Pregnancy

Baby Fat: I Need A Vacation…. From Getting Pregnant

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When I (finally) decided I was ready to get pregnant, my mental process went something like this:

 

-Date to “start trying” decided – CHECK!

-Next nine months mentally blocked off – CHECK!

-One full year mentally blocked off until I would feel 100% like myself again post-baby* – CHECK! (*I realize this is veryaggressive, but a girl can dream.)

Clearly I hadn’t fully taken into account how long it could take to actually get pregnant. Or the mental drain of “Am I?” or “Am I not?” each month.

 

And I’m not talking about the stress of wondering: Why it’s taking so long?  Because that’s a whole other discussion.  I’m talking about the day-to day whiney stress of:

 

Should I buy a new pair of nice jeans or will I be pregnant by next month and won’t be able to zip them up for the next year?

 

Getting invited to a wine tasting weekend early fall and having no idea if that will be such a fun activity when the date actually arrives.

 

The hot yoga studio I want to join has a 4-month initial commitment. Will they refund my money if I get pregnant? They better refund my money if I get pregnant!

 

And of course there’s just the constant conflict of treating my body like the baby making temple it could be one minute…and then deciding to just go about my life and not think about it at all the next (the latter is a proven approach for many people! And so is the former…)

 

I always assumed that once I got pregnant it would obviously consume my thoughts.  But the “Seriously, just tell me so I can mark my freakin calendar already!” I was not prepared for.  Like I said, it’s not the “Where’s MY baby!?” thoughts.  It’s just the annoyance at the inability to fully plan my life without a huge lurking unknown that is really starting to get old.

 

So a “vacation from getting pregnant” is a great idea if you’ve been at this for a little awhile.  You don’t necessarily have to go anywhere either if that’s too hard.  But just putting a designated mental “timeout” on the process can be healthy for everyone involved.  Even just for a few days.  It’s easy to get tunnel vision about this and sometimes it’s just nice to get back in touch with the person you were, before you were the person trying to get pregnant.

 

I have a friend who recently had to have non-fertility related surgery but was told not to try for a baby for at least six months afterward.  They had been trying for a while leading up to this.  Afterwards she said that the surgery happened at the perfecttime.  They were given permission to take a break, or a forced “vacation”, and just shelving getting pregnant was beyond refreshing.  She had no idea how nice it would be to take a hiatus from the unknown.

 

I have a number of new mom friends that have begged me to enjoy the fact that it’s taking some time to get pregnant.  They must have all talked because they say the same exact same thing – “Enjoy it while it lasts because your life will never be the same!” Though some women without children might not want to hear that advice, I do think it makes a lot of sense.  It’s easy to focus on what you don’t have and forget how much you do.  And to be perfectly honest, the extra non-pregnant time that I didn’t know I was getting has really been a blessing and time well spent.  It’s prepared me well for when the big day finally arrives when I find out I actually am pregnant.

 

That’s just my how I’m seeing things today.  But if I can indulge in just one more whiney moment about all this uncertainty – my wardrobe really is suffering because of all this baby limbo!

27 Comments

  1. Eve Vawter

    June 24, 2014 at 12:11 pm

    “I’m your mommy and your my baby” hahahahahahah BEST

  2. chickadee

    June 24, 2014 at 12:20 pm

    The baby is going to eat up a lot of your actual time as well as mental time when it arrives, so live THIS time as though pregnancy is not an issue. Otherwise you risk putting your life on hold.

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 24, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      Agreed! Limbo land is not a fun place to be and it’s up to you to get yourself out of it.

    • Rachel Sea

      June 24, 2014 at 1:01 pm

      Telling a woman to act as though it isn’t an issue is even worse than telling her to “just relax.”

      When you are infertile and trying, you life does go on hold, there is no avoiding it. I had ultrasound after ultrasound after ultrasound, drugs that had to be injected on a schedule, and I had to choose between having the glass of wine and possibly adversely affecting the outcome of a cycle, or not having the wine and possibly not getting pregnant anyway. Until you actually get pregnant, life is in limbo.

    • chickadee

      June 24, 2014 at 8:23 pm

      Sorry-didn’t read this as an infertility issue but more of a it’s not easy to schedule issue.

