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Mommyshame

STFU Parents: Yoonique Baby Names That Confirm Our Societal Demise, Part II

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Maggie is #blessed to have given birth to a sauce-thickening agent that weighed a whopping nine pounds. You've heard the expression that girls are made of "sugar and spice and everything nice"? Well, Roux-Bea is made of flour and butter. She's pro-gravy. And really, who among us isn't? God bless this great nation and may God bless little Roux-Bea, because she's going to be explaining her French-inspired (?!), hyphenated name for the rest of her saucy life.

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Here's a name that can proudly exist in Trump Nation (aka what America will be called 3.5 years from now). It's suuuuper bipartisan, because on the one hand, the name "Major" screams "I'm a big fuckin' deal! That's MISTER Major to you!", but on the other hand, the name "Lefty" implies having progressive values. When I first read this submission, I had to double-check with the submitter that this was the kid's real name even though s/he had written, "When this person told me his newborn son's name, I had to ask three times for him to repeat it because I didn't think I'd heard the name correctly. Then I stalked him on Facebook and saw the FULL name. I thought it was a joke. Not a joke. Just a horrible, horrible name." Let's hope this trend picks up momentum! I wouldn't mind someone naming their daughter "Madame President," now that I'm thinking about it. Give every baby a formal title! The little angels deserve some goddamn respect.

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The "smash cake" cupcake trend -- in which children celebrating their first birthday get to "smash" a miniature cake, also known as an oversized cupcake -- is the perfect pairing to this baby's yoonique name. No, his name isn't "Xerxes," so his full name also isn't "Xerxes the Great" as one might imagine. Why name your kid after the fourth king of the Achaemenid dynasty when you could name him something slightly abbreviated that references a popular video game? According to the "Bloodrayne" Wiki page, the character Xerx is "a sophisticated mad scientist who invented the Shroud and created various high-tech weapons." DOOOOPE!!! This kid is gonna smash the HELL out of that cupcake! Great name choice, Mom & Dad. Inspiring, even. Upon further investigation, Xerx is also a vampire who "fights Rayne in a giant bio-mech suit with weaknesses that are not immediately noticeable, and attacks with the deadly Sun Gun." This kid has a lot to live up to! What a fun namesake challenge.

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Reading through this brief exchange just caused my eyes to bleed. That being said, I'm looking forward to the future great American novel 'The Adventures of Graesyn and Ryot,' about two young boys on a valiant mission to catch as many Pokémon as they can across the rural U.S. Along the way they meet a cast of characters and engage in romantic pursuits with twin sisters named Kayleigh and Kyleigh. It's gonna be great, believe me. This book is gonna have the best words. It's gonna be the best book you've ever read. It'll make America read again, just wait and see. You think books are good now? 'The Adventures of Graesyn and Ryot' -- and the sequel 'Graesyn and Ryot, a Tale of Two Frat Boys' -- are gonna blow all the other books outta the water. USA Today Bestseller list, here they come!

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'Amaznic' one of those names that kind of looks Serbian, but you know it's just pronounced "Amaznick." Which I'm trying to wrap my head around, yet can't. Is this a portmanteau? Did Amaznic have one grandpa named "Nicholas" and another named "Amazeballs"? That's the only rationale I can come up with here.

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  B STFU Parents b  Yoonique Baby Names That Confirm Our Societal Demise  Part II 11 jpgI know you look at the name 'Vadyka' and think, "Wait a second, isn't the name Vadyka on the rise? Didn't I see that Madonna was adopting a new baby and naming her Vadyka Anne?" No, friends, Vadyka is not a name you've seen, because it's a name that no one else in America is using...yet.
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Awww, yeah. Vadyka is going to grow up with an orange fraud as her first president and *know* that she's special. Her name tells the story. Much like no presidential nominee in the history of America has become president without disclosing his or her taxes, for 136 years no other parents except Vadyka's have thought of using her name. I'm telling you, history is getting made left and right in the United States right now, and names like Vadyka are paving the way. This is what America is all about: ingenious ways of breaking the mold. I look forward to seeing what's going to happen next. For all any of us knows, we may be inaugurating a Madame President Vadyka in 35 or so years (or, in our new president's case, just over 69 years). Oh, what a day that will be.

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