By the time the weekend rolls around, there is so much dry shampoo in my hair, it could hide treasures. I have very light blonde hair, so washing requires 3 steps: regular shampoo, purple shampoo, and a 10-minute Olaplex leave-in. That's, like, 13 minutes right there. And then I'm tired, so there goes my night! But clean hair > drinks over awkward conversation, every damn day.
Date night is the perfect night to inflict pain on yourself in the form of a Dermaroller! I love my skin, and I love taking care of my skin, even if it hurts like a bitch. I use this Dermaroller, and follow it up with actual snail goo, like this one. I may be the only single person I know, but my skin looks fucking FANTASTIC, so I consider it time well-spent.
Now, this only happens about twice a month, if that. I have two kids, and they're with me 99.8% of the time. So when I have an ENTIRE NIGHT FREE FROM CHILDREN? You bet your ass I'm sitting on my couch and eating all the good cheese and salami that I've hidden in the produce bin of the fridge. Snuggie not required, but it does help as a crumb catcher.
This is another one that falls in the "Better When the Kids are Gone" category, so again, this isn't part of my regular single on a Saturday night rotation. But when I have the TV all to myself, I don't need to watch Trolls for the 193744th time! Not saying I don't end up watching Trolls, but it's on my terms, dammit.
[ALSO READ: 10 Dating 'Mistakes' Single Moms Make]
I don't have to worry about driving, someone spiking my drink, or stopping at two when I really want a third because this guy's story about how he learned the value of life through baseball is like listening to paint dry. Canned wine right out of the can? Hell yeah. Glasses are for company.
No, I don't mean ACTUAL baby feet, although those are adorable and delightful. I mean doing a Baby Feet foot peel. It's this amazing and horrific mask you put on your feet. For 5 days, your feet feel like blocks of leather. Then begins the glorious purge and peel. It's ... not for the faint of heart or stomach. But I'd be lying if I said I haven't gotten literal hours of entertainment out of removing entire sheets of dead skin from my feet following a mask. I have pictures, but I will spare you those. I use this one here.
Our weeks are so hectic and busy and non-stop. Even though I am almost NEVER without one or both of my kids, it can feel like we don't get a lot of quality time together. So when a weekend rolls around, and we don't have anything planned? You bet your ass I'm hanging at home with my girls, watching them make slime while they drive me up a fucking wall. MEMORIES!
I have a weird thing about my feet: I don't like them to be touched. So I rarely get professional pedicures, opting rather to do my own nails. I like to peel my own feet, and I like to paint my own nails. Great way to spend a date night, if you ask me.
At this point, I haven't shaved my legs in so long that my pajama pants stick to my leg hair, creating a constant stream of static electricity. I use that like a super power and chase my kids around, zapping them with my fire finger. But every once in a while, I get to the point where it's time to shave, which can take an hour. I tell myself it's in case I do end up on a date at some point, but really, it's because I've reached peak Yeti and am repulsing myself.
Let's be honest, what sounds like more fun: making small talk with some guy you accidentally swiped right on when you found a crumb on your phone, or finally tackling the disaster that is your closet? Feng shui, Konmari, take a trash bag to everything you own, whatever you want. It feels good to get rid of unwanted junk! It feels even better to get rid of it while avoiding tacking on more in the form of a dead-end relationship.
Listen, if you don't take the time to take the quizzes, how else will you ever know what kind of condiment you'd be or where you should live based on your shoe size? Sure, one quiz doesn't take up a lot of time. But you can't take just one. And then you have to factor in all the time you'll spend retaking the quizzes with different answers because your first result was too depressing. Whoops, now it's bedtime!
Snuggling in my bed in my jammies > leaving my house when it's cold outside. Bonus points for being asleep before the time of the reservation you cancelled so you could stay in.
Why should I go out and actually live when I can live vicariously through my much more exciting friends on social media? And all from the comfort of my own couch, with my own night cheese and my own can of wine.
I keep getting new books, making my book stack even bigger. I can't really read them during the week, because my kids are insane and I have a shit ton of work to get through, but weekends are prime reading time! And if you read a romance novel, it's almost like you're not sitting at home alone, with peeling feet and a freshly-needled face.
LOL, OK so I don't really do this. But maybe I should! Let's bring back letter-writing as a form of communication! I'd have to work on my penmanship though. Which is another month of date-avoidance right there!
Sometimes I offer to help my oldest rehearse her dance competition routines and she looks at me with a mixture of horror and pity. But goddamn do I love to dance. And practicing my moves at home just means I'll be REALLY ready to take this show out in public ... eventually.
And not the fun werk. I mean actual work. 9 times out of 10, my week gets the best of me, and I almost always have work to catch up on over the weekend. And since that work actually puts money in my bank account, it will ALWAYS be preferable to actually going out. Plus I love my jobs, so that helps.