Mommyshame

STFU Parents: Parents Who Freak Out About Noise During Nap Time On Facebook

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Last week, the Daily Mail — doing what it does best, creating “news” by parsing the internet — ran a story about a man whose new downstairs neighbors have been on an incessant nap attack for the past several months. He had introduced himself to let them know he occasionally plays a drum kit while wearing headphones, but then he made the enormous mistake of giving out his cell number, saying he could be reached if they ever needed anything or thought he was being too loud. Little did this innocent drum kit hobbyist realize, that type of assurance and communication access were music to his new neighbors’ ears. It turns out they have a small child, and that child’s nap time is sacred — so sacred, in fact, that the man was capable of disrupting it by simply being at home. Several times, the parent-neighbors have texted the man requesting that he postpone his (mostly silent) drumming, turn down the volume on his TV, or generally stop making noise at times when he wasn’t even at home. In every instance, their tone suggests that he should schedule his life around a child’s nap schedule, and in every instance, he’s as nice as a person who’s being ordered around by his neighbors can possibly be. And yet, he still received a notice from building management saying that he was disrupting his neighbors “due to the noise being created” by his drum kit, and now he’s worried about having to move. Typical.

It’s no secret that nap time is sacred for parents. How could it be? Parents love nothing more than to complain about whatever or whoever fucked up their kid’s nap time. Children and their “schedules” can drive a sane person crazy, but nap time in particular has parents by the balls. If a kid doesn’t go down for a nap and needs one, or is awakened after not sleeping long enough, s/he will turn into a brutish, writhing monster within a matter of hours. That kind of horror is something so feared by parents, they themselves turn into brutish monsters ahead of anything even going wrong. They’re actively on the defense, hoping, praying, and texting to ensure complete and total silence for their precious angel so that s/he won’t, god forbid, wake up. Some parents will tell you they use noise machines, fans, and special sound apps to help them get their kids to sleep and block out the noise. Others will tell you that they vacuum as their babies sleep to teach them to get used to noise outside of their midday, darkened cocoons. Regardless of the tactic, the one thing everyone can agree on is that sleep-deprived children are terrible to be around. Unfortunately, not everyone can agree on how to deal with noise.

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Having a baby is supposed to remind us that the world is so much bigger than we are, and we’re all going through this crazy, mixed-up life together — but for some parents, it’s a lesson in how to be even more self-centered than the average person who isn’t caring for a toddler. It’s an attitude borne out of both privilege and sleep deprivation, and the toxic combination results in near-comedic levels of parental exasperation on a daily basis (or until the child stops napping). If you’re a parent who is manic about nap time, you’re ALWAYS manic about nap time. Nothing else matters except peace and quiet during very specific intervals of time. Not your neighbor, not the dog, not the postal worker — nothing. There’s a reason “doorbell signs” and “no soliciting” signs have become running jokes, memes, and full-on businesses in recent years.

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Not that there’s anything wrong with a proactive sign, but something about those doorbell signs always feels hostile, or bordering on “urgent.” You can really picture the people who write them bearing down on the paper after searching their drawers for the largest Sharpie they own. And you get the sense that the sign isn’t just a suggestion, it’s a mandate, and it better be fucking adhered to, capisce?? When parents enter into a one-way agreement with every human, animal, and machine in the outside world which dictates that they won’t make a peep during nap time, things inevitably go awry. Even by leaving a sign on the door, parents are setting themselves up to be disappointed. You know who comes to the door? The pizza guy. The UPS guy. The guy selling something. They ignore notes like it’s literally their job. I’m completely in favor of the door notes, but I think they’re a good example of parents having unreasonably high expectations when it comes to the rest of the world “respecting” their child’s various nap times. Or sleeping at any time, for that matter.

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This mom just trolls the Calgary police on Twitter whenever they fly helicopters anywhere near her home. Never mind that helicopters cost money to fly and probably aren’t being flown for “fun.” Never mind that the police have jobs to do, and in Calgary, they’re apparently getting them done with helicopters. Who cares about the police and the people they’re being paid to serve and protect? Nothing else matters if kids are sleeping, and the Calgary police should already know that. You know who’s going to be pissed off and committing a crime soon if the police helicopters don’t buzz off? This mom! You know who couldn’t care less? Everyone, including the Calgary police.

Let’s check out some more examples of parents who are irrationally upset about their children’s (potentially) ruined nap times. These parents prove that you can never have too many people to blame, and you can never rant about nap time on Facebook too much. Woe is mom is in full effect, and they just DGAF. Really, what is it about “QUIET” that you people don’t understand??

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