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Our Housewife Lives Are Exactly Nothing Like This Super-Rich ‘Hamptons Housefrau’

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1123.jpgDisclaimer: You guys, I have MILK in my refrigerator.

Other things I have? A Netflix subscription. I have a pool, but at the end of the season I’m super happy I don’t have to pay pool guys to come maintain it, because it’s a money suck. I have Chanel makeup. I have video game systems. My children have many, many books. I have fresh produce. I have some fancy artisanal popcorn. We have food and clothing and toys and health insurance and shoes and we have electricity and water. But my AIR CONDITIONER IS STILL BROKEN and will be broken until the company who my home warranty people hired to fix my air conditioner get the parts in to fix my air conditioning system. I did not have a few thousand dollars sitting around that I could blow on a new one. I am blessed. I have a good life. The people I live with have pretty much everything we need and I know there are moms out there who are stressing about their water bill and insurance costs and if you are like me, you don’t have a butler. And maybe it’s because the sun isn’t even up yet and my 100 percent organic cotton skirt is sticking to my thighs because it is so FREAKING HOT already in my house that this interview with a self-proclaimed ‘Hamptons Housefrau’ is making my blood all kinda boil-y. From Fashionweekdaily.com:

What’s the biggest misconception about the superrich? 

That we’re not good parents. Most of the people I know are very good parents and spend a lot of time with their kids. It’s just a very different generation from our parents. We’ve figured out how to have fun and keep our youth going. What happens in the Hamptons is that people in their thirties, forties, and fifties are still living that kind of life that they had in their twenties and college years. The party just keeps going. My generation has figured out how to manage their time. It also helps to have staff.

Are you guys partying? Quick, someone whip us up a batch of cocktails, and by cocktails I mean dump some vodka in a pitcher of Razzleberry Kool-Aid™ because I will assume that  most of us do not have STAFF. “Partying” for me usually means I have two glasses of wine and if I’m having fun I end up having half of a third and then falling asleep at nine and waking up at four a.m. with a raging headache and the knowledge that my kids will be awake in a mere hour or so and that I haven’t gone to the grocery yet this week so I may end up cooking everyone french fries for breakfast because if I don’t eat something I may vomit. If I only had staff I could make them deal with my children and prepare breakfast for all of us then I could PARTY.

How many of your friends have drivers?
In the city, I’d say about 70 percent. In the Hamptons, about 20 percent have drivers, but I bet that will double this summer because of all the DUI busts.

Are the drivers treated like family?

No! They’re drivers. Out here people hire local guys to drive the car. If they have the driver from Manhattan come, that’s a whole other level of wealth. They have to put them up in a home or apartment.

 

Raise your hand if you have a driver! I am not talking about the nice old guy who drives the bus you take to get to work!

How many of your friends have nannies?
I don’t know anybody who doesn’t have a nanny.

Could you raise kids without a nanny?

No.

I know some of you readers have nannies but I am guessing you could probably raise your kid without one, riiiight? Our new best friend the HAMPTONS HOUSEFRAU says the reason her and her superrich pals can’t function without a nanny is because:

It’s the downtime you get when you really can’t deal and you need to recover or relax. A lot of the men and women I know work out in the morning for two hours, and it’s the most valuable thing to them. I actually don’t know anyone who doesn’t work out anymore. Without a nanny one spouse would have to stay home. It just makes life easier.

Downtime guys! It’s what us not superrich people call when we sneak into the bathroom to pee and we get to do it in private without someone demanding we find the TV channel Too Cute is on.

We talked to a Hamptons teenager in our last issue about allowance. What’s fair for a 16-year-old?
I have a kid that age and he gets $200 a week. I’m sure a lot of the teenagers out here have unlimited credit cards; that’s just what I do for my kid. That would include just spending money, because I pay for all of his meals. If he needs more, he tells me.

Two hundred dollars. A Week. For a teenager. For an allowance. Just like you guys all do, riiiight?

Do you ever get sick of being out here in the summer?
You have to mix it up. Every day is a gift out here. I’m never bored, because I make the most of every day. If I’m going to read a book, I’m going to find a beautiful place to read it. If I’m going to cook, I’m going to make a delicious meal. If you don’t seize the day? Big mistake.

Seize the day bitches because if you don’t, BIG MISTAKE.

