STFU Parents: The 5 Types Of Easter Updates On Facebook

Happy early Easter, everyone! Well, not everyone, as I myself am Jewish, but hey, I’m not afraid to partake in a little chocolate bunny-gorging. I can appreciate the appeal of forcing your child to sit on a grown man-in-a-bunny-suit’s lap (although phrased in that way, it does sound a little weird, right?). I also understand the entertainment value of watching toddlers trip over themselves to collect Easter eggs, because really, there should be WAY more competitive events that involve collecting edible gifts off expansive, manicured lawns. I wouldn’t mind participating in an adult version of this, in which eggs are filled with money, jewelry, and sedatives. But that’s a hunt for another day! Today, we celebrate Easter and its importance in many a child’s life.

No matter the holiday, I get an overflow of submissions, and it’s always fun for me to read through the prior year’s submissions that didn’t make it to the blog. Some things don’t change (for instance, Easter bunny pics), and other things (like mommyjacking), deserve to be seen by more than just me. So in an effort to celebrate this most resurrection-y of holidays, I now present a resurrection of submissions (with one brand new one) as many families prepare for this weekend’s festivities. Here are five common Easter updates you’ll see on Facebook this season:

1. Egg Hunt Bragging

STFU Parents

Every year, parents say one of two things related to their children’s experiences at Easter egg hunts: 1. My child was ripped off / pushed down / beaten out by older, faster children at the egg hunt and it’s a horrific abomination, or 2. My child is SO FREAKIN’ AWESOME at egg collecting, I think we may have a PRO on our hands!

Clearly, it’s better to be Parent #2 because at least then you’re not complaining about “egg hunt rules” for children and coming off like a brat. But that said, bragging about how incredible it is that your kid can “intuitively” place eggs in a basket can also sound a little self-righteous. I mean, c’mon, who wouldn’t pick up a shiny, pastel-colored egg that was rumored to have treats inside? The attraction is practically innate.

2. Easterjacking

STFU Parents

Jason sounds a little mopey, but he retained his sense of humor in his status update. Meanwhile, Jennifer sounds 150% serious about her amazing daughter’s 5th birthday party kicking a ton of exhaustive ass, leaving me to wonder why she commented at all. To kick Jason when he’s down? To remind him that she ain’t got time for dat? Thanks, Jennifer. Your enthusiasm for not chatting with Jason is noted. (Jason: Go eat some Peeps and watch a movie.)

3. Mom’s Gold Star

3. bunny isnt real

Some parents take holidays like Easter, Christmas, and St. Patrick’s Day as an opportunity to be hilarious on Facebook regarding each holiday’s “mascot.” After all, if you can’t laugh at your children’s sincere questions about the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus, and leprechauns on Facebook, what’s the point of even being on Facebook? This way, the children won’t know the difference because they won’t overhear you laughing at them on the phone or in person. The internet can be truly wonderful. Also, I love Sheena’s frazzled answer to her daughter’s question. According to the mall, the Easter Bunny *is* pretty darn old.

4. Easter Spoiling 

STFU Parents

Around Christmas, I get a lot of “spoiled” submissions involving piles of toys and gifts stacked up to the ceiling, but as the years go by I’ve been getting more “spoiled” Easter submissions, too. Tell me: What child needs 10 full Easter baskets, toys, stuffed animals, and a tea party set all because of Jesus? Did Jesus even like tea parties, because I’m pretty sure he wasn’t a fan of overindulgence. Even if all of this stuff only cost $20 (which it clearly didn’t), what child needs this much loot? You may find yourself asking that question on Sunday afternoon as you scroll through your newsfeed.

 5. Easter Bunny Pics

STFU Parents

Last but not least, the proverbial Easter Bunny pic. This example is from this year, and it’s as glorious as any mall bunny picture has been or ever should be. Arms splayed out, a fountain of tears, and an oversized brown bunny who’s either a caring individual that loves children or a total weirdo. Some things are timeless.

Happy Easter!

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