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The Last 7 Days Of Winter Break Through A Parent’s Eyes

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One more week, you guys! Just seven more days till the kids go back to school, and if you’re anything like me, you are feeling it. Hard.

The first week of break was pretty easy, because I had family in town, and it was Christmas, and hurray! But now family is gone, Christmas is over, and kids don’t give a fig about the New Year. This is how the next seven days are going to go:

1. Monday, December 29th

Most people have gone back to work, and now it’s just you and the kids. But this is going to be great! You’ll have a whole week to play together with the new toys they just got! But hark — I believe your child just asked if they could download a new game for the iPad. Yes, less than a week after Christmas. Life couldn’t really be that unfair though, could it? Surely they will spend hours and hours with all the gifts they asked for, right?

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 2. Tuesday, December 30th

Day One did not go entirely as planned. There was a small amount of resistance to the ideas of “kindness” and “tolerance.” But today you have something big planned: today you are going to go to the zoo or the aquarium or the local play center and your kids are going to move around and get tired and have fun and you are going to have moments where you don’t have to talk, and it’s going to be awesome.

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3. Wednesday, December 31st

You know what, who needs to go out to have a good time? Certainly not your ungrateful, lazy, “I’m too tired to walk even though I’ve been sitting on my butt for a week” kids. No, we’ll have some good old fashioned indoor fun on this New Year’s Eve. We’ll have a little party with sparkling cider and party hats! The kids can stay up as late as they want, and we will ring in the New Year together as an adorable family.

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4. Thursday, January 1st

Your New Year’s Eve party didn’t go as planned, mainly because your kids fell asleep and 10pm and then woke up at 2am screaming at you for making them miss the fireworks. But hey, now it’s 2015! Remember, before you had kids, when the New Year meant change? When it meant that you could create a whole new you if you so desired? But now that you have kids it’s just the same shit in a different year? You might wake up on January 1st with dreams of doing things differently, but instead you’re still getting yelled at for not putting enough butter on your kid’s toast. Again. Your optimism lasted as long as the two-minute pee you had when you first got up this morning. Now, it’s time for despair. Let the kids do whatever they want today — you’ve got major life choices to beat yourself up over.

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5. Friday, January 2nd

I learned hours after this was published that I skipped a day. That’s because I am not what they call “detail-oriented.” So let’s say that on Friday you took a shot every time your kids said, “Mom,” and your partner had to take a hammer to their privates every time the kids called for them.

6. Saturday, January 3rd

Hey. Shhhhhh. I think it’s the weekend! That means not only can you dump some of the parenting off on others, but school starts on Monday. Just one more day to get through, and then tomorrow is the last day of break. Today, maybe you can summon the energy to play one more game of Battleship, or to drag your kids to a museum, or do something else parents are supposed to do with their kids because you no longer have to save up your patience and energy for anything! School starts in two days! Let’s blow our wad on fun!

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6. Sunday, January 4th

You did it. Do you hear me? You did it. The kids go back to school tomorrow, you forced them to do an activity yesterday, and today you can just peace out. When other parents ask what you did over the weekend, you can say, “Well, we went to the petting zoo on Saturday, but then on Sunday we decided to just take it easy and hang out at home.” Every parent knows that that means you were done, you couldn’t give a poop, and the kids had microwaved popcorn for breakfast and a bowl of cereal for dinner. Because you made it through the whole week. And you are the champion, my friend.

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