I sound bitter. Am I bitter? Yes. I think it’s all fine and good that there are people out there who have helicopters and butlers and staff and nannies and cosmetic surgery as a hobby and all that shizz, but even if I was dripping in wealth I think a lot of this sounds kinda gross. All I want is my AC fixed and I will feel like a total fancy pants.

(Image: Pinterest)

52 Comments

  1. whiteroses

    July 18, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Yeah, drop a zero and you have my monthly allowance when I was twelve. I stopped getting one when I was sixteen, because my parents figured that if I was old enough to get a job I was too old to get an allowance.

    This isn’t my reality by a long shot- and I think that in a way it’s hilarious that this woman seems to truly believe that you can’t raise a kid without paid help. I get a lot of help from my parents, and I have a supportive husband, and that’s where it ends. My breaks come when my mother takes the baby for the night or when I get a half-hour bath to myself. I’m lucky. A lot of women don’t even get that.

    It’s interesting to me that there are some women who are set so apart from middle class America that they’re able to give interviews like this.

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 9:30 am

      stop bragging about your private bath time sheesh. Even when I shower, my stupid dog comes in to see what I am doing

    • whiteroses

      July 18, 2013 at 9:46 am

      I apologize 🙂 It’s only an occasional thing. You know how I knew my son could crawl? I put him with his toys and went to the bathroom with the door open so I could hear if he needed me.

      I looked up mid-activities and saw my son sitting there grinning like a jackal. Freaked the living hell out of me. 🙂

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 9:52 am

      hahahaha, oh man, that has happened to me so many times. Or when they are little and you strap them in the bouncy and drag them into the bathroom and just when you are washing shampoo out you see they have tipped the chair over? classic

    • Véronique Houde

      July 18, 2013 at 9:55 am

      dude, I just wait for my boyfriend to get home to take a shower! Like that, even if she cries, I don’t have to worry about it! but in all seriousness, when i go to the bathroom now, I have to take her in there with me because she’s a monkey and loves to try climbing on the side tables that are heavy and tend to tip over. Or she’ll pull off her diaper. Classic…

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 9:57 am

      wait, she is getting out of her diaper whilst you are peeing? Man, she may be ready

    • Véronique Houde

      July 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

      lol i wish. She’s 8 months old. she just wants to crawl around the living room naked.

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 10:03 am

      IDK Kid, I think if she is like losing her diaper you may be able to like, throw down the potty chair and see what happens. I don’t mean actively do it, but like just for the hell of it and see if she sits on it

    • Véronique Houde

      July 18, 2013 at 10:04 am

      the worst is that I’ll be changing her diaper, I put it on, and she just looks at me with a totally straight face while she pulls it back off. Like she’s saying “I’m pulling my diaper off. That is all.” Reminds me of Miranda Priestly in The Devil Wears Prada. That is my child.

    • rebecca

      July 18, 2013 at 11:36 am

      When My Kids Started That I Switched Them To Pull Up Style Diapers.Huggies Makes Them For Younger Babies Now:)

    • Véronique Houde

      July 18, 2013 at 4:32 pm

      thanks for the advice! only thing is my daughter’s in cloth diapers… I’ll just stick to putting a pair of shorts over the diapers lol

    • Rachel Sea

      July 19, 2013 at 2:35 am

      Duct tape suspenders. I’m all for some naked-baby time, but not surprise naked-baby time.

  2. Maria Guido

    July 18, 2013 at 9:51 am

    Vodka and razzleberry koolaid for everyone! Oh, and this lady sounds awful.

  3. Jayess

    July 18, 2013 at 9:55 am

    ^ This is why I stopped being a nanny. I had only done it one year for a fairly nice family, who really did need the help, because they were foster parents and some of the kids had some pretty big disabilities. But then the kids found homes (yay!) and I looked into other positions, and it was like, “if you want to make the decent monies, you must work for these people,” and *I* was like, “hmm. Yeah, no.”

    • Jayess

      July 18, 2013 at 10:03 am

      oh, and nannying for foster kids with disabilities…. technically could have gone back to that, but it was pretty darn heartbreaking.

  4. LadyClodia

    July 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

    I’m confused…is she saying that they’re good parents because they party with their kids? Or are those two unrelated thoughts? Because besides dance parties or tea parties or birthday parties I didn’t think partying had much to do with parenting.

    Oh, it’s because I don’t have a nanny that I don’t have time to workout for hours everyday!

    Also, would I have to make my butler eat a big bowl of spider webs if he didn’t listen?

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 9:59 am

      SO MANY SPIDERWEBS.

