Women's Issues

Princeton Mom Judges The Childfree, Just In Time For Mother’s Day

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princeton-mom-gives-pregnancy-adviceSusan Patton, the “Princeton Mom” is back to give everyone some more fantastic advice. Last time it was to remind all of the college bound ladies to ease up on the studies and start trying to land a husband, already.

It’s been a while since we heard from Patton, so you’ll forgive me if I forget whether young college women were supposed to be doing that before or after they secured a dowry of five young, fat she-goats for themselves. No matter. Susan Patton has moved on and is turning now to address all of you barren, childless career women, whose wombs are slowly atrophying into nothing more than a dusty, cavernous void in which you will ultimately store your spoiled eggs until the day you inevitably die. Alone.

Patton wrote her piece on The New York Post, where she starts dealing out advice bombs in a manner so obliviously horrifying, so terribly passive aggressive, that you can only imagine what it must be like to be this woman’s daughter-in-law: a fucking nightmare.

“You’re happily married … so, why no babies of your own? Busy Miss Important can’t take time away from her glamorous career to have a child? You know that you have a limited window of opportunity within which to procreate before your eggs will have past their expiration date. Smarten up, ladies! You may live longer and look younger than your foremothers, but your fertility remains exactly as it’s always been. In terms of your reproductive system, forty is not the new thirty.”

I don’t even know where to start with this. Sometimes “Busy Miss Important” is “Busy Miss Paying The Bills” or “Busy Miss Childfree”. Patton is just assuming that the only reason you don’t have babies right out of college is because you are arrogant and want to actually use that Princeton education you paid for, conveniently forgetting that there are a lot of reasons not to have a child, including “I don’t feel like it”. I know that if my mother-in-law was like Patton, I would start putting off baby making as soon as possible, and remind her that every time she brought it up, I’d be waiting one more year.

Patton goes on to talk about all of the stuff we all mostly know: your fertility rate drops as you get older, at which point, she would like to remind you, you are super duper screwed if you want to have a baby. Especially if you want to have that baby using IVF, adoption, or a surrogate: “Trying to have children other than the old-fashioned way is wildly expensive and usually fraught with disappointment. If you’re going to attempt any of these extreme measures, you have to be very rich, very lucky, and very patient. Don’t count on it.”

Yeah, fuck orphans. So disappointing. Of course, she acknowledges that the women who face the reality of trying to conceive are exempt from her scathing take down, but uses those women more as an example of what you don’t want to turn into as opposed to offering any real kind of empathy. As a bonus, she throws down this additional piece of parenting advice:

“And when you have children, if you can stay home with them and share the wonders of their infancy, do so. Honestly, why did you have children to begin with? Embrace your kids’ babyhood and childhood for their sake, and for your own. They’ll be gone in 18 years, which will go by a lot faster than you can imagine, and those years are filled with irreplaceable memories that even you, Busy Miss Important won’t want to miss.”

Wow. There is so much wow packed into this entire op-ed that if you can pull your jaw off of the floor, you should take a moment to thank Mrs. Patton for her valuable insight that you otherwise would not have been able to glean, since we don’t use Home Economics textbooks from the 40’s anymore.

I recommend reading the entire article out loud. If you don’t read it in Rosalyn Rosenfeld’s voice, you haven’t really experienced it like you should, Busy Miss Important.

(Image: Susan Patton/Facebook)

65 Comments

  1. Kendra

    May 12, 2014 at 9:36 am

    She should really just shut up now. Does she not realize if EVERYONE in the world had children, the overpopulation would be out of control? Some people don’t want kids and good for them for acknowledging and understanding their own life choices. Some people don’t want cats or dogs either. In my opinion, it’s the same thing. I think it’s much better to be childfree if you want to be childfree, than to commit to having a child that is going to be unwanted, unloved, or abused.

    • waffre

      May 12, 2014 at 11:07 am

      No, but, you see, you have to have a dog, even if you’re more of a cat person, because you’ll never know real pet-love until you’ve had a dog. You’ll see. 🙂

      Yeah, using that argument in a different context really highlights how silly it is.

    • Kendra

      May 12, 2014 at 12:21 pm

      Lucky for you, I have a dog, 4 cats, and a baby…so clearly I have THE MOST LOVE EVER!

    • Rachel Sea

      May 12, 2014 at 2:40 pm

      But Princeton kids need to have as many babies as possible, for the good of the race.

