Oh, Thanksgiving. I have sort of a love/hate relationship with the holiday. LOVE the food. HATE the sometimes stressful and uncomfortable family gatherings. This year in particular, the holidays are going to be interesting. Kind of hard to break bread peacefully with your great Aunt Shirley after you blocked her racist-ass on Facebook, you know what I mean? If you're getting together with family this year, there's a chance you'll have to spend time around some pretty shitty people. Luckily for you, we've identified the problematic relatives, and offer you Thanksgiving cocktail pairings for getting through the day intact. More or less.
Your drunk uncle gets completely shit-faced every single year. And when he's had a few, his tongue gets a little loose. No telling what you'll be forced to listen to this year. Plus his shaky hands slosh gravy all over
Homes all over the country are going to be dealing with this awkwardness this holiday season. Because there's one in EVERY family. If you have a policy about not discussing politics at Thanksgiving, stick with it. If you don't, a delicious cocktail might help.
Maybe you're the super conservative Trump lover! Lord knows there's still plenty of them out there. The last thing you want to do is sit next to your cousin, the LIBERAL, and listen to them blather on about free health care and the environment. Drink up, patriot.
Your sister graduated magna cum waaaaaaaaay higher than you did. Now she's either a high-powered executive or married very well, and never misses the chance to rub it your face. She probably has a purse so expensive she stores it in the closet during dinner, rather than on the floor like everyone else.
Your brother is a lot of fun, but he always seems to have negative money. The only time he shoots you a text is to ask if you can spot him rent money for the month. Which is weird, because he sleeps on a couch in his friend's basement.
This is the relative that still uses the "n" word in casual conversation and is sending Trump money for the wall. You brought your Asian boyfriend to a family function and this person pulled the sides of their eyes out and spoke gibberish "Chinese" to them. No one really knows why they keep getting invited, but sure enough, they never miss a single party.
Why aren't you married yet? Have you gained weight? Can you feel your eggs die off as your chance for kids slips farther away? Are you STILL a teacher? She means well ... maybe. Or maybe she's just a raging bitch who should mind her own business.
Your folks hate each others guts, but for reasons no one seems to understand, they remain steadfast in staying married to each other. Everything they do is instantly and ruthlessly criticized by the other. Your mom likes to tell humiliating stories about that time your dad couldn't perform in bed. Your dad calls your mom "fat-ass" and insists it's a term of endearment.
You're the same age, but whereas you have decided that kids aren't for you at the moment, she's been having them for the both of you. Every time you see her, she's got a new kid. She'll bring all 7 to Thanksgiving, and not watch a single goddamn one of them. One of the little darlings will stick a dog toy in the pumpkin pie, and she'll laugh and post it about on Facebook.
You were always grandpa's favorite. Until you went to a liberal arts school. And then had the nerve to go into social work, when LEARNING A TRADE was good enough for him and should be good enough for you, goddamnit. Now you've got tattoos and a girlfriend, and you know how he feels about lesbians.
Your sister is a sophomore in college, which is where she met the guy she's brought home to meet the family. The guy who, you would bet good money, isn't a student at her school so much as a member of the faculty. Your sister is "mature for her age", but this guy has bottles of wine who were corked before she was out of diapers.
Your brother came out to you when he was 12, but he hasn't told anyone else in the family that he's gay. He's brought home a series of "roommates" over the years, but your family is either shockingly dense or prefers not to mention the very flamboyant elephant in the room.
Your grandma is the actual sweetest person alive, and her innocence and naivete are good for your soul. She gasps every time you color your hair, doesn't have a computer and her phone still plugs into the wall, and she would drop dead straight away if she knew about all of your tattoos. Trying to explain your job as social media curator at Buzzfeed to her is like trying to explain quantum physics to a toddler, in Portuguese.
Your aunt and uncle take Christmas excitement to a whole new level. They require you give them your list in March, they put up their tree in August, and by October, the fake snow machine is blowing full-blast, turning their rambler in Oklahoma into a winter wonderland. They will both be wearing ugly Christmas sweaters, because that's all they wear after November 1st. Also, they don't think they're ugly.