  5. TngldBlue

    July 18, 2013 at 10:12 am

    If I want to party it takes week of careful planning, many phone calls, some begging, and a few well place bribes.

  6. Life-Sized Mommy

    July 18, 2013 at 10:14 am

    I have a nanny, but only because it’s cheaper than daycare (around here) when you have two kids, and because my husband and I both work over 40 hours a week.
    If we want to have gym time, I have to go at 5:00 am so I can get back and give my husband time to go around 6:15, before we both have to get ready for work. Or I go at random hours, like 9:30 at night because my kid’s asleep by then. And just thinking about that is making me kind of hate rich people.

    • ChillMama

      July 18, 2013 at 10:24 am

      My hubby and I spell each other off in the mornings/evenings (also both working full time) so we can each go to the gym a few times a week. It works well for us, but I totally understand that not everyone can do that. And a 5:00am workout time? *shudder* That would be pure hell.

      As for the partying thing, I don’t think it is too unreasonable, depending on your definition of partying. We put on music, break out some wine or cocktails, make a nice dinner, and “party” with our little one all the time. Baby dancing never gets old!

      No, we don’t get drunk or sloppy (post-30 hangovers are brutal anyway, so who wants them?!), and we are also in bed by a ridiculously early time. I DO take her point that you can both have fun and parent, but as to the rest….really???

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 2:28 pm

      “SPELL EACH OTHER OFF” SOUNDS DIRTY

  7. G.E. Phillips

    July 18, 2013 at 10:33 am

    I don’t even have a dishwasher. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Hamptons lady.

  8. LiteBrite

    July 18, 2013 at 12:21 pm

    I’ve often joked that there should be a “Real Housewives of the Suburbs of Milwaukee” T.V. show. I’ll be the star. You all can then watch me fight traffic in the a.m., grill pork chops for dinner, and clean the cat boxes after the boy goes to bed. The big drama on the show will be the argument DH and I get into about what we’re going to watch on T.V. that night. Excitement all around.

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 1:39 pm

      I am moving to Milwaukee to be your wisecracking neighbor housewife. In next week’s episode, drama will ensue when one of us is late to pick the kids up from a playdate and WE RUN OUT OF SUGAR while baking a cake

    • whiteroses

      July 18, 2013 at 1:39 pm

      I would watch that show.

    • LiteBrite

      July 18, 2013 at 2:11 pm

      That will probably be a sweeps episode.

    • SusannahJoy

      July 18, 2013 at 4:08 pm

      Dammit! You reminded me that I need to clean the cat box. I was so happy in my ignorance! It’s one thing to say “Oh shoot, honey, I forgot!” and another to say “Yeah… I remembered, but then decided, eh, screw that, Top Chef is on!”

    • Justme

      July 18, 2013 at 6:33 pm

      I was thinking the same thing the other night when I went to meet a friend for drinks after dinner. It was a very Housewives scenario but instead of bitching about mutual frenemies we discussed….Orange County and New Jersey Housewife drama. Oh the exciting lives of mothers in the suburbs.

  9. Sarah Hollowell

    July 18, 2013 at 1:02 pm

    I want to know what the weeks are like where that 16-year-old goes “hey mom I need more than my $200”. WHAT DOES HE DO?

    • whiteroses

      July 18, 2013 at 1:39 pm

      That’s an excellent question. When I was sixteen, I couldn’t have spent more than 200 if I tried. Well, unless you let me loose in a bookstore.

    • Sarah Hollowell

      July 18, 2013 at 10:24 pm

      Oh yes I could easily spend $200 in a bookstore.

    • Tusconian

      July 18, 2013 at 9:18 pm

      When I was 16, my dad would give me 25 dollars a week for school lunch and the train. If I went out of Fridays he’d give me an extra 10-20, expecting that I’d buy at least one of my friends dinner. And I always had change come Saturday (which I kept). And my dad is a really generous guy. What happened to teenagers who spent their time sulking at public parks and loitering at Subway for fun?

    • Emmali Lucia

      July 18, 2013 at 9:29 pm

      Drugs, and probably a lot of very nice alcohol.

    • Sarah Hollowell

      July 18, 2013 at 10:23 pm

      Maaan why doesn’t my mom give me drug money? She’s all like “sorry poor college student daughter I gotta help you pay your rent and make sure you can afford groceries so no drugs for you” or something silly like that.