  2. Kristen

    May 12, 2014 at 9:58 am

    Ugh. Being her children would be an effing nightmare. What a jerk off

  3. Elizabeth Licata

    May 12, 2014 at 9:59 am

    “Busy Miss Important can’t take time away from her glamorous career to have a child?”

    Oh man, she’s already the world’s worst mother-in-law. I feel bad for Princeton because she keeps using their name, but I think mostly I pity her kids. Who is going to get within 10 yards of a guy who comes with a mother-in-law like that?

  4. Tinyfaeri

    May 12, 2014 at 10:04 am

    A jolly old belly laugh and a merry “Fuck that woman right in the ear!”

    • keetakat

      May 12, 2014 at 11:32 am

      Well said!

  5. Sara610

    May 12, 2014 at 10:08 am

    I’m sorry, but why is she even being given a platform on which to spout her opinions? What has she actually accomplished or contributed to society that qualifies her to give advice about, well, pretty much anything?

    I’m so tired of people giving advice, which no one asked them for in the first place, when they’re completely unqualified to do so. It’s obnoxious.

    Not to mention, Patton is a truly awful writer. Like, I’m-actually-embarrassed-for-her awful.

    • brebay

      May 12, 2014 at 3:42 pm

      She “past” her prime.

    • whiteroses

      May 13, 2014 at 8:04 am

      I think that, at this point, even she is fascinated by the fact that people are still listening to her.

  6. JenH1986

    May 12, 2014 at 10:23 am

    Busy Miss Important might just uterus punch her. WTF? Why is it any of her business if anyone has a baby? Even her kids? it’s not. STFU.

  7. Colleen

    May 12, 2014 at 10:38 am

    Dear Ms. Patton: Some women would LOVE to have children at a younger age, but perhaps they haven’t met the right person to procreate yet (or does she want us to engage in random one-night stands to obtain all the babies?), or they actually consider finances (like paying off student loans) before filling up their uterus with a fetus…and they put things off until they can afford to give a baby both diapers and food (both kind of awesome to be able to provide to your child). Why are assholes like you allowed to have a voice to uterus-shame other women? I wonder how many women with fertility issues felt like crap after reading her garbage. Plus, there are many, many women who are choosing to be child-free. Stay out of my uterus!

    • Kay_Sue

      May 12, 2014 at 12:59 pm

      Dear Ms. Patton: Some women would LOVE to have children at a younger age, but perhaps they haven’t met the right person to procreate yet

      Completely inconsequential because all women, in her opinion, should be using college to land an appropriate mate. Plenty of time to procreate after that……*gags*

    • Colleen

      May 12, 2014 at 1:57 pm

      Oh, yes, of course…because college isn’t about LEARNING STUFF.
      I join you in gagging.

    • aliceblue

      May 12, 2014 at 8:45 pm

      “Appropriate” meaning rich enough for you to stay at home with the kids of course. Don’t worry if you don’t like the guy; based on Ms. Patton’s example you won’t stay married to him.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 12, 2014 at 8:55 pm

      Liking them is overrated, right?

  8. Jennie Blair

    May 12, 2014 at 10:41 am

    This woman is a loony toon. If I want my uterus to grow over into a dust cloud that’s my business. Too bad I’m pregnant now, after reading this I’m almost positive all my eggs went bad immediately, so I guess I will be busy miss unimportant breeder lady. She managed to make me feel like a moron of having a baby with my husband of many many years.

  9. AnnH

    May 12, 2014 at 10:52 am

    This woman uses too many words just to tell women to aspire to being “barefoot and pregnant”.

  10. K.

    May 12, 2014 at 11:02 am

    I always find it precious and amusing when someone of an older generation attempts to instruct the new generation on how we should live our lives based on obsolete cultural trends.

    I mean, issues of modern femininity and feminism aside, someone should really clue her in about her hair—she’s two strands away from a scrunchy.

  11. Marie

    May 12, 2014 at 11:28 am

    Busy Miss Important? Really? Sorry, I have no interest in hearing the opinions of a grown woman who speaks as if reading a children’s book. Besides, Mr. Tickle was the far superior title to Little Miss Busy.

    • Allyson_et_al

      May 12, 2014 at 4:33 pm

      “Mr. Tickle” sounds like the name of a mini vibrator.

