Last week, the internet chimed its boxing match bell as a story circulated about a mother who punched a (childless) woman in the face at a Nordstrom Rack parking lot. The punches didn't come out of nowhere, of course; the mother felt that she was rudely approached by the other woman, who'd asked her to quiet her screaming child in the store and then told the mother to "go to hell" after receiving a negative response, and thus, the mother transitioned from "angry mom of screaming toddler" to "violent mom of screaming toddler" as she threw punches in the parking lot. I'm sure in her head, despite knowing what she was doing was wrong, the mom felt justified. Some people, especially in America, believe that the logical reaction to being verbally assaulted (or even just given a dirty look) is to physically assault someone's face. It's the "she was asking for it" mentality. So long as someone else says or does something offensive, punches and beatdowns are the appropriate response. Obviously.
This real life, abusive behavior has its origins in youthful shit talking. I remember being in high school in the '90s and getting acquainted with the new-ish expression "excuse you." Whether a person's actions in the school hallway warranted saying "excuse me" or not, certain lovable gals would toss a hostile "Excuse you!!!" your way, creating a dynamic best described as "girl-on-girl drama." Issuing a single "excuse you" to the wrong person might lead to a full-on brawl, with hair and purses flying all around and students circling like vultures, wanting to be a part of the action themselves, craving any signs of weakness from either party until a teacher broke up the fight.
This is pretty much how life still plays out today, except now there are YouTube videos of mothers hitting their daughters' enemies on school property that will live on forever in internet infamy. Back in the day, if a fight broke out -- whether at a high school school or a Nordstrom Rack parking lot -- the only people who knew about it, and especially the only people who saw it, were those fortunate enough to be in attendance. Today, the internet will be alerted, which means that technically everyone, globally, can witness two grown women acting like assholes via surveillance cameras, not to mention the zillion news outlets that pick up the story. And there's nothing more sensational than a mother nearly knocking another woman's tooth out after being asked to quiet her tantrum-having child. I can practically hear the cat fight sound effects in my head just thinking about it. Reee-eeer!! Hiss.
With that in mind, partly what's interesting about the Nordstrom Rack story is that most people tend to talk a lot of trash without arriving at the beatdown stage. Clearly, the woman who asked the mother to silence her child falls into that camp. Who knows how much shit this woman has spewed without getting smacked in the face while holding a bag of discounted clothing? This is because, A) She rightfully didn't expect to be physically assaulted, which is a crime, and B) People say or imply that they're going to "smack someone" all the time, but most people don't actually follow through on their threats. I know this to be true because I've received hundreds of STFU, Parents submissions that qualify as totally insane, but the vast majority of them are essentially re-tellings of incidents that could've escalated to violence and didn't.
And yet, from reading these submissions, it's evident that plenty of people (like prideful mothers and fathers) are really just a hair trigger away from beating someone's face in, a la Nordstrom Rack Mom (as I affectionately call her). We live in a society that encourages and glorifies violence, and for some people -- nay, many people -- that concept extends to violence in the name of parenting insults. If a mama bear or a papa bear feels threatened, insulted, or slighted in any way, the chances of an attack are not "slim." They're possible, if not plausible. And parental rage is celebrated just as much as other types of violence, with some parents convinced that committing an act of violence is a sign of a "fierce mama" and a "protective papa." These self-congratulatory rationalizations often turn into Facebook rants worthy of psychoanalysis, and today I wanted to share several examples for you to behold. Remember, folks: Before you make a potentially rude request about a screaming child in the checkout line, consider who you might be talking to. That parent may be far more vicious and unstable than you think. And he or she is damn proud of it.
1. Bitch, Please.
Ashley is the embodiment of the affluent mother who takes her child to the most expensive, sorry, happiest place on earth and turns into a paranoid shrew. You know what sucks? Being at an amusement park with a bunch of overly competitive helicopter parents. You know what's even worse? Being one yourself.