    • Emmali Lucia

      July 18, 2013 at 10:25 pm

      I KNOW! Mom’s are so lame!

    • Guest

      July 18, 2013 at 10:11 pm

      My brother dated a girl who was “rich”. Her mom called my mom at one point and told her that we are beneath them as we are only middle class – and that my mom should encourage them to break up… We encouraged them to stay together. Anyways, she’d blow a grand on clothes every weekend and since we were about the same size, she’d give me her “old clothes”.
      I heard she married some guy that was “dirt poor”, like lived in a shack or they bought a shack. And they are happier than they had ever been. But this is from her sister so who knows.

  10. chickadee

    July 18, 2013 at 2:04 pm

    I’m trying to figure out where Eve lives that ‘broken AC’ *doesn’t* translate to ‘going on a heat-induced rage spree.’

    • Eve Vawter

      July 18, 2013 at 2:27 pm

      THIS IS RIDICULOUS I AM SRSLY DYING HERE http://static.tumblr.com/9rtfac8/8t3m8p546/rampage.gif

    • G.E. Phillips

      July 18, 2013 at 3:57 pm

      Eve, I feel your pain. I run a gymnastics gym where we have summer camp. I’m on day 9 of no AC, here in the Northeast where we’re having a heat wave (high temp of 95 today.) Coaches are dropping like flies, and now I’m even starting to lose business, because who would want to send their kid to camp here? I can’t even blame the parents, I wouldn’t bring Face here. The AC guys are here right now, and I’m PRAYING that this is it and we don’t need a whole new central air system….

    • chickadee

      July 18, 2013 at 6:57 pm

      So based on this gif, you live in Florida?

  11. CW

    July 18, 2013 at 2:18 pm

    I grew up among kids like this (thinking my family was “poor” because they were just regular upper-middle-class rather than rich). I’m guessing that a fairly large chunk of that $200/week allowance is going towards drugs and alcohol.

    • Courtney Lynn

      July 18, 2013 at 3:23 pm

      I knew kids like this, too. I grew up middle class with a pool, a dog, everything a kid could need and most of what we wanted. The kids at my high school, though. Some of them put me to shame, for sure. One kid had a car for every day of the week. We’re talking a Viper, a ‘Vette, yeah… Most of these kids would brag about “getting FUCKED up, man” on the weekends and sometimes week days.

    • Justme

      July 18, 2013 at 6:29 pm

      There was a girl at my high school whose first car was a Corvette but by her senior year her parents had also bought her a Tahoe because…you know…she could only drive around ONE friend in her Corvette.

    • Justme

      July 18, 2013 at 6:28 pm

      I live in an upper-middle-class to very, very wealthy area. You are correct.

    • Emmali Lucia

      July 18, 2013 at 9:27 pm

      Oh yeah, my mother and I were briefly rich when I was a teenager, the only time I ever got $200 a week was when I was spending $150 on alch and screwing my boyfriend for opiates. (Sorry, I tried to think of a less graphic way to say that, there isn’t one)

  12. Ashley

    July 18, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    I want to rage so badly, but I’m at work. Where my job is to help make rich people wealthier 🙁 It’s terriblllllle, and I hope they never find out that I’ve posted this from their computer lololol.

  13. koolchicken

    July 18, 2013 at 10:53 pm

    Why does rich always have to equal bad? It seems like this woman was asked a bunch of questions about what her life is like and she answered them. I only know what it’s like to live my life, she only knows what it’s like to live hers, and I’m guessing you only know what it’s like to live yours. So her kid gets $200 a week for allowance. So long as she’s not living outside her means who cares? She thinks you can’t raise a kid without a nanny. Perhaps we should feel bad she’s been taught she’s not more capable. This post is mean and bullying.

    • TngldBlue

      July 19, 2013 at 10:51 am

      It’s not the rich part that is so bad, it’s the shallowness and utter lack of awareness of the world around them that is so bad (I realize not all wealthy are like this). Do something with your life that adds value to the world. Those that are wealthy have a far greater and wide reaching opportunity to change the world than the rest of us…so when they choose instead to lead a life that is no deeper than a fish pond they shouldn’t be surprised when people think they are vapid bitches.

  14. Rachel Sea

    July 19, 2013 at 2:38 am

    I have milk in my fridge because I traded some rhubarb to a friend with a cow.

    When I was 16 I had a job, and paid for all my own food. My take-home pay was barely more than $200 a week.

    I don’t know anyone who has a nanny.

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