    • Lackadaisical

      May 13, 2014 at 5:26 pm

      I really don’t want to contemplate what he got up to with his extraordinarily long arms that could be doing things in a room that he wasn’t near, nor do I wish to know why Little Miss Sunshine was always happy. I now have to read those books to my daughter with a straight face.

    • Allyson_et_al

      May 14, 2014 at 12:47 am

      Oops! Sorry! 🙂

  12. Mystik Spiral

    May 12, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Bitch, why do you care if I procreate or not?

  13. Kat

    May 12, 2014 at 11:36 am

    Wow. She slammed the child-free AND working moms in one swoop. I’m amazed she didn’t hit “formula is poison” and “daycare is baby prison” while she was at it.

  14. Aimee Ogden

    May 12, 2014 at 11:43 am

    I like how wanting to be childfree or have a career established before you have kids makes a woman “Busy Miss Important” but feeling the need to continually broadcast your own idiotic opinions about childrearing that you seem to think apply to all other women and not just yourself somehow does not?

    • Geogirl

      May 12, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      Because she’s Busybody Miss Important. A subtle but distinct difference.

  15. calichick

    May 12, 2014 at 11:58 am

    Wow, because having kids in my 20s when I was massively in debt and in a relationship with a complete ass would have been such a BRILLIANT idea. And staying home with them as a single mom and living off welfare…GENIUS!

  16. meteor_echo

    May 12, 2014 at 12:07 pm

    Nope, Busy Miss Important can’t take time away from an awesome relationship with the equally childfree Busy Mister Important. We like loud sex, our respective pets and hobbies too much to plop a child into it.

    And as for you, Princeton Mom, off you fuck. Off and away!

    • FormerlyKnownAsWendy

      May 12, 2014 at 7:50 pm

      Why is it off you fuck manages to sound a thousand times fancier? I’m impressed 🙂

    • meteor_echo

      May 12, 2014 at 11:37 pm

      Hahah, it’s probably the tone. Best said with an accompanying little hand flutter gesture!

    • brebay

      May 12, 2014 at 3:40 pm

      Oh, god, please let someone do something to me this week that allows me to do this!

  17. Kelly

    May 12, 2014 at 12:22 pm

    I gave up a very promising career to become a stay at home mom and I think this woman is a raging cunt.

    There’s nothing wrong with a woman not wanting children, or waiting to have children, or pursuing a career, or any other option they decide on. Feminism is supposed to be about choice but that fact flies right over the head of morons like Susan Patton.

    • MellyG

      May 12, 2014 at 10:05 pm

      *claps* exactly

  18. Valerie

    May 12, 2014 at 12:31 pm

    Or Busy Miss Fertility Challenges. Or Busy Miss Didn’t Meet Her Husband Until Age 35. Or Busy Miss Fuck Off And Mind Your Own Old Dusty Uterus.
    #fuckingbitch

    • noodlestein

      May 12, 2014 at 9:40 pm

      No kidding! I definitely didn’t know any of this (/s), and clearly, not yet having met my future husband, am completely FUCKED at 36. Definitely, definitely wasn’t stressed about this already, nope! Sentence of childless woe, commence!!

  19. TngldBlue

    May 12, 2014 at 12:34 pm

    What a condescending twat.

  20. AP

    May 12, 2014 at 12:36 pm

    “Busy Miss Important can’t take time away from her glamorous career to have a child?”

    I would KILL to be childless because I had a busy, glamorous (and presumably well-paying and intellectuall stimulating) career, instead of being childless because my honors degree from a top 50 school has yielded me only part-time entry-level work over the past 7 years, while we drown in debt from my husband’s undergrad loans and have to move around every few years for his mediocre-paying job because research funding is incredibly tenuous right now.

    Yup, I’d LOVE to have the luxury of being Busy Miss Important, instead of Busy Trying to Build a Stable Financial Foundation with Sticks and Twigs.

  21. Jessifer

    May 12, 2014 at 12:54 pm

    Why is there no advice for the childless men out there? Do they not have any sort of role in this decision-making? Last I’ve heard, it usually takes two people to procreate.

    • G.S.