2. Walmart WTF
Okay, so let's recap: When a woman is rude in Walmart -- a retail palace of etiquette -- the proper response is to not only tell her off, which Chris apparently "did well," but to also:
-- Knock her teeth down her throat
-- Stab a bitch
-- Kick her ass (times two)
-- Kill her
Facebook is great for crowdsourcing.
3. Fuckin' Old People Amirite?
Ughhhhh OLD PEOPLE. We've discussed how atrocious they are in the past, and it's like they're not even trying not to be the old hags that they are! What do they need, an old people bulletin?? A friggin' telegram to let them know how wrinkly and grumpy they are? A training course on how to behave around babies at the delightful Midwestern restaurant chain Jose Pepper's? Like, learn how to act already, old hag-faced bitches! Before you get punched in the face for real!
4. Abuse Is In The Eye Of The Beholder
Teresa was simply minding her own business, yanking the shit out of her son's ear as all mothers are entitled to do both in public and private, when BOOM! Some lady had to go calling the cops like she knew what Teresa was going through. Was this woman HOPING for a beatdown? Does she realize how lucky she is that Teresa didn't show her what abuse really looks like?? Because you better believe Teresa knows! She knows how to make a casserole out of human hair and fingernails. She can blind a motherfucker with one swing to the eye. And the next publicly abusive mother who this busybody messes with might not calmly walk away under the watchful authority of police officers! That lady better be careful before she gets the daylights beaten out of her by a perfectly responsible mother like Teresa. It could happen!
5. Road Rage
This is one of those Facebook threads that inspired the Michael Jackson popcorn meme.
I can't decide if I would have been saddened, concerned, or straight-up entertained to witness what Lisa is describing. If anything, I'm shocked that the mother didn't throw a dirty diaper from a presumed arsenal of dirty diapers that she keeps on the front seat floorboard. Sill, a bottle of Olde English, typically reserved for raging house parties and funerals, is a pretty scary weapon of choice. Isn't it amusing that the parents who are most distressed over strangers potentially harming their precious babies are the same parents who are most likely to cut a bitch?
6. Misogynist Dads Are The Best Dads
Man, what a guy Green is. What a dad! Talk about hero status. Green protected his extremely upset wife -- the devoted angel that she is -- and his son -- his young, male pride and joy -- from a truly deplorable human being at dinner. What ever would they have done without him?! That motherfucking cunt whore bitch skank slut pile of garbage skin deserves everything she had coming to her! She thought she could interrupt a sweet family during her white trash of a life dinner just to insult an innocent crying baby and his undisturbed parents? Well, fuck her! Fuck her right in her cunt whore bitch-ass face! Good thing she was provoking a completely passive gentleman who, instead of physically assaulting her to ensure that she die a miserable, drawn-out, slow death, chose to bark the word "cunt" in her direction a dozen times rather than make pulp out of her cunty female body.
Seriously, that dining dinner whore doesn't know how lucky she is that she didn't wind up in the restaurant's dumpster with her limbs ripped off. At the very LEAST she could've been throat-punched, repeatedly, but no. Gentlemen don't do that. They just rant on Facebook like emasculated, insecure, whining shitheads who need anger management classes. And their wives think it's positively adorable. Nice try ruining a sweet family's dinner, cunt bitch! IT DIDN'T WORK.
7. Mom's Gold Star: Humor Wins Every Time.
Okay, it's hard for me to read this example objectively because Naomi is a personal friend and therefore I know she's a sane person. But I think it's safe to say that not only is this thread hilarious (33 up-votes on "fuck you"), it's also a much more reasonable way of being totally unreasonable with obnoxious parents in public. Should a parent ever tell another parent "fuck you" in the dim lighting of a children's movie screening? Probably not. But hey, she didn't rip anyone's hair out or throw any bottles of malt liquor, and let's face it, some sanctimommies have a few "fuck you's" coming to them. I'm just glad Naomi didn't get punched in the face or lose any teeth. Although in the grand scheme of things, it might have been worth it. Plus, who doesn't want to read about two moms scuffling at a screening of "Annie"? I know I do.