Are You There, Moms? It’s Me, Idiot.

Nothing delights the Mommyish writers more than explaining the more horrifying aspects of parenting to me, the wide-eyed idiot who’s never pushed a baby out of an orifice. Every time I think I’ve learned the most disgusting aspect of pregnancy, birth, or parenting, they throw a word like “prolapse” at me and I have to excuse myself to get a breath of fresh air.

As you all know, I’m a dumb shit 20-something trying to decide if and when kids are for me. I’m hoping you all can help me by answering some questions I haveI don’t trust the Internet, but I trust all of you. I’ve heard people say there are no stupid questions, but to that I say “challenge accepted.”

If I ever have kids, communication about sex stuff would be very important to me, since I learned how to intercourse from Internet forums, and as such I am definitely really good at it. I would want my kids to know literally everything about their bodies, safe sex practices, consent, and so forth. Eventually, I’m going to ask you to explain how you all did “the talk,” but this week, I want to know how you handle your teens hooking up in the house. For instance, my parents had a pretty laissez-faire approach to letting guys come over, but also kept “forgetting” to schedule my orthodontist appointments, thereby keeping me in braces until I was 17 years old. This pretty much ensured that sex wasn’t happening for most of my high school career, but I know that all parents can’t just trap their kids in unattractive orthodontia.

So what are we working with, here? No closed door policy? Let it happen but convince yourself they’re studying? Slip a condom under the door? Walk me through this.