The Next Fad Diet Should Be The ‘Stuff Your Toddler Throws On The Floor’ Diet
If there’s anything Americans love more than fad diets, it’s cheating on their fad diets. But why not combine both into one foolproof system? The latest and greatest diet program sure to sweep the nation is one of my own invention: the Stuff Your Kid Has Thrown On The Floor Diet. Let’s face it, my fellow parents of small children, we’re all already quietly packing away our kids’ leavings–it’s a sin to waste that discarded chicken à la king or braised rutabaga just because your child has the palate of a philistine (or of your spouse). But now you can get in your illicit food-shoveling in as the staple of your new diet!
Of course, if you’re looking to lose some lingering baby weight, this may not be the plan for you; my kids appear to throw enough food on the floor to feed an army, assuming that army really likes Cheerios. But if you’re still on board, let’s lay out the ground rules for your daily consumption of discarded floor food:
Rule 1: You eat only what hits the floor under your kid’s high chair during meals and snack times.
This mostly only works for the parents of toddlers, unless your older child is a really messy eater. Bonus: it cuts way back on food waste.
Rule 2: You must serve the child the same size meals he was getting before you went on this diet.
It doesn’t count anymore if you put two full-sized peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on his high chair tray and, oh shucks, he dropped one on the floor. That is cheating and it will not be tolerated in these parts.
Rule 3: You must choose foods to serve your child regardless of what you are currently craving.
A hot fudge sundae is not an appropriate breakfast for your two-year-old. (… Is it? I’m, um, asking for a friend.)