  3. JenH1986

    June 24, 2014 at 12:26 pm

    We didn’t go anywhere. We just stopped trying and as we speak I’m enjoying a Monster Energy Drink. I haven’t had one of those in forever because 1-they are awful for you 2- they are really awful for a baby 3-they are really awful if you’re trying to make a baby. It’s not even been a month of not trying and (not thinking about it) and I’m already feeling MUCH better. That being said. I should have angled for a Vegas vacation…

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 24, 2014 at 12:41 pm

      I love that you vice is Monster drinks! Enjoy guzzling that sucker down and glad to hear your “breather” has been good!

    • JenH1986

      June 24, 2014 at 12:48 pm

      I love these things. It’s so unhealthy (I never gave up wine because, why?!). I would still be off them for a weekend in Vegas though!

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      June 25, 2014 at 10:18 am

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    • guest

      June 24, 2014 at 1:21 pm

      Mmm, if you like Monster you should try one of the Mountain Dew Kickstarts… all the flavors are delicious especially black cherry. I may or may not be newly addicted to them after I got a free one at an event.

    • JenH1986

      June 24, 2014 at 1:42 pm

      I didn’t much care for those! I tried because they are so much cheaper. But it appears that you can pry a Monster out of my cold dead hands. If we ever have a kid that’s gonna be my benchmark of sacrifice. Not “I gave up my body!” “Not I’m fucking broke for you!” but “I gave up Monster for you! Now clean your damn room!”

  4. Wicked Prophet Kay Sue

    June 24, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    I think you just jumped Vegas to the top of the places that I am going to go after my youngest graduates high school, when I load up in my RV and refuse to leave a forwarding address.

    You’ve definitely earned it. I hope you enjoyed it. And a vacation from each other sounds perfect after all of the efforts you’ve put into being together… a lot…if you know what I mean.

  5. guest

    June 24, 2014 at 1:20 pm

    Ugh yes! We haven’t even seriously set a timetable yet and already I was like well what about this trip…what about that run… what about these classes I want to do? We ended up deciding next year is our best option so for now I have relief of not worrying but that has to be a giant pain in the ass when you are trying but aren’t sure of the time..and what you can and can’t do…

    • Stephanie Jackson

      June 24, 2014 at 2:12 pm

      Welcome to the world of trying to get pregnant. And it totally starts before it even really starts!

    • guest

      June 24, 2014 at 2:29 pm

      That statement is so beyond true. I feel like I’ve been “planning” for years and we’re not even at the start point… we’re in the pre-prep-start point. Oy vey.

  6. Zettai

    June 24, 2014 at 2:38 pm

    Taking a break from trying is probably best for your sex life anyway. As much as I’d like to say that trying to get pregnant was like “Oh yeah, sexy time all the time!” it turned into a stressful second job.

  7. Momma425

    June 24, 2014 at 2:40 pm

    I’m jealous!
    We’ve been trying for almost 4 months now (and my body is the trickiest bitch- this last month I started spotting and was CONVINCED it was implantation bleeding…nope, just an early period mocking me!) and I don’t think I am mentally ready for a vacation or taking a break quite yet.
    It is so hard though. This last weekend, my husband brought me a drink while we were out at dinner and I was terrified to drink it because, “what if I am pregnant, and this drink ruins it?” (we’ve had problems with early miscarriages in the past as well). It’s so hard to live life and not feel in limbo!
    I hope you enjoy your vacation! You deserve it!

    • Amber Leigh Wood

      June 25, 2014 at 3:11 am

      Don’t worry too much about the wine, I had a couple of unexplained early miscarriages, and then when I was pregnant with my son (before I knew) a friend and I shared a bottle of wine with dinner…

      I found out I was pregnant about three days later he’s fine lol

  8. Kat

    June 24, 2014 at 3:01 pm

    We* just took a month off from temping, charting, and peeing on things. It was actually more stressful for me because I cannot handle the unknown. I just shut down completely. In hindsight, we should have just gone on vacation.

    Towards the end I got so crazy I’d pee on the cheap amazon ovulation sticks three times a day and then, if they looked positive, I’d dip a digital and see if I got a smiley face. I carried dixie cups and OPKs with me at work. I was a complete fucking lunatic.

