Valentine's Day, one of the foremost "baby-making holidays," is just a hump day (and a few days) away. This means we can all look forward to, er, brace ourselves for the Annual Schmoopy Love Notes Fest that many of our coupled-off friends participate in each year on Facebook. You guys know what I'm talking about. In fact, you probably even know *who* I'm talking about as it pertains to your own friends, since it's usually the same couples that drone on about how in love with their "hubby" or "beautiful wife" they are, ending every status update with an emphatic "Happy Valentine's Day, baby!!" It's more nauseating than what's printed inside actual Hallmark cards. I've seen some couples write stuff that would make Hallmark groan (and this is a company that's currently selling a Valentine's Day card that says "When the world gets crazy / You are my bright spot / Thank you for being my happy place.").
Ugh. Reading a convo like that between two ~lovers~ is enough to make me gag on my Russell Stover Assorted Chocolates. And what's worse is that, because some couples do this every year, they've become convinced that their friends are super-invested in their relationship, to the point of relaying information that no one needs to know to keep their friends—who are presumably on the edge of their seats—well-informed. These "informative" updates might result in live-planning a wedding, for instance, or announcing intentions to conceive a baby. For couples who are passionate about (ahem) meaningfully sharing their lives with their online friends, no update is too personal, no milestone too sappy or "too TMI" to withhold from Facebook. On Valentine's Day, especially, couples take the opportunity to profess, or re-profess, their love for each other, as well as re-live fond memories. Some even offer up sincere pieces of advice.
Ahh, Brittanie. I appreciate your raw honesty. With any luck, most of us won't have to read about our friends' sex lives on Facebook on Valentine's Day, but should we be forced to, could I ask one teeny tiny favor? Could it not be that you and your spouse/partner are trying for a baby? Or worse, trying for a baby, in like, a few hours, later that evening after checking in at a Fairfield Inn Marriott Suites? Would it be possible for that information to just not get shared and updated as though it were a live-stream of a national crisis on CNN? I want to get minute-to-minute updates if there's a hurricane heading my direction, not when a couple is trying for "Baby Making, Season 3, Take 2!" I don't want to know the ins and outs or the in-betweens of when a couple is trying to conceive, unless that couple is one that I know so well, we're communicating in person. But even then...okay? I'm still confused about why a couple would want their whole roster of friends to know this 'funny little anecdote' that ultimately ends in hopeful ejaculation? No offense to my social media pals, but the last thing I want to do is picture a friend from fifth grade fucking her random husband. So why paint that picture for dozens, if not hundreds or thousands, of people?
This Valentine's Day, if you and your partner love each other, say so! To each other, offline, preferably not next to me at a coffee shop. And if you're planning on having sex, then by all means, have fun, with or without the intention of conceiving a human baby. But please don't post about it on Facebook. Your friends will love you for it. In preparation for Hallmark's second-highest grossing holiday of the year, here are some examples of how NOT to fill in your friends on exactly when you're trying to get pregnant. (Seriously, there's not even a card for that.)
1. Praying For A Blessing Form God LOL
Everyone join digital hands and pray for Jennifer and Andy to make a blessing LOL. Cross your fingers and your toes. Light a candle, then stare into the candle flame while meditating on how sacred Jennifer and Andy's union is LOL. Channel "baby-making vibes" after doing some well-intentioned Kegel exercises, then blow out all the candles and watch Jennifer and Andy's wedding video three times in a row. Finally, 'Like' Jennifer's status update, and make a wish on a dandelion. Good luck, Jennifer and Andy. [prayer hands emoji]
2. Educating The Masses
Hey, thanks, Stacy, I was wondering what day it was. You're like a pro at hastily filling people in on all of life's details. I bet your mutual friends have never once been like, "Why isn't Stacy more open with us about stuff?!" And maybe that's what people love about you—to an extent. If polled, however, I'm guessing most people would admit they're cool with not knowing your past, present, or future relationships to birth control, unless they're having sex with you.
Speaking of birth control...
3. Crucial Birth Control Updates
PARTYYYYY!!!! Crystal's putting her body in prime position to get knocked up, d00ds! How punk is that? She took out her IUD (WHAATTT!!!) and now her uterus is all, "Come at me, sperm! Haha, seriously! Let's do this, bitchesss!! But you know what they say, Crystal. Pics or it didn't happen! If you really wanted to convey the baby-making that was about to transpire, you could've just done something like this:
Some people post a picture of baby shoes when they're 12 weeks pregnant; others cut to the chase and post a picture of a used IUD before the baby-making even begins. Tomato, tomahto! Everyone is different!
4. 'TMI' Doesn't Exist When You're Vegan
Awww yeah. You know how it is when you're making future vegan babies. Nothing is "too much info." All that matters is that you're fucking on a fake sheepskin rug, by the light of soy candles, using cruelty-free lube. Don't let your 'Vegan friends' Facebook page down, Leah. Keep everyone updated on your progress, and try to avoid using any home pregnancy tests that come from mice/goats!!!
5. Real Time Conception Update: Future Make-Up Sex Edition
Damn, Keri, you're bumming me out. First you got all dressed up for no reason, and now you're telling me you had plans to conceive a child tonight, too? I don't know if "Neflix and ice cream" can help you fully bounce back from all that, but it's a better option than public whining. You know the old expression: "Dance like there's nobody's watching / Sing like there's nobody listening / Post on Facebook like everybody's reading." Now would be a good time to put those lifelong rules into action! Don't let one night of disappointment get you down OR let you lose sight of the fact that Facebook is not a personal sex diary. I suppose it can be, but I don't recommend it.
6. Bad Erotica
This reads like fanfic for pregnancy fetishists to me. Whether the world ends up getting a(nother) little Bella Luna or a sweet Wolfgang (Wolfie), it's safe to say the child will have fangs, howl at the moonlight, and exclusively drink blood for the first year of its life. Only 'Bowie' here could write a status update so self-indulgent -- posted alongside a picture of said "baby-making moonlight"—and even vaguely get away with it. Something tells me Bowie has the kind of friends who've come to expect this type of status update, and might welcome it, because well, you know Bowie. Nothing like having a Facebook friend who gives you the sensual play-by-play, complete with descriptions that sound like Red Hot Chili Peppers lyrics. Have fun "copulating to create / a state of sexual light," Bowie!