      May 12, 2014 at 6:12 pm

      YO, BUSY MR IMPORTANT! Why haven’t you knocked your wife up yet?! Don’t waste your sperm, dipshit! You need to grow your legacy to carry on your name before you can’t get it up anymore and your balls shrivel and fall off! FFS, it’ll only take two and half minutes if you know what you’re doing! You’re not fulfilling your OR your wife’s life to the fullest without a spawn to call your own! Children are WAY cooler than a sports car, or a tropical vacation anyway (because what ELSE are you spending all your grown up money on)! Why did you even bother getting married, then?! YOU’RE TEARING DOWN A REASON WHY THE GAYS SHOULDN’T!!!!!!!

    • aliceblue

      May 12, 2014 at 8:59 pm

      I’d like to see a FATHER get this line ““And when you have children, if you can stay home with them and share the wonders of their infancy, do so. Honestly, why did you have children to begin with?”
      But then I guess those guys are just there for sperm donation and to support the all important offspring.

    • G.S.

      May 12, 2014 at 10:10 pm

      I think that if these 50s gender expectations people ever saw a happy family where the mom works and the dad’s a SAHP, their heads would explode.

      Men DO need a better/actual paternity leave, though. So do women, but at least they don’t feel pressured into not taking it as much when it’s there, since actually wanting to look after your own kids is “women’s work” or whatever.

  22. Kay_Sue

    May 12, 2014 at 1:01 pm

    I can’t even with this woman. I can’t even.

    • Sara610

      May 12, 2014 at 1:10 pm

      It seems to me that she’s incredibly bitter about the choices she’s made and is trying to make herself feel better by tearing others down.

    • Kay_Sue

      May 12, 2014 at 1:15 pm

      I very much agree.

  23. Renee J

    May 12, 2014 at 1:51 pm

    When is her 15 minutes up?

  24. jane

    May 12, 2014 at 2:05 pm

    I made up this business card for those of you who didn’t take Ms. Patton’s wisdom to heart.

    You have no one to blame but yourself

    • MellyG

      May 12, 2014 at 9:57 pm

      I need to totally print those out.

    • ameliacoco

      May 13, 2014 at 10:40 am

      LOL I love the “Busy Miss Important”, can this become a thing now?

  25. Rachel Sea

    May 12, 2014 at 2:45 pm

    I think the most important life lesson here is not to take advice from the Post.

    The one thing she says that I agree with is that assisted reproduction and adoption are motherfucking expensive, hence why I don’t have kids.

  26. brebay

    May 12, 2014 at 3:39 pm

    Is it awful that I want her husband to get caught having had a longtime affair with a childless, single, corporate executive?

  27. Ursi

    May 12, 2014 at 5:07 pm

    I don’t see this as a slight against people who are actually childfree. She does say that her advice is for people who want to have children, just now now. I don’t think she really cares about people like us who don’t have the desire to.

    That being said, this reads like one long guilt trip.

  28. gothicgaelicgirl

    May 12, 2014 at 5:25 pm

    Go fuck yourself you stupid cow.

  29. Needs Improvement

    May 12, 2014 at 5:57 pm

    I’m not taking time off from my glamorous career… of teaching middle schoolers. Sometimes they ask me if I want to have kids, and then I tell them that I did and trail off.

  30. Elizabeth Wakefield

    May 12, 2014 at 6:07 pm

    “Busy Miss Important”

    Bitch practically stole Kelly Clarkson’s line.

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  33. Samantha Lobdell

    May 12, 2014 at 7:04 pm

    I’m not a kid person. Kids make me nervous. It sounds weird, but I just don’t know how to handle kids. I can’t imagine myself as a mother.

    But, what the hell, I’ll give up working and all my ambitions to have some anything because what else am I gonna do with my lady parts?

    Thanks a lot, lady, now I have to clean all this sarcasam off my screen.

  34. practicallyperfectineveryway

    May 12, 2014 at 8:27 pm

    I’m getting business cards with “Busy Miss Important” instead of my name.

  35. ameliacoco

    May 13, 2014 at 10:40 am

    So… We have to have kids because our careers aren’t that important, and when you have the kids you better not work for “their sakes”?? How the hell are we supposed to pay for these kids then, lady? Not everyone has a husband, let alone one that makes tons of money. Good god. This woman makes my blood boil!

    • Lackadaisical

      May 13, 2014 at 5:21 pm

      I guess that was why she told us we needed to bag a Princeton student, so that they could afford to turn us into little 1950s baby making women. She makes me feel dirty for being the stay at home mother she advocates because I resent doing anything she is trying to nag women into doing.

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