    Also, I don’t know how you keep your composure around the moms who tell you to enjoy the fact that it’s taking so long. If you had a crystal ball and could just look into the future, and be like “Yeah, September is the month I’ll get that positive test” THEN you could be excited about your remaining time not covered in spit up. But the not knowing is the absolute worst of all of the many mindfucks of trying to get pregnant.

    *and by “we” I mean me since my husband was not really actively involved in the process any further than my instructing him that it was “go week.”

  9. Jessica

    June 24, 2014 at 3:02 pm

    I love this Baby Fat series, and wanted to share a happy memory for when you do start trying again. Like you, I wouldn’t buy anything new for a very long time because I was trying, unsuccessfully, to get pregnant. The month we did our first IUI, I bought a super soft stretchy sweater, thinking it would either make a great maternity sweater or a comfy sweater dress if I didn’t get pregnant. I was ecstatic when I found out that new sweater would be stretching itself over my big pregnant belly the following winter. I still feel happy whenever I see that sweater, because it brings me back to that time when everything was uncertain and all I had was hope and then, finally, my hopes were answered.

    I hope you get your baby soon! Until then I hope you keep writing this series.

  10. Jem

    June 24, 2014 at 4:22 pm

    I really love this series. Getting pregnant my first time happened right away so when I decided I *WOULD* have a baby this October, I felt that was reasonable. And I did get pregnant in January with an october due date. and then I miscarried. It was shattering to have this thing that I decided I wanted, then it happened, then it was gone. Then I was sure I would get pregnant right away. I didn’t. It sucks every month. I decided to take a break starting this month and then for the rest of the summer. I’m taking this as a sign from the universe to get in better shape (I’m about 30-40 lbs overweight). So, I am taking these months to lose some weight and then I will “try” again. It’s been nice, but it is really hard. I still mentally keep my ovulation date in mind no matter how hard I try.

  11. NotTakenNotAvailable

    June 24, 2014 at 5:44 pm

    Man, that sucks. One of my major reasons for opting out of pregnancy and childrearing altogether is that I have some control issues. Not knowing the answers to questions like, “When can I finally eject this parasite from my uterus?” and “Why won’t this demon-spawn stop shrieking like I’m shoving hot pokers in all its orifices?!” would almost certainly trigger a complete mental breakdown.

    So it’s totally understandable if you’d want to take a break from a situation you have no real control over. Just be prepared for the crowd of smug smilers who are sooo sure that you’re taking their advice to “just relax and let it happen when it’s meant to happen.” They are probably the same jackasses who assume that I no longer date under their tired cliche that I’ll “find love when [I’m] not looking for it,” no matter how many times I explain that it’s not simply that that I’m not looking for love, it’s that I’d barricade myself away in a distant convent if such establishments accepted Jewish atheists as a surefire means of avoiding it.

  12. emilyg25

    June 25, 2014 at 1:08 pm

    After a certain point, I just went back to living my life (for the most part). I bought new clothes, booked a few trips, stopped obsessing about alcohol intake, etc. Otherwise, it just gets to be too much.

  13. SarahJane86

    June 25, 2014 at 2:24 pm

    So, I’ve chronicled before how easy it was for me to get my first two kids cookin’ and my anxiety about the difficulties this time round, and I can’t agree with this more.

    One thing that’s causing me a bit of a melt down is that my husband will not buy stuff intended for the baby until we get BFP, because he thinks it’s bad luck.

    I didn’t even get a chance to get BFN this month, AF just barged in, hiding in a Trojan horse of AM only light pink bleeding, which I of course assumed to be implantation. So I’ve spent all today weeping, when all doubt was removed.

    I’m so mad and sad, Imma buy some NB onesies as big fuck you to everyone, husband, AF, the universe in general.

  14. SarahJane86

    June 25, 2014 at 2:28 pm

    I completely forgot one thing that has been *great* about it taking a while. Our savings has just creeped over $3000. With just a $6000 family deductible, even if my pregnancy sucks balls (mine do), we’ll probably have the money squirreled away, ready to go.

  15. Psych Student

    July 2, 2014 at 12:39 am

    I love the cat because mine does the same thing. “No mama, I don’t want your stupid kisses!”

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