnajusttakehiswordforit

  47. Ddaisy

    July 3, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    You’d be amazed how many of these apply not only to parents but also to elementary school teachers…

  48. julesgilead

    July 3, 2014 at 9:12 pm

    My brother is fifteen years old and he still does the “I farted” thing. Damn.

  49. Ezzy666

    July 24, 2014 at 9:08 am

    One thing I never thought I would ever to do as a teacher is talk to boys about not dropping their pants all the way down when they used the urinals. I heard a commotion in the boys room announced I was going to go in if it didn’t stop and had to walk in to ask why there was so much yelling and why on little boy was crying. A fourth grader told me it started because some of the boys had flashed their bottoms when using the urinals and one of them started to cry when the other kids told him not to. He noticed I looked confused and said your only supposed to and then got to embarrassed to go on.. Oh you mean bathroom etiquette is to only lower take out or lower what you have to, got it. And then he tells me oh yeah and they should only look straight ahead and not peek at the other kids.

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