A common insult I hear a lot is that some women "act as though they're the first person to ever give birth." And while I think that's true, I tend to err on the side of the pregnant woman whose feet, hands, and entire body are swollen. Let's face it, who really WANTS to be pregnant, aside from the five percent or so of women who absolutely love playing host to a tiny growing parasite? Most of the mothers I know don't extol the virtues of pregnancy; they're counting down the days until they can enjoy a margarita and take a nap without a fetus jumping on their bladder. Which is to say, I have a lot of sympathy for pregnant, hormonal women -- up to a point.
The problem is that on social media, women feel like they can finally say the thing that's been replaying on a loop in their minds all morning or evening long, whether it's that they're peeing every 20 seconds, have indigestion, or are totally constipated. And sometimes when people are being driven crazy, they don't realize how their venting sounds once it's transmitted through the social media echo chamber. Considering how many Facebook users in their 20s and 30s have friends who are starting to have babies, these updates can quickly start to run together like dozens of 'first day of school pictures,' and everyone's individual experiences become reduced to "pregnant talk" or "labor talk" or "newborn talk." Everybody says the same shit, over and over, and while that reminds us that so much of life is rooted in the universal, which is nice, it also creates a lot of repetitive posts in our newsfeeds.
With that in mind, I have a bone to pick (or a belly to poke?) with "baby eviction notices." Upon first read, this is a venting device that's not so much "laugh out loud funny" but still clever enough to pass as light entertainment. It's not as trite as parents who joke (probably a thousand times apiece) that their baby is so cute, "We've decided to keep her!!", but it's not very original either. It comes in a few forms: the "official-looking" eviction notice image, the custom-written "contract" status update, and the woe is mom 'begging-for-the-baby-to-be-born-already' update. They're all about as harmless as they are derivative -- but lately, it seems like I've been seeing them much more frequently.
Get it? The tenant is the baby, and it's time to vacate the premises? *groan* Look, I understand that there are only so many jokes a person can make about wanting their baby to come out, and I appreciate the humor in serving a soon-to-be-born baby with legal papers. On the surface, that's funny. And how else would you serve a baby eviction papers, if not via Facebook? It's a goofy way for moms to express their sincere desire to no longer be pregnant. But it's also a a cheesy facet of momedy -- comedy that's really only funny to moms -- which is kind of like the pregnancy equivalent of a "dad joke." There's a certain "yuk yuk yuk" jokey quality to these eviction notices and begging (to an unborn baby) rants, and if I had any say in the matter, I'd recommend that moms put down their legal pads, close their computers, and knock back a gallon of castor oil. That baby'll slide right on out. Just ask your Great Aunt Ruth. She'll tell you. Until that happens, though, let's take a look at some examples of parents who are at their wits end with the gestation period, to the point that they're making "mom jokes" and straight-up pleading with their fetuses on Facebook. Don't let this be you.
1. Breach Of Contract And Destruction Of Property
If your primary Facebook audience consists of the type of person who can't spell "hilarious," I guess this eviction notice would come off as pretty funny. But to me, it's a little over-the-top. Ha ha ha, "gutting of the home was never approved" and "the foundation has been compromised".... but also, ew. Please don't make me consider the "structural integrity" of your physical being if it involves being mere days away from pushing a newborn through your birth canal. I just don't want to think about it.
You know you're a classy broad when you type "va jj" into your Facebook status bar and still hit Publish. I can only hope K. learns the difference between 'your' and 'you're' before her son is born, but considering she refuses to use the word "vagina," I'm guessing that probably won't happen anytime soon. Hurry up and take the wet 'n wild ride of your life, Aiden! The va jj train canal awaits!
2. Get Off Facebook And Take A Nap
When someone is too tired, s/he shouldn't post on Facebook. Aside from possibly saying or Liking something they'll later regret, it's also easy to lapse into seRIaL kILLeR sPEak, which is more than a little cReEPy. No oFfENSe, Denise, bUT thE WAy yoU'rE talKing iS scaRIng me. Good luck with the slEep thiNg. I think you might really need it.
3. Sealed Like A Pickle Jar
This is some Cape Fear shit. "Come out, come out, wherever you are, Lottie! Keep dropping, baby girl, just see where that gets you! IN MAMA'S ARMS, li'l darlin'! Don't let your mother stay sealed like a pickle jar or you will regret it, little girl!!"
PS: I'd like to formally announce my OWN request, that all mothers everywhere stop using the word "drop" to refer to their unborn baby. Between descriptions of babies "popping their heads out to look around" and feeling like there's "a baby in your ass lol", I'm good on relating to all of those pre-birth sensations. Really.
4. Begging On Behalf Of A Pregnant Friend
Alicia is attempting to will her friend Traci's baby to come out into the world through sheer manipulation. Promises of spoiling, water, and mud aren't doing the trick just yet, but soon little Nicolai is going to re-read this message on Facebook while he's in the womb, and he's going to be like, "Excuse me, did you say SAND? Hang on, be there in a sec, gonna go ahead and give my mommy that special tickle." I mean, who can resist sand? I've never met a fetus who didn't love it.
5. No Rush, But Hurry The Fuck Up, Already
I want to start a collection of t-shirts that each say one of these Tara-isms on them. "I am done being chained to the toilet."; "I am done 'sleeping' like a whale on stimulants."; "I am done doing nothing but staring at the wall because I am brain-dead tired and the majority of my blood volume has been sucked into the centrifuge that is my uterus." Call me crazy, but I think that last one will sell like gangbusters. Who hasn't been there before, amirite?? "My Uterus Is a Centrifuge" would be a great cover of John Mayer's "Your Body Is a Wonderland." Just a thought. Maybe if Tara focused more of her efforts on writing pregnancy poetry and satirically covering John Mayer songs (as they should be), she'd stop telling her fetus how "patient" she's being and actually become patient. You can't force a human baby to come out of his soft, uterine-lined bed, just like you can't force a baby pig to wear a cowboy hat and red bandana (although it's sooo cute when they do). And no amount of whiny, frustrated, somewhat comically horrifying Facebook status updates will change that. Sometimes, you just have to put the technology aside, and let nature do its thing.