Miscarriages are awful - I know, I've had three. Yes, they are common occurrences, but they sting - every, single, time.
Sometimes, in an effort to be empathetic, women may find themselves hijacking their friend's miscarriage news with a retelling of the experience they had with theirs. There's nothing worse than mourning a miscarriage and having to comfort someone else who has managed to make your story about them.
I'm not saying don't share more when the time is right. But when someone is breaking the news of their miscarriage and we manage to make it about ourselves -- it's not cool. Everything isn't about us -- it's one of the most important lessons we'll learn in life. This can apply to the sharing of just about every kind of bad news. Sometimes we just need to be there and listen.
1. Don't say "At least you have other kids."
Maybe you've been through a miscarriage and you still don't have children. Yes, that is painful and you have every right feel a certain way about it. But put that on the back burner for a few minutes and be there for your friend.
2. Don't retell your miscarriage story.
Inevitably, if you retell your miscarriage story, you're putting your friend in a position to now have to comfort you.
3. Don't remind her how "common" they are.
This is information that may be comforting at a later date? Not at the moment when she's mourning a loss.
4. Don't cry.
Again, you're putting her in a position to have to comfort you.
5. Don't tell her how you "got through it."
Someone who is hurting doesn't always need a path out of that hurt immediately.
6. Don't force your upset friend to comfort YOU.
I'm repeating this because it's so important. This is narcissism to the nth degree.
7. Don't mention how much further along you were.
Maybe you're trying to make her feel better? But it comes off as minimizing her pain.
8. Do listen (and possibly bring cake. Cake is always good.)
It may sound like this is a laundry list of things NOT to do -- but the gist is easy. Be there for her. Make it all about her right now.