Dumb Teen Has Sex With Tasty Snacks Because Teens Are Hungry For Microwave Food, Fame, And Sex

In breaking news of “kids these days” and “bad social media bad” and “why did I ever have boys?”, some idiotic teen uses social media for all the wrong reasons to gain pointless Internet fame.

This ingenious or awful kid pulled an American Pie rip-off and posted a Vine video of himself sexing brown-sugar cinnamon Pop Tarts.

Ugh, boys will be boys and all that stuff, but I don’t ever want to think of my sons doing terrible things to their favorite junk foods and then posting it for all the world to see on social media. And of course””this young man also has the Twitter handle Thot Pocket @VERSACEPOPTARTS.

Once Vine removed the clip of the teen’s nasty Pop Tart sexcapade, Thot Pocket tried to drum up some interest from his equally twisted Twitter followers. I know you’re waiting for the great Hot Pocket penetration, and I promise you that we are getting there.

This little jerk’s Internet fame spread like wildfire after he promised to “fuck a Hot Pocket” on Vine for the small price of 420 retweets. He also wanted all of his followers to know that the Hot Pocket would be heated beforehand. Commotion ensued, and his Twitter account was ultimately suspended.

Now that he’s a famous Hot Pocket penetrator, this dumb teen has been all over the Internet. Here are a few excerpts from his intriguing interview:

I run a 100K page, @pizzaminati, that I started a few months ago because I got out of high school and I’m not going to school now or any shit, I’m just working full time. So I just started talking about pizza””just, like, all pizza tweets””and then all these large-ass accounts just stole my tweets, like my original writing. A couple months later I hit 100K and there were all these other pages about pizza that just take my tweets all day. So I kind of just took my personal [account] and fucked around a bit, and then all these kids were pissing me off so I just posted, like”¦I did much more crazy shit than just fuck a Hot Pocket and a Pop Tarts box.

I don’t know what to think of this, but I can’t overlook the fact that I’m a mom of boys. I’m no stick-up-the-ass mom, I promise you that. But I also kind of want to punch this kid in the face for gaining Internet fame through Hot Pocket sex. I’m positive that punching is not the best way to deal with an unruly teenager, so I’m open to suggestions.

(Image: Brent Hofacker/Shutterstock)