10 Reasons Tacos Are Way Better Than Teenagers
Listen, I have nothing against Wednesday, alright? People call it hump day, and that of course appeals to the part of my brain that also thinks “jumbo weiners” are hilarious, so it’s not as though I have anything against Wednesday. It’s just that Tuesday holds a very special place in my heart; a holdover from days long past in the elementary school when we would all crowd in with our taco shells lined up on our tray, waiting for some greasy “meat” to be spooned in. Taco Tuesday. A day of wonderment and possibility. A day of joy and hope. A day of queso and pico. A day of healing.
In honor of taco Tuesday, I like to come up with lists of things that are not as good as tacos. As you can imagine, this is not particularly hard to do. I could spin wildly about my writey-room, lob a dart off into space and anything that it hit would still not be as good as tacos. Today I hit a teenager.
1. Tacos will never sneak off to smoke pot in that one abandoned trailer in the woods.
2. Because tacos understand and accept their own mortality, they don’t go through a dark stage with bad music and guyliner.
3. Teens should not be paired with beers, while tacos most definitely should be paired with beers.
4. When a teenager talks back, you can not silence it by eating it.
5. Tacos never form cliques or post mean things about their taco friends on TacoBook.
6. Even if tacos could have unprotected sex, the only consequence would be delightful baby tacos.
7. If you want to send a taco to college, you just walk it over to the campus in a bag. You can’t do this with teenagers. They don’t fit in bags and it costs a lot of money.
8. Tacos rarely rebel against you with swear words and promises to never speak to you again.
9. You don’t have to pretend to give a shit about the extracurricular activities or achievements of tacos.
10. It is extremely unlikely that you will ever have to have any residual awkwardness with a taco because you walked in on it having some special